Posted by WoreHouse 6 months ago Report

Good introduction. I don't know how it will read for someone who is not familiar with, so to speak, the prey of this story, but for me you got into her mindset perfectly from the short backstory I wrote. My favorite moment here is definitely her fantasies about being in Rita's stomach with the others. This hot little scene literally came to life in my imagination and I myself felt this suffocating tightness, movement and groans of struggling wet bodies around. Mmm~

Great meeting scene. You conveyed the girl's emotions, thoughts and experiences well. They are so alive and natural!
Plus, in general, teasing Lin and relatively cold, almost machine-like, Rita are a great combination. These two characters complement each other perfectly.

I liked the digestion as a whole. Rita's insides are exactly as efficient and rough as I imagined them. The only thing I didn't like a little... is the technique you used to create the effect of muffled what the prey heard while in the stomach. I understood the first dialogue relatively well, but the meaning of the second one almost completely escaped me. Because of this, the effect of the accompanying actions was also dulled. I do not exclude that this is because English is not my native language but... perhaps instead it was worth writing direct speech as it is, with a narrative commentary that due to the walls of the stomach and its work, it was relatively difficult to hear what was happening outside. It would also be possible to add the sounds of gurgling, rumbling and squeezing of the stomach interrupting the dialogue going on outside to create the desired effect, but at the same time not complicate the reading too much.

The ending is a nice cherry on the cake, which harmoniously completes the narrative. It is so sweet that she left a bow as a keepsake. Although I also hope that the girl didn't disappear without a trace, but turned into semi-sentient living fat on one of Rita's female assets~

By the way, after Lin's comment about the skirt, I thought that in the end Rita would take this skirt for herself and try it on. Such a strong, relatively stingy with emotions predator... wearing a cute black mini-skirt. There is something in it, heh. In general, this idea excited me a little and for some reason I was waiting for such a small scene. But I know that you already wrote MUCH more than originally planned (~2k words), so I think this would be too good.

Overall - I liked the story. It was fascinating to follow and feel the interaction of Rita, Lin and the willing prey. I love such stories during which, from the overwhelming emotions, you want to take a short break, feel and savor this excitement, and then greedily begin to continue reading again. Excellent work!