Posted by iliapoerion 15 years ago Report

It reads like a real story, instead of a fetish-short. Good stuff. I am too tired to elaborate, but I like it. Cheers

Posted by timing2 15 years ago Report

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Most of the stories I write, while having vore in them, do not make it their central focus. If it happens, it happens, as they say.

Posted by Sehnsucht 15 years ago Report

Apparently, I'm not too tired to elaborate... You didn't ask for a critique in the style of the Eka's Portal Writing Group, but you got one. I really enjoyed the story, especially as it deals with (some of) the reasons behind the predation of the protagonist. Anyway, below are comments written as I read through the story. If they're written in the imperative it's for brevity, not to be presumptuous. If they seem to focus on the bad aspects then let me assure you that your story was a pleasure to read and that your writing style is brisk and absorbing. Feel free to ask for clarification on any points where I'm not clear!


I love the way she's depicted as middle-of-the-foodchain :) I'd like a line describing what a Neera looks like since I'm not up on Felarya. At first I liked the almost incidental level of detail of her meal, but given that her cruelty is an important character flaw later I'd like to see a couple of sentences (narrative or dialogue) hinting at it (even if she's interrupted before she does anything crazy). (Cruel cats are excellent in their own right, but here there's a plot reason!)

"she noticed the place did not seem natural" reveals immediately to the reader that the place is not natural, something I think is best to develop over time. How about "it occurred to her that the place did not seem natural"?

"They were flitting around the flowers haphazardly. She also heard what might have been a small waterfall or creek nearby, although she could not see it." With the neko pooped out and falling asleep you could get away with getting poetic and very passive. I think the word haphazard gives the impression the birds don't know what they're doing, when I'm sure they're flitting "according to some design of their own" or something. Rather than ending the para on a negative although-clause, it seems to me to keep the hypnagogic flow better if all statements were positive: "An unseen creek chattered to itself nearby", or something (I know, I know, but it illustrates my point :P).

"this annoyed her more than she cared to admit." Lazy wording, as no one's asking her to admit anything here. Maybe you're going for the image of her checking her irritation, making sure it doesn't show?

"do you even bother with names, being so small and all?" Heh :D

"this place, other than" should be a question mark or semicolon; or get rid of the following "I mean".

"They had an assortment of small fruits with them". Were the fruits carried in biers, or was each tomthumb carrying an orange, or what?

I like the way she's still a little arrogant even after being given the fruit; like she expects it as the natural order of things. "Impressive, aren't I?": win.

"Satasha was confused." I don't understand why she's confused. I thought she was just curious.

"Come over here and tell me that again. I didn't quite hear you.": heheh.

Is it really spelt "dridder"? I read that as rhyming with "bidder". Not drider, which rhymes with "rider"?

When using "little" as a noun is it worth stretching the rules and capitalising it, to distinguish it from the adjective?

"And most of us know how to aim": I'm reminded of the old joke. "Most of us known how to aim, but some of us don't, and who knows /where/ we'll hit you?"

"The Turning" is a really weak term. "The Turning Point"?

"words, strangely, she knew": here, "strangely" isn't doing any work. You show that it's strange in the following text. Cut that flab!

"across for more eloquently than mere words": for=>far, and Quincy's a bit pretentious, isn't he? :)

"fell upon it with gusto", "she began cleaning herself": I'm not saying you should devote a page to description, but this is a chance to really establish some visual feline characteristics. When she's grooming, what's her posture? She's talking to Quincy---you can mention her moving from hand to arm, or something.

"Quincy was hoping up and down in excitement." I'd got the impression that Quincy was composed and maybe a little stiff, and this jarred with that impression. If he really is so excited, it'd've helped me to have Satasha comment upon it in a thought.

"Quincy punctuated each rule by counting with a raised finger" could come right after "Four reasons:" for more immediate effect.

"resigned sadness" seems a little melodramatic, and I'm not sure what she's resigning to. A pang of sadness seems more the speed I was expecting.

"awed at how much time and effort had gone into the gardens": she might not guess how much time has gone into it---she seemed like a slightly self-obsessed little neko. But it might be on Quincy's mind. Maybe report some of his speech: "while Quincy explained how much time...", or something.

"if she did not know any better" blarg cliche

"around the swish": "the" => "to".

"the dam broke" a few sentences too soon, I think. If she's spent so long building psychological walls and trying not to think about it, there'd be a few moments of silence. Also, the expositional mention of slavers is redundant in light of the dialogue that shortly follows. Getting rid of it would permit you to remove the awful use of the word "awfulness" :P

"I can't explain even now" is a little stilted and can be removed.

"Suddenly, like the final stroke of thunder from rampaging storm fading away in the distance, her anger fled" I see this is meant to tie in to the section header "The Storm". Maybe emphasise this by changing that "the dam broke" to a rain metaphor. Anyway, the image here is nice, but clumsily worded. Something like: "But then she looked at him with sudden clarity, calm after the storm"? For my part, this sudden clarity would be best without the "broken shell" comment or the longing for forgiveness; I can imagine the catharsis of finally saying all this and the temporary peace it might give more than wanting forgiveness from a stranger. Also, it implies she's still got more to work out; she's not becomes completely emotionally passive/open. But she's your character, and you understand her better than me.

"I already gave my word on that, even if I didn't speak it" would benefit from a different euphemism than giving her word, since the current wording doesn't make sense (speaking is integral to it!).

The ending was sweet :)

Posted by Sehnsucht 15 years ago Report

Ooo, something that just occurred to me. If everything's not now wrapped up and sorted out, and if she harbours any hatred towards those who kidnapped her family, maybe she'll be impelled to go seek out any survivors! Skipping to the end of "Cat Games" it sounds like you've wrapped up this character, but it struck me as a potentially interesting plot.

Posted by timing2 15 years ago Report

I felt like I've had a paper graded in school. I'm not complaining, however. I have to say, this reads more like what an editor would do than a critic.

Ah yes, the neera. I should've probalby written that as mouseboy (or something along those lines) to save time. It's easy to forget that not everyone who reads my stories is aware of the various races prevalent on Felarya.

As a human-sized neko on Felarya, Satasha is very much middle-of-the-foodchain. Her cruelty at the point where she's eating the neeras is non-existent. She's too busy just trying to survive than to play with or torment her prey. There's also the fact she's gotten most of that out of her system by this point.

To the neko, the birds were zinging around without any apparent rhyme or reason. She's so used to the dull landscape of the rocky plains, seeing all that color and motion at once was overwhelming.

As for her irritation, yes, she simply didn't want it to show.

Should've been more descriptive as to the size of the fruits. The tomthumbs were carrying one or two per person: various small berries, grapes, and such. Certainly nothing bigger than an apple or orange.

Satasha was confused because the tomthumb just told her a slug-girl and human were married, and that the slug-girl was "queen" of the tomthumbs. To her, that makes absolutely no sense at all. Slug-girls don't marry humans. And tomthumbs are, in general, little more than snacks for most slug-girls. For a slug-girl to be called "queen" by them is absurd.

Yes, the Felarya spelling is indeed "dridder." I'm not 100% certain where the Felaryan version came from, but looking at some of Karbo's early works shows a picture of Lloth (D&D drow goddess) as a drider. That most likely means dridder is simply a variant spelling of drider, since they are both spider-humanoid hybrids.

You may be right about Little vs little. That hadn't occurred to me because I'm accustomed to seeing it used in that manner. Also "tinies" is another term commonly used to describe very small races (mouse people, tomthumbs, and others).

All of my chapter headings follow a pattern - two words in this case. The Turning was indeed weak, but I didn't want to go with three words. It's a silly thing but something I always try to do.

Agreed that the neko cleaning scene would've been a good place to examine her feline characteristics.

Quincy is usually calm and collected. He probably would not have been hopping up and down, per se. Bouncing in place would've been more accurate. Nevertheless, he was extremely excited that she was beginning to see him as something more than food. The fact was she had apologized for calling him a morsel and, to him at least, that was a huge step in the right direction. When she said she was stuck in the homestead, that was a prime opportunity for him to do some more convincing and cajoling.

Yep, "a pang of" is better than "resigned."

Satasha isn't so much self-obsessed. It's more that she's not used to caring about others or her environment, beyond how such could be used to keep her safe and fed. It was left unsaid, but Quincy would be an expert salesman if such things existed in Felarya. He most likely went into great detail, explaining how many years of tender loving care went into every aspect of the homestead. Satasha had certainly never seen anything like it before in her life, so she was easy to impress. I should've probably given a little more time to show how Quincy gave her his world-class tour.

The bit about the dam breaking was already reworked in the version I have on deviantart.com. I didn't update it here, apparently.

I'll have to think more on the ending suggestions.

This isn't the last we'll see of Satasha, though I hadn't thought about her going after those who enslaved her people. That would be a monumental undertaking on her parts, both due to the time that has passed and the fact she has no idea where to even begin looking. I suppose it's possible something from her past might find her, which could then lead to a new adventure. Life is often many times stranger than what we write in stories.

Thanks for taking the time to go over this. I appreciate the effort and more than a few of your suggestions will make it into the any future revisions.

Posted by MicroNekoGirlPur 10 years ago Report

there were definitely moments in this that made me just go aw~ and it reads really well. good job!