Posted by TheCoolestdude 2 months ago Report

How the others?

Posted by Nebbie 2 months ago Report

I think the clop here was pretty good, but the story has real problems that I think could be fixed without changing much. Namely, Sunburst and Twilight's friends are all too quick to write off Celestia/Luna as monsters but not Starlight, Twilight's friends are too quick to oppose her, the pony-eating alicorns have done seems very vague in whether just a few at the start are sufficient to become and STAY an alicorn, and Twilight is moronic about her attempt to kill Starlight.

For specific recommendations:
Sunburst and Twilight's friends would probably just see this as not their business, being indifferent to Celestia/Luna and scared of Starlight. So, even if they wanted to help Twilight, they're not ready to do a rebellion (Starlight is now RIGHTFULLY their ruler, by right of conquest, and they wouldn't expect her to be a bad ruler as they've personally seen her be pretty reasonable after she left Our Town, arguably better than Twilight).
Adding on to that, if you specified that alicorns have to eat ponies every so often to maintain their forms, it would make more sense that they take moral issue with Twilight, as she didn't just get blindsided by Celestia once, but with a recurring evil act, planning to lie to them forever (cue some of the mane 6 asking if some criminal family of theirs REALLY were on some "criminal quarantine island"...).
Finally, Twilight has no reason to use a sword, she would probably plan instead to poison Starlight to weaken her, confront her, and take her horn off if necessary to merely disable her. Starlight could come to Sunburst, seeing him as an ally, only for her attempt to get her to poison Starlight backfire spectacularly by actually making him less concerned about Starlight's behavior (he may think the poison would even kill her, thus he at least sees Starlight as less underhooved of an alicorn, giving him a moral reason to be on her side in addition to her being his friend).

Posted by Nebbie 2 months ago Report

Note that even with these changes, it would behoove the Twilight's friends parts to have them not basically break up with her dramatically over this, but just be at the point they aren't willing to save her from herself or help her. Some like Fluttershy might even ask about just talking to Starlight, not liking the idea of an assassination and more violence that could make the problem worse. Rainbow as well could say that as a Wonderbolt, she'd be a traitor to defy the new princess, and she's literally the element of loyalty.

Posted by RedNastyFox 2 months ago Report

(Sent the unfinished comment by an accident and had to delete it)

Thank you for your comments! I appreciate the analysis you did as well as your suggestions! The fact you bothered to write this much makes me happy because it you considered this story had unrealized potential and could be better, otherwise you'd just pass by and find another one.

The main issue is this story being a commercial project. Commissioners are usually only interested in clop part, but not the story around it. So, I had only 500 words to explain why Twilight goes to fight Starlight alone, and then 500 more for her to have and lose that fight. But even then I ended up writing twice more for free because I didn't want to cut the corners this much out of the respect for the characters and the world I love and care about.

Of course, if it was up to me - I would make Twilight swallow and digest a pony all her friends know and love because of an uncontrollable outburst of hunger (like you mentioned, alicorns have to consume ponies on a regular basis and Twilight planned to lie to her friends about it forever, but I did a poor job reflecting it in the story), and Rainbow/Fluttershy oversee that from the air. Then give them enough time to demonstrate their fear during casual conversations with her until finally they snap and tell Twilight they don't want to be friends anymore. But that alone would already be as long as this whole story came out and it is way off the commissioner's vision.

Twilight's idiotic attack on Starlight is mostly based on my headcanon of Twilight and Celestia being lovers. (Which probably should have been explicitly stated in the story) And since Twilight is still young and immature, especially by alicorn standards, it's only natural for her to not want to poison or disable Starlight, but to shred her into pieces with extreme prejudice.

As for Sunburst's behavior, I would love him to be miserable in Starlight's company and obey her only out of fear to share the fate of that unicorn maid she ate. But once again, it's a commission and I don't have much creative control over it.

Once again, thank you for the time and effort you put in these comments. I will try harder to properly convey the important facts like those I mentioned in the brackets in the future stories.

Posted by Nebbie 2 months ago Report

Ah I see, yeah 500 words is pretty tight and applies a lot of pressure, even if the end result seems like more is said in dialog than necessary.

Posted by TheCoolestdude 2 months ago Report

Will she go eat the rest of the Mane 6?

Posted by RedNastyFox 3 weeks ago Report

The commissioner planned Starlight to force them eat each other. >:3

Posted by TheCoolestdude 3 weeks ago Report

Voreception

Posted by Confusedbat123 4 weeks ago Report

Hooray sequel

Posted by RedNastyFox 4 weeks ago Report

Glad that you like it! ^__^

Posted by TheCoolestdude 4 weeks ago Report

How about the human world?

Posted by RedNastyFox 3 weeks ago Report

It surely sounds fun, especially if it would be pony eating human, but it depends on the commissioner if he wants to go this route.

Posted by TheCoolestdude 3 weeks ago Report

Getting to eat Twilight twice. If Starlight turn human in the human world that would be surreal for her. The best part is the fact that the human versions of the main 6 wouldn't recognize her.