Posted by Speedyblupi 8 years ago Report

You need criticism? Ok, criticism is my speciality :)

Grammatical accuracy:

You have a few homophone errors, like "it’s sheathe", which should be "its sheath" and "sac" which should be "sack" (if it's referring to a ballsack).

There are some misplaced capitalisations, like "Terry Moaned almost too loud; He...".

Tenses are mostly good, but again, there are a few small errors, like "He then lied down" and "Terry groaned a bit, knowing that this will take a while to explain."

The sentence "However, the dragon’s skirt and panties started to slide off" starts with a conjunction. This doesn't always make a sentence grammatically incorrect, but in this case it does because there's no specific thing that the clothes sliding off is opposed to.

Writing quality:

There are a few cliched metaphors which annoy me, like "blew his load" and "rock hard", but these are mostly issues of preference - I don't actually know what most other people think of them, so maybe ask other people, or just keep 'em in if you particularly like them.

Some of the phrasing is a bit awkward, like "He had accidentally swallowed most of the cum that was in his mouth plus a bit more", but I didn't notice any other significant mistakes.

Story quality:

Leviathan's instant transition from the state of "you killed my friends" to "I have to please mommy" is pretty jarring and doesn't seem to make much sense, but aside from that it's a great story. It's fairly unique and interesting, and has the right amount of filler to engage, but not to bore the reader.

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Basically, there are a few minor errors, but overall you did a very good job.

Posted by Lenumanuma 8 years ago Report

haha, thanks! you were the first person to actually critique it. I try to stay away from cliches as much as possible, but this was a commission, so I had to add a few things. Tense wise, I had no idea I made those errors! thanks a lot, man.