Very nice work with Chapter 1, though it kinda raises a lot of questions, like how did she fall out of favor with her family, what events led to her meeting the bounty issuer in Shadowdale, and to the temple of the disciples of death? Still enjoyed the chapter, and particularly the amount of work Elarial went through to seduce the information from Aiden.
Aww nicely done. First chapter is usually hard to keep interesting thanks to the necessity for loads of story and little action, but you pulled this one off nicely. You have some serious talent, and that isnt something I say a lot on this site.
Hey. I know this inexcusably late, but I thought I'd let you know I *did* read this, a while ago actually, but wanted to give it some suitably thorough feedback, and... kinda lost track.
Real life just hasn't been super-cooperative with me of late... (you may have noticed not a lot of stories going up on my profile in the last couple of months, either XD) so yeah, sorry about that. Hopefully I'll get to it in the near future, but it seemed like well past time that I at least left *something* here.
Yeah, I saw that. Haven't given it a look yet, but I'll be sure to. Anyway:
After way too freaking long, I've gotten around to giving this some proper feedback!
First, the sentence structure and general 'flow' seem to be much improved from the last one I read. It moved along at a pretty brisk pace, and never felt boring or slow, even though the whole thing pretty much consisted of the one scene between Elarial and Aiden. The interactions between the two were quite endearing and amusing, especially when Elarial was employing her feminine wiles on the poor guy. He never had a chance. XD
You do a pretty good job of setting up the characters here, especially since there's a fair amount of information that needed to be unloaded onto the reader regarding the scythe and the old ones and whatnot. I also thought the observation about how lots and lots of sects call themselves the 'old ones' was rather amusing. It's probably a rather popular title. :D
Most of the flaws I noticed in the last one I read are absent here, with the exception of the comma thing. There were a number of places where sentences needed an extra comma or two, but overall even that seemed very much improved. Dialogue was slightly stiff in a few places, but I think that's just a matter of practice and remembering to read it back to yourself, ideally out loud (if no one's nearby, of course xD) to get a better feel for the flow of spoken dialogue.
Really, I'm kinda struggling to come up with critiques here. You might have been able to explain how she got the big scary scythe of doom (haha) a bit more smoothly, I suppose...? I dunno, I think part of the reason I kept blanking on coming up with a decent critique for this, is that it was pretty short, and pretty solidly written.
In any case, I'll see about having a look at that elusive chapter 2 in the (hopefully) very near future.
Keep up the good work, dude.
(And sorry once again for being so darn late with this, too)
Posted by vore2412 14 years ago Report
Very nice work with Chapter 1, though it kinda raises a lot of questions, like how did she fall out of favor with her family, what events led to her meeting the bounty issuer in Shadowdale, and to the temple of the disciples of death? Still enjoyed the chapter, and particularly the amount of work Elarial went through to seduce the information from Aiden.
Posted by Lum_the_mad 14 years ago Report
Ah my good reader, pretty much every thing you just asked is explained in the elusive chapter two... if Only I could get around to it >_>
Posted by vore2412 14 years ago Report
Typical author...leave the reader hanging :(
Posted by Stormer 14 years ago Report
Aww nicely done. First chapter is usually hard to keep interesting thanks to the necessity for loads of story and little action, but you pulled this one off nicely. You have some serious talent, and that isnt something I say a lot on this site.
Posted by PrinnyDood 13 years ago Report
Hey. I know this inexcusably late, but I thought I'd let you know I *did* read this, a while ago actually, but wanted to give it some suitably thorough feedback, and... kinda lost track.
Real life just hasn't been super-cooperative with me of late... (you may have noticed not a lot of stories going up on my profile in the last couple of months, either XD) so yeah, sorry about that. Hopefully I'll get to it in the near future, but it seemed like well past time that I at least left *something* here.
Keep on writing, dude.
Posted by Lum_the_mad 13 years ago Report
Just so you know, I finally finished my elusive chapter two xD
Posted by PrinnyDood 13 years ago Report
Yeah, I saw that. Haven't given it a look yet, but I'll be sure to. Anyway:
After way too freaking long, I've gotten around to giving this some proper feedback!
First, the sentence structure and general 'flow' seem to be much improved from the last one I read. It moved along at a pretty brisk pace, and never felt boring or slow, even though the whole thing pretty much consisted of the one scene between Elarial and Aiden. The interactions between the two were quite endearing and amusing, especially when Elarial was employing her feminine wiles on the poor guy. He never had a chance. XD
You do a pretty good job of setting up the characters here, especially since there's a fair amount of information that needed to be unloaded onto the reader regarding the scythe and the old ones and whatnot. I also thought the observation about how lots and lots of sects call themselves the 'old ones' was rather amusing. It's probably a rather popular title. :D
Most of the flaws I noticed in the last one I read are absent here, with the exception of the comma thing. There were a number of places where sentences needed an extra comma or two, but overall even that seemed very much improved. Dialogue was slightly stiff in a few places, but I think that's just a matter of practice and remembering to read it back to yourself, ideally out loud (if no one's nearby, of course xD) to get a better feel for the flow of spoken dialogue.
Really, I'm kinda struggling to come up with critiques here. You might have been able to explain how she got the big scary scythe of doom (haha) a bit more smoothly, I suppose...? I dunno, I think part of the reason I kept blanking on coming up with a decent critique for this, is that it was pretty short, and pretty solidly written.
In any case, I'll see about having a look at that elusive chapter 2 in the (hopefully) very near future.
Keep up the good work, dude.
(And sorry once again for being so darn late with this, too)