Posted by gorgonzoladealer 6 years ago Report

So I guess I’ll give my critique here because... I’m bored. I think the writing was okay honestly. If anything it’s passable but I believe you can do better. Also keep in mind I’m not criticizing the story as a whole since I’ve only read this. Okay so I’ll start with what I like:
- The emotional responses of the characters felt real
- You didn’t drown me with vivid descriptions of everything
- Dragons are neat :)
- You spared us the exposition of Max explaining his deal with Rust.

Now what could be improved:
- More distinctive characteristics. From reading this, all I got was that Lily was the girly version of Max. Max seems to be more of a cowardly, inward type and Mallow seems sassy. These by itself are basic and don’t shed enough light onto who they are. Make it so that Max’s actions and dialogue are distinctly Max, and do the same for the rest.
- Give more flair to your writing. It makes the difference when reading a story. Instead of saying “And then he began to walk as well.“ you could do something like “Then he took his steps toward destiny”. Or something like that.
- When you start a new line of dialogue from a character, you usually start a new paragraph. If the same character talks again you don’t have to.

Anywho, that’s about it. Good luck on your story. ;)

Posted by TheDragonBoy 6 years ago Report

I hear you, this story is much more talk and less active than my others. I usually put this in the description (forgot to this time), but this story especially doesn’t work unless you’ve read the previous ones. This is sort of the “quiet before the storm” build up to the fanale; without the context I’d probably be bored too. The reason I spared the expositions- and most of the character development- is that these characters have each had half a dozen stories for the readers to get to know them already.

Does it make it easier for you as a reader when people start a new paragraph with every speaker? I’ve seen it done that way but never quite started using that style of formatting myself. It’d be good to know.

Glad you got some enjoyment out of it. If you’re looking for some more reading about neat, vore-y, dragons you can check out one of my stories from the beginning:
“My Little Snack” follows Lily and Mallow- it came first and is pretty light.
“Rusted” follows Max and Rust- it’s a bit darker, started out as an separate series and then coressed over with the above.

If you do end up reading the earlier stories, I’d be interested to see what you think of this one with context.

Posted by gorgonzoladealer 6 years ago Report

Ohh so this was a crossover! That's pretty cool. Almost like an Avengers of vore thing eh? But in regards to the quotes, it's not that it makes it easier, that's just the proper formatting. That's how I was taught at least.