Posted by FaultyVault 7 years ago Report

You really captured the guilty conscience of the narrator really well, it seems a shame that the motivations of the mother seemingly aren't as well defined. Perhaps if you were to worm in an anecdote from their past illustrating that he lacks the ability to change his ways her hostility and choice to do away with him completely would be more believable? Perhaps during their first conversation after she eats him in the kitchen? As it stands he only seems guilty of the apparently heinous crime of mediocrity and common (though undeniably impactful) blunders made by those living out of home for the first time.

It's still a very provocative story. Delightfully cruel and imaginative as always. I continue to look forward to seeing what you produce next.

Posted by FaultyVault 7 years ago Report

If I could remove one of the "really"s in the first sentence of my comment without having to completely delete the post I would. I guess that's the trouble with self editing and not reading again from start to finish before posting. GG.

Posted by MPennanti 7 years ago Report

Yeah, great point. The mother is rather under-developed since we don't have much clue as to what his past failings were and why she would immediately go to such an extreme solution (other than the fact we the audience are all for it.)

I think beyond highlighting more of the son's past blunders, I would flesh out Diana's distaste for motherhood beyond postpartum depression (maybe she sacrificed in her career or gave up some long-held dream.)

Thanks for the insightful feedback! :)

Posted by FaultyVault 7 years ago Report

Those are great ideas! For her to hold resentment there because she feels she sacrificed her own opportunities to bring him into the world, only to watch him be unmotivated and completely cock up the opportunity she'd worked so hard to give him is a fantastic idea. You've already got the sacrifice of her steak working towards that end as a metaphor! Maybe at the table the son barely touches the steak she gave up for him and it, among his other failures, is what pushes her over the line?

I'd love to see you make the alterations to include more clearly defined motives in the story, though I understand if you don't feel inclined to go back and make changes now that it's published. Or if, in fact, you prefer it as is. After all, I'm just a wishful observer.

Glad the feedback was well received.

Posted by MPennanti 7 years ago Report

Rather than updating this one I just wrote a follow-up: https://aryion.com/g4/view/400757

Posted by FaultyVault 7 years ago Report

Ayyyy, all I suggested was a little edit here and there and you go and write a whole other story you nut!

Glad you did though, Diana is a delightfully crazy bitch. I feel sorry for anyone that gets on her bad side.

Something I noticed though while enjoying the story. While it makes her actions in this narrative a lot more believable and engaging having heard her lament about missed opportunities in her youth, perhaps that she would have the girl (and even her baby) meet the same fate for only asking for help has overstepped the believability boundary?

But hey, maybe I'm over thinking it and she's just a cruel person by nature.

Posted by MPennanti 7 years ago Report

Hm I see what you mean. The way I see it she already crossed a huge moral line by eating Mason, so it's easier for her to cross it again for someone she doesn't even know.

But maybe I just have too much of a crush on monstrous women. :3

Posted by Mechdragon1k 6 years ago Report

On the other hand maybe the mother was actually abusive tearing down the child self esteem at every opportunity which was why he only got a job when he got a girlfriend. Girlfriend was the only one pushing him to make something of his self,

Posted by TETRO 7 years ago Report

Well it looks like he was put to good use at the end. As sadistic as the story was, I couldn't help but rout for him to get eaten. Weakness after all, is the one true sin, and he just did not put any effort into life. Sometimes I just enjoy a vore scenario where the prey really seems to deserve it.

By the way, I also uploaded a story today and noticed the missing blank lines. To compensate, I re-uploaded it using periods to take the place of the blank lines. Looks a little strange, but I think it was worth keeping the formatting.

Posted by MPennanti 7 years ago Report

I may resort to the period trick if I can't successfully campaign for the powers that be to take my CSS fix: https://aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=49693&start=20#p2598913

Posted by Cancer 7 years ago Report

Masterful. Truly masterful. The writing in this story is on a whole other level, and it only serves to compliment the events that are happening. It's realistic enough to be very satisfying indeed. Good job!

Posted by MPennanti 4 years ago Report

Thanks! I am glad this story still has some potency for you. ;)

Posted by Mechdragon1k 2 years ago Report

I am rereading a lot of great stories, this is one of them.