It had been a very weird couple of days for me.
 
Last week, I finally announced to the world that I’d gotten rid of my main squeeze, my one true love, the man the world thought would be the only one who could avoid my waistline: Mista J. Sure, he helped me become the big, bad, greedy, gluttonous girl I am today, but after a few years of being his handy dandy garbage disposal for whenever he needed some poor sap out of the picture, I realized that I could do so much more with my life.
 
I was the clown queen of crime! I could eat ANYBODY if I wanted to!
 
So I did!
 
I swallowed him whole after he disappointed me in bed for, like, the third time that week; he was never really THAT good, but I practically couldn’t even FEEL him after I hit, what, 400 pounds? 500? Anyway, I was too big for him, so I kicked him to the curb... or down my throat, to be more specific!
 
Eating someone big like the Joker got me quite the street cred; soon every goon in town was after me! Pretty soon, I was swallowing them everywhere: I sent some down my throat, I sent a few up my ass (which feels AMAZING, by the way), I even shoved a few between my boobs, which I didn’t even think was possible looking at ‘em, but hey, you learn something new every day!
 
Anyway, eventually I get taken to a club owned by Roman Sionis, the kind of rich kid whose parents didn’t love him enough to stop him from becoming a villainous crime lord, you know? Also the kind that, if he wasn’t so rich and famous, would’ve had his ass eaten by a girl like me months ago; he’s got the kind of face I just wanna envision melting off of his thick skull inside my stomach anytime he so much as opens his big, stupid mouth.
 
So he tells me that everyone thinks I’ve got this diamond that belongs to his family or something, I don’t know; I’m not really paying attention... or I just don’t care. Eh, fuck it; it’s probably both.
 
“Oh, you know I got a lot of things that pass through me, Romie!”, I tell him.
“Men, women, thin women, fat women, tall women, short women, Black women, brown women, white women, ASIAN women...”
 
“Alright, I get it!”, he barked in that bratty little voice of his.
“Do you have it or not? Because if you DO have it, I’ll have it carved out of you like I would a pumpkin on Halloween; understand?”
 
“Relax!”, I tells him.
“I don’t remember; was it in some kinda purse or something?”
 
“No, it wasn’t!”, he barks back at me.
“It was in a little box that was being held by MY right hand man who said that HE saw you AND your fat ass walking away with it!”
 
“Well if he saw me take it, then why didn’t he stop me?”, I ask him.
 
I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t think he would stop yapping at me at ALL during our little exchange, but I was pretty impressed to see he had a hard time giving me an answer.
 
“He told me that you would’ve eaten him...”, he says, and I.
 
Was.
 
FLOORED.
 
I gotta admit, I was impressed. Here I was, tied to a few chairs (because the first one they tried using slipped up my ass; yeah, I know it’s weird, but you get used to it around the fifth or sixth time) with one of his goons broiling and bubbling away in my gut since I got the ride over here cause he called me a land whale, and here HE is telling me one of his goons was smart enough to keep his big mouth shut!
 
“Wow! Look at you, getting the smart henchmen!”, I says to him.
“Cause I DEFINITELY would’ve eaten Zsasz, no doubt! You seen the guy? He’s, like, half my weight! I could stuff that guy in my bra! Well, not LITERALLY, cause I like saving my boobs for meals that look like they took a shower, you know? Then there’s the problem of taste, and I don’t think I’d want him going down my throat either; do you think he’s an ass man?”
 
“Shut up!”, the snot-nosed little punk barked at me.
“Now, if the diamond isn’t with YOU, then where is it?”
 
As much as I liked palling around with this guy, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what he was talking about. Sure, Zsasz ran past me the other day while I was out getting lunch, but I don’t remember seeing anything weird or unusu- *GASP*!
 
The kid.
 
Yeah, I saw a kid that day! Little sport looked real shifty as she got into a cab and left; I remember having that kinda look back when I was robbing convenient stores as a kid.
 
Course, even when I DID of a clue about who the little sneak might be, there’s no WAY I can let this even LITTLER creep know, so I gotta
 
“I might know... someone who MIGHT have it...”
 
The dumb look on his face; ooh, I wish I could’ve gotten a picture.
 
“Well, aren’t you going to TELL me?”, he asks.
 
Poor guy; he thinks he’s smarter than me! I was a doctor in a past life after all, so I know JUST the way crazy little brains like his and mine tick!
 
“What’s stopping you from offing ME once I tell you?”, I says to him.
 
“I’m glad you’ve still got some brain under all that blubber, Quinn...”
“I appreciate that...”
 
“Thanks! I try.”
 
“How about a deal?”, he says to me.
“I’ll let you keep that little secret of yours on the condition that you bring whoever took that diamond back here UNTOUCHED, so I deal with them however I want; understand?”
 
I’ll admit, that sounded like a good enough plan to get him and his gang off my back (at least for a little bit), but, me being me of course, my brain was trying to figure just how I could get a little bit more.
 
“Okay...”, I say.
“What’s in it for me?”
 
“What’s in it for YOU?”
“Well, your life, for one...”
 
“Anything else?”, I says back to him.
 
“Your life not enough for you?”, he says back.
 
“Alright, fine; good luck finding ‘em on your own!”
 
I think I got him with that one, cause he all wipes his hand across his face and just offers me a good half million with one of the most sarcastic “Fine!” I’ve ever heard, and sure, that kinda money DOES sound nice, but I know I can squeeze JUST a little more out of this guy.
 
What can I say; that’s just what I do.
 
“How about you add ONE more thing onto that pile?”, I ask him.
 
“You’re getting GREEDY now, Harley...”
 
“Have you seen me?”, I says to him.
“Getting greedy’s all I do nowadays! So how about you throw in a little snack for me, huh? A little cherry on top!”
 
“Oh, come on!”, he says to me, throwing his arms up in the air like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
 
Maybe I oughta get his attention back.
 
“I could try eating you!”, I says to him.
 
“I’d like to see you try...”, he says in that stupid smug tone of his.
 
“Would you like me to?”, I asked him.
“Would you REALLY like me to, Romie?”
 
“Fine!”, the poor little guy barked at me.
“You’ll get the MONEY, you’ll get your LIFE, AND I’ll throw in ALL the henchmen you could ever eat.”
 
“Really?!”
 
“Yes, really.”, he says back.
 
I can already FEEL my stomach moving around in anticipation; I was NOT expecting him to cave so quickly!
 
“Can I have that chick over there as my incentive?”
 
“Be my guest.”
 
So as I , big stupid smile on my face as I walk over and swallow this skinny bitch Romie’s got as a secretary, I’m thinking just how am I gonna find this kid.
 
As much as I get around, Gotham’s still a big city; it’s gonna take FOREVER for me to find that girl and wherever the heck that diamond is.
 
Better stock up on some snacks before I get going; I’m sure Romie won’t mind!
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
So anyway, I find out that they got the kid locked up at my old stomping grounds, Gotham P.D. Nice place, from what I remember; lot cleaner than Arkham Asylum is and you’re WAY less likely to get eaten by some pred like me, though since me and the other big bad girls in Gotham kinda mutually agreed not to eat each other, I haven’t had any close competition for a while!
 
Anyway, I walk up to the place, blonde cop’s face sticking out from between my ass cheeks (saw her on the way over and I KNEW I just HAD to keep her!), when I see that they got a new receptionist at the front desk; think I mighta eaten the last one a month or two ago.
 
“Hey, sugar!”, I say while I’m giving just the BIGGEST smile.
 
So I ask her “Could you tell me where they keeping that sweet little Cassie Cane girl?” but she too busy staring at my tits to even answer; I mean, I can’t say I blame her. They ARE a pretty nice pair a hooters! Unfortunately for her, though, I had some really important business to take care of, so I shove her in my cleavage and go on my merry way.
 
So I walk past this whole room full of cops, TOTALLY looking at my ass (still with the lady cop in it just for funsies) before I stopped and realized I had no idea where I was going, so I stopped and asked for directions, and, wouldn’t you believe it? My dang old gut thinks it’d be REAL funny if I put on a show for these boys so it just starts gurgling and groaning and, before I know it, I’m letting out a huge burp and a skull comes flying out.
 
A freaking skull! Right on the floor!
 
And as if THAT wasn’t enough, something ELSE came up with the poor sap so I spit it out and it just so happens to be one of their badges; I GUESS you could count that as karma for swallowing some lady cop writing parking tickets for breakfast today, but hey, she totally deserved it!
 
I mean, who likes parking tickets?
 
Anyway, I put on my prettiest smile and ask them where they’re keeping the kid I’m looking for, and of course, I’ve got them all staring at me like they’ve never seen a woman before!
 
To be honest, I’m surprised MORE women don’t try burping up bones when they’re my size; you can REALLY get some distance on those things if you train hard enough!
 
Eventually, one of them finally finds enough of his brain to point me down the hall, so I make sure to thank him and squeeze the last they can see of that poor girl up my ass before I walk off just to give them something to remember me by.
 
Once I get to the holding block, I, unfortunately, didn’t think twice about swallowing the poor guy reading his paper behind the desk; not because I didn’t want to eat him (of COURSE I wanted to eat him!), but that left me trying to figure out which button on his desk opened up the kid’s cell.
 
So I just hit all of them; what’s the worst that could happen?
 
The kid looked a bit nervous when I walked up to her; not sure if it was because of the guy still kicking around in my stomach or because of the twelve guys walking out of their OTHER cells since I’d accidentally let them out.
 
Looking back on it, it was probably those guys.
 
Of course, me being me, I wiped out the whole room. I had every single one of those guys crying for their mommies before I had them joining their cop friends in my stomach; who says bad guys can’t get along with the good guys?
 
So I rescue the kid and make my way towards the backroom where they keep all the super cool evidence before, of course, my hips got stuck on the way in.
 
Now, this being a daily occurrence for me, I could’ve EASILY deployed some expert maneuvers to get myself both unstuck and through the door in a matter of seconds. But unfortunately, as if my luck couldn’t be getting any worse today, I hear a bit of commotion coming from down the hall, so I look back and see even MORE goons fighting with the cops and barreling straight towards me and the kid.
 
Ass stuck in a doorway and stomach already full of losers, I was REALLY in a good position to
 
“Hey, watch it back there! You’re handling some precious merchandise!”
 
And she was all like, “Whatever; could you just try MOVING your fat ass for once?!”
 
Damn; the heck kinda stories are folks raising their kids with nowadays?
 
Lucky for us, it only took a push or two to knock me loose from the doorframe; knocked out a REALLY nice burp when I landed on my stomach too, so that was nice!
 
Not AS nice, though, were the various thugs still after us since we’d run right into the cops’ evidence room.
 
Nice that I was getting some more snacks coming right up to me; I could already feel a few goons going limp in my stomach, so I figured I’d probably have enough room to fit everyone in.
 
Hoped they wouldn’t put on too much weight, though; I like being big, but I can spend my days being an immobile tub of fat AFTER I took care of this diamond business!
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Cut to a few hours later and quite a lot of things happened, actually!
 
Me and the kid teamed up with a couple of bad girls from around town; none of them were as big as me, but hey, what can you do? Beggars can’t be choosers.
 
Anyway, we kick some ass on our own for a while before making it back to Mista J.’s old place on Gotham Pier where Romie was hanging out with all his little friends.
 
So we show up, we all kick some MORE ass as a team (called ourselves the Birds of Prey, which I thought was pretty fucking sick!) while I make a practical SMORGASBORD out of Romie’s Black Mask gang. I’m talking up the ass, in my mouth, between my boobs; lemme tell you, I haven’t had THAT many holes filled at once since my time back in Arkham!
 
But as we’re kicking ass, I notice that I ain’t seen the kid in a while, so I look and see fucking ROMAN running off with the kid!
 
So I run after them, but since I still got what’s left of dinner sloshing in me, I’m not too good at catching up to ‘em. I need to start cutting back on all those Spanish prostitutes; they got a really nice flavor, but they always make me so gassy, ugh!
 
Anyway, I finally get there and Cassie is just looking over the edge of the pier; I look over too and just see PIECES of poor little Romie floating on top of the water.
 
I know that kinda thing is happening in my stomach almost 24/7, but ACTUALLY seeing it in person was WICKED gross; remind me never to get an X-ray, like, EVER! Can’t imagine WHAT they’d be finding in there…
 
I was all like, “Did you really kill him?”
 
And she was all like, “Yup.” and then she pulled out pin from a grenade that he was holding!
 
Getting your first kill at eighteen years old; living every girl’s dream!
 
As much as I wanted to give Cassie a little gold star for getting the job done, something just wasn’t sitting right in the pit of my stomach… besides those goons I swallowed earlier; God, all those leather jackets they wear have just NEVER sat well with me, I don’t know why.
 
“Aw! I had a REALLY good line for him!”
 
She asks me what it was; I couldn’t WAIT to tell her.
 
“Not bad, Romie; guess you always DID have quite the RICH taste!”
 
She’s all like, “I don’t get it...”
 
Kids these days, I tell ya.
 
“You know; “rich taste”?”, I says to her.
“Cause he was a spoiled little rich boy, and I’d be eating him.”
 
She’s all like, “Oh, okay; yeah, that woulda been pretty cool.”
 
Still got it!
 
“Yeah…”, I sighed.
“But now he’s dead AND I’m hungry…”
 
“Eh, we’ll get you something to eat later, but how’re we gonna get this diamond out of ME?”
 
Now, there were definitely a FEW options we coulda gone with, like waiting it out, going to a doctor, forgetting about it completely and moving on with the rest of our lives…
 
Instead, I went with the only way I knew how.
 
The Harley way.
 
I’m like, “Don’t worry, I already had something in mind; c’mere, kid!”
 
She was all like “Wuh? Hey!” when I grabbed her by the shoulders and stuffed her down my throat; besides her greasy ass hair, she tasted pretty good! Super small, so she went down to my gut real easy, too! Hardly even put up a fight once she was in there, or if she did, I didn’t feel it.
 
Sure, it kinda sucked knowing that she’d be gone, a cunning criminal in the making like her doomed to spend the rest of her days joining my meals in doing a cross-county swim through Gotham’s sewer system and the rest of MY days jiggling on my waistline, but, at the end of the day, a girl’s gotta eat.
 
And hey! That diamond’s a lot safer in MY stomach than HER’S!
 
Just wish the rest of the girls thought the same thing.
 
“What?!”, they all yelled at me.
 
“You fucking ate the kid?!”
 
“She wasn’t a kid; she was eighteen!”, I says to them.
“And besides, I’M fine! Are we not concerned about MY needs now?”
 
Montoya’s all like, “Quinn, we need that kid to find the diamond!” in her big, strong cop voice and I’m like…
 
“Relax!”, I tells them.
“I know EXACTLY where the diamond is. It’s in ME!”
 
I don’t think that calmed them down.
 
They all just kinda started pacing around, wondering what the heck they’re gonna do next, meanwhile I’M just standing there with a stupid look on my face as I can literally FEEL this kid melting in my stomach; usually felt pretty good but my mind was on other things right now.
 
One of them’s all like, “So is she gonna be safe?”
 
And I’m like, “Aw! Oh, you poor thing, no! No no, no no no. Have you SEEN what I eat? Have you seen what’s left of them afterwards? It’s not pretty. Well, CONVENTIONALLY they’re not very pretty, but I kinda like to look at the bones and all the clothes and-“
 
They yelled at me to stop; I can at least give them that, if nothing else.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Cut to an hour or two later and nothing was coming out; all that leather musta made me all constipated or something.
 
Figures.
 
Eventually, I got the BRILLIANT idea to send one of the girls down my throat to fish the thing outta my stomach, but as soon as I walk towards them, they all say no!
 
So much for being a team of superheroes!
 
“Hey, at least I’m coming UP with ideas!”, I says to them.
“Besides, I’m sure you’ll be fine in there; lot better than the kid did, anyway. Most everyone in there’s already all mashed up anyway. Just think of it like swimming!”
 
Course, that doesn’t exactly ease their mind (can’t for the LIFE of me understand why), so I decide to come up with a better, much more FUN idea.
 
Well, fun for ME anyway.
 
Being quick on my feet, I take my trusty hammer and swipe Montoya’s feet right out from under her; before she has the chance to get back up, I plop myself right down on top of her legs and just start pulling…
 
And pulling.
 
AND pulling.
 
And pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling and PULLING until she’s got her grumpy little face wedged between my big, bountiful butt cheeks.
 
Oh, I wish I coulda got a picture!
 
It’s pretty funny I got the cop down there, cause I’m so used to people sliding past my big blubbery cheeks these days, I got some tattoos EVERYWHERE on ‘em, just to be sure people get a good idea of what the decorating’s gonna be like on their new living space before they move in.
 
So there she is, her face getting squished on all sides by a couple hundred pounds of grade-A cheek meat, “Man Eater“ on her left and “Talk Sh*t, Be Sh*t“ on her right, and she’s just treating it like some sting operation or something.
 
“How you doing down there, hot stuff?”, I says to her.
“Hope it’s not too crowded in there; if I’d known we were doing this, I woulda cut back on the goons I had earlier.”
 
“News flash, Quinn; I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING FOOD!”, she barked at me.
“And I am NOT going digging through YOUR fucking stomach to find this diamond, because we are NEVER going to find it now that you MELTED that kid into NOTHING, so you are going to let me out of here right NOW or else I am going to blow you into little bitty bite-sized pieces from the inside out, capeesh?!”
 
Boy, she had an awfully big mouth for someone wedged halfway up my colon. It’s not like she didn’t know I took people up the ass plenty of times before; I mean, I had the tattoos, but me and Montoya go WAY back! I’ve told her myself how much I can fit back there (though compared to most ladies, I’ve heard Montoya’s no slouch in the bedroom either!), so she should’ve been the FIRST person to know that doctors, lawyers, sometimes even her own COPS go missing up my ass from time to time.
 
Besides, I had a reputation to uphold; if I just let some cop push me around, some other bozo’s just gonna be trying the same thing. Plus, I’ve made it a personal principle of mine that anything that goes IN my body ain’t coming back out, and while I’d planned on TRYING to let her back out once she got the diamond (never successfully done that before, but there’s a first time for everything), she had just the right attitude to tick me off in the worst kinda way, so I figured…
 
Eh, fuck it; let her have it!
 
“Well, you’re never gonna find it with THAT attitude, sugar!”, I told her.
“Now get in there and find us that diamond!”
 
She yelled something at me like “Harley!” or “God damn it!” or “I’m not ready to be cheek meat!”; I forgot what she said, but I DO remember getting that last one from SOMEBODY and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, it was fucking hilarious! What was I talking about? Oh yeah; Montoya.
 
So I clench real hard and she goes up my ass to go look for that diamond; I know she probably isn’t coming back out with the same angry little face she went in with, but whatever! One less cop on my ass and one more cop ON my ass has certainly never ruined my day!
 
I let out my usual big ol’ burp once she gets to my stomach before
 
“Harley…”, she says to me.
“I think swallowing her got you some attention.”
 
So I look down and, wouldn’t you know it, I see that Huntress chick sticking her face between my two gazoombas! I mean, I know I got a pretty rockin’ set of boobies, but I don’t get a lot of folks comin’ up and just sticking their head between them... not willingly, at least.
 
So I ask her, “Uh, Huntress? What the heck are you doing down there?”
 
Instead of answering, she kinda looks up at me like one of those sad dogs you see in the commercials before going back down and motorboating her face in my cleavage.
 
At least she TRIED to motorboat me; with boobs the size of beach balls, that was easier said than done.
 
But still, seeing how entranced she was by my obscenely hot breasts, I just figured it would be stupid to NOT have her be a part of them, so I carefully leaned down, picked up by her waist, then flipped her upside down and lowered her headfirst into my cleavage.
 
I don’t know why she started fighting me halfway through, though; it’s not like I’d be letting her out!
 
She finally calmed down once I had the whole of her in there; maybe it’s cause she was already boob meat, I don’t know.
 
What I DO know is that, once I was finished, I look over to Black Canary who’s looking at me like some elk being hunted by a lion. Good senses on her part; what, with me looking to “unite” the team again, only this time on my figure.
 
Not quite enough senses to dodge the little bonk I gave her right on the head with my mallet; made sure to make it a soft one, but that still didn’t stop her from completely knocking out cold, falling to the ground asleep like a sweet little lamb about to be mercilessly devoured in its sleep by one of those big worm things from Tremors.
 
Sure, it’s a lot EASIER to swallow someone when they’re unconscious, but that’s just a lot less fun for me, personally. I don’t know; guess I LIKE the ones with some fight in ‘em!
 
Though I CERTAINLY don’t like the indigestion they give me, but that usually doesn’t last long.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
So I’m on my own again, fucking WAY heavier than when I began; I had my old pal check out the scale for me since it’d been a while since I seen it, but I swallowed her before she could tell me (her ass was looking fucking DELICIOUS in those tight jeans she was wearing), so I’m not sure exactly how much, but it sure LOOKS like a lot!
 
I’m glad all those snacks managed to keep off of my pretty face, and hey, you’re not gonna catch ME complaining about boobs bigger than yoga balls!
 
I’m pretty sure my belly’s gotten a bit bigger, too. Last time I checked, all that flab was definitely past my knees, but now the things almost reaching the floor! A bit cumbersome but it’s got a LOT of room for more food, plus with a figure like mine, I make a gut like this look SEX-Y!
 
And speaking of sexy, I’m pretty sure just one LOOK at my ass will have guys creaming in their pants the moment they see it. I mean it was big before, but now? Gosh, I don’t even KNOW how I would describe it. The size, the width, the little bumps of cellulite, the way it wobbles real slow back and forth whenever I do ANYTHING: it’s perfect. It’s the world’s most perfect ass and, to be frank, I’m just thankful it chose me to be a part of it.
 
With half of Black Mask’s crew lining my hips, his syndicate or whatever you call it basically fell apart. And with all the crooks I’ve ALREADY got filling out my daily diet, that basically left ME as the biggest crime boss in Gotham! Oh, and I’m real important now, too!
 
Since I gave what was left of Montoya a first-class ticket through the Gotham City sewer system, I got some new ink to commemorate her and let me tell you, getting “COP KILLER” slapped right above my ass might be one of my favorite tattoo ideas ever! I went down to the little jail that she worked at, and when they asked if I knew her, I just bent over and showed ‘em my ass! Can you believe some of those guys tried grabbing my ass when I did that? Crazy stupid, right?! I just ate the ones that did to teach ‘em a lesson and just carried on my way.
 
As for the diamond, sorry to tell ya but I never found the damn thing. Trust me, I wanted to look as hard as I could for that thing when I stopped by the bathroom to get everything out of my system later that night; it’s just… it was a LOT of shit. Some bones and some bits of clothes in there, too, but I’m talking a MOUNTAIN of shit! Like, forty or fifty POUNDS. I am NOT digging my hands through all that! Learned that the hard way; tried keeping a few skulls for a trophy room I had planned, but… Yeah, on second thought, maybe it’s best I don’t talk about it.
 
Yeah, turns out life can be pretty good for a big girl like me.
 
And hey, if the world’s not big enough to take ya, there certainly ain’t no harm in getting just a little bigger!