Posted by gorgonzoladealer 4 years ago Report

So can't say this is too interesting. The idea of a pred eating for gains isn't terrible but not much is done with it. Lemme go over my points:

- Normally stories are better read when it's written in past tense. You can use present-tense here and there but only in certain spots that make sense.

- Starting the story with dialogue is cliche. Especially in the vore scene. If you want to grab the reader's attention, you could start with some characterization of Amy. Or tease the audience with descriptions of how her body looks after her workout. "Amy took a towel and brushed the sweat off of her breasts. She adjusted her bra which expanded to it's limit as it held her breasts."

- General organization of the story is a bit off. When you're reading, you want it to flow off the tongue and not hit a few bumps or drags while reading. Example, you could move " glancing at her watch." to the previous paragraph and rewrite it to something like "Amy glanced at her watch then shrugged."

-"she could've easily forced Amy down her throat even if she declined. Not that she would, of course. Probably." Unless there was previous stories with Mina, the audience doesn't know a lot about her, even from the description given. If you want Amy and the reader to be hesitant of Mina, have her be a little more forceful or abrasive, pressuring Amy a little.

- "Within moments, she'd lifted the girl above her head and gulped her down to her waist. The boy beside her looked understandably impressed." I'm guessing this is a normal thing in this universe?

- Why not add some scenes with Mina working out? Show us the effort needed to curl or squat does when you have two bodies within you. Maybe give us some insights into being in the stomach as your prey just works out. Does the stomach produce more acid this way? Does it tight as she worksout? Some interesting stuff to consider.

- Asides from the previously mentioned, I don't have any problems with the conclusion of the story. You do a good job showing how Mina is a selfish, neglectful predator. And how powerful she is. Maybe some more characterization in future stories could make her an interesting pred.

And that's about it. Just my little thoughts on the matter. Seeing as how I get stories in my messages, might as well help make the stories better.

Posted by rugli 4 years ago Report

Hard to disagree with the assessment of the previous comment.

But I think would like add regarding the general General organization of the story I think more natural flow would be also achieved if the order they are swallowed in is reversed, as I think it would have made more sense in the story to have Nina eat the boy first since he's more willing about being eaten than Amy. Just to let Amy go through some more mental struggles regarding whats going to happen.