This is much better, though in some parts it is very unclear about who the narrator is and who the characters are.
The simple grammar thing I would say after reading this piece is that, when you want to say that object A belongs to Object B, you can say it like "Object B's Object A" OR "Object A of Object B". Only those two ways. In English, putting two nouns together doesn't make one own the other, it just makes the sentence seem like gibberish or random words put next to each other.
I recommend that you read a lot, it often helps to read more grammatically correct stories to improve one's own writing. For example, my stories are good, although my comma usage was a little rampant in my earlier stories...
Also, I'm curious; what languages do you know or learn?
Posted by NightRoller 5 years ago Report
This is much better, though in some parts it is very unclear about who the narrator is and who the characters are.
The simple grammar thing I would say after reading this piece is that, when you want to say that object A belongs to Object B, you can say it like "Object B's Object A" OR "Object A of Object B". Only those two ways. In English, putting two nouns together doesn't make one own the other, it just makes the sentence seem like gibberish or random words put next to each other.
I recommend that you read a lot, it often helps to read more grammatically correct stories to improve one's own writing. For example, my stories are good, although my comma usage was a little rampant in my earlier stories...
Also, I'm curious; what languages do you know or learn?