Ring… Ring…
 
”Thank you for calling Pest Busters! My name is Rita, how may I help you?”
 
”Yeah hello, I have a goblin infestation.”
 
”A… Huh?”
 
”I’ve only seen two so far, though I’d like to get them out before they start breeding.”
 
”I’m sorry ma’am, did you say goblin?”
 
”Yeah, I have no idea how they got in, but I woke up this morning to find one on my bed sucking off my wife in her sleep. I think they got in through the window, but I don’t know how they managed to fit their asses in…”
 
”I-I apologize, but I don’t believe we deal with gobl-“
 
“I then went to wake up my daughter, didn’t want her to be late for her first day of college and all. But she wasn’t in bed! You know what was there? Another goblin digesting what was left of her!”
 
”Digest?!”
 
“Yeah, goblins gotta eat, you know? The one in my bed is still blowing my wife, but she’ll probably get hungry after a few more rounds. Remarrying is a bit of a hassle, so I’d like for you to come in before- HEY! NO, STOP!”
 
SPANK!
 
”You do NOT shit in my daughter’s closet, I just washed her clothes! Go dump her out in the backyard!”
 
…
 
”Sorry about that, I had to take that one outside to finish her business. Ugh, now it smells nasty here… Anyway, when can you be over?”
 
”M-Ma’am, I think you might need to call the police?”
 
”Pfft, what are they gonna do, arrest them? Look, I’m not asking you to exterminate them or anything, just get em’ out of my house! If it’s money you’re worried about I got plen-“
 
BWOOOORRRRRP!
 
”Oh damn it! Did she- Yep, she did! The other one just ate my wife. Fucking hell, she was great in bed too…”
 
”Wha? A-Aren’t you worried about her?”
 
”Why would I be worried? She’s a little pest! Ugh, I hope my wife gives her indigestion…”
 
“About your wife, not the goblin!”
 
”Well, there’s plenty of fish in the-”
 
Creeeeeeak…
 
”Ah, the first one’s back. Guess she’s done dropping off my daughter. Can you please hurry up? Goblins don’t exactly wipe, and if she gets shit stains on my couch I swear to-“
 
GLLP! GRLCH!
 
”W-What was that?”
 
”Just great, looks like she wants seconds. She’s gulping me down by the legs, so I guess you can just forget about coming over.”
 
”Wha? M-Ma’am?! You can’t be serious!”
 
”I mean, I’ll probably be a pile by noon, so don’t bother. Thank you for-“
 
GLRP! BRROOOOOOOP!
 
“Hello? HELLO?!”
 
…
 
”Hellos! Sorry for interrupt call, got- urp! hungry!”
 
“Wait, is this-“
 
”Byebye!”
 
Beeeeeeeep.