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Come to think of it, Rei needs more love too.
First of all, it's been forever since my last story, sorry about that, I'll try writing faster.
Second, this is my first Non-Touhou story.
Third, I wanted to try something different with this one: putting actual ingame dialogue into a different context. (original cutscene can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=butP3SAPLrY&t=5791)
Finally, the preview image can be found here: https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2508954
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Posted by Seblennon 6 years ago Report
Nice story
Posted by Pickyfanboy 6 years ago Report
Thanks :)
And you'll be happy to know that I'm also working on a story featuring our favorite flat-chested goddess :)
Posted by Seblennon 6 years ago Report
You're welcome
Posted by ItsSongxing 6 years ago Report
Alright, time to drop some review in on this!
So, let me say, first off, that I haven't played the Nepnep game that Rei's in. (I did watch the anime, but never got around to the games, whoops) So, I won't be saying much on the characters. You did seem to get Neptune's mannerisms pretty much down pat, but I don't know quite how much was taken from ingame as your description said.
Your formatting needs a bit of work. The Portal's document converter can be a pain for most file formats - personally, I like to use .rtf files saved specifically within WordPad (not MS Office Word or Google Docs). That also being said, you make a new paragraph whenever anyone says anything. You only need to set a new paragraph when a different character is speaking, in terms of dialogue in most cases. This made it a bit difficult to tell who was speaking in the beginning of the story; the paragraph breaks said "New character speaking," when it was actually still the same character. Also, double-spacing between paragraphs can really help with legibility; it signals clearly that this isn't some chance line break, but indeed a new paragraph. (Indents help too, but word processors can be picky with auto-indenting, and Eka's is particularly finicky with them.)
Nitpicks about formatting aside - descriptions. You've definitely put a lot more effort into the belly and weight gain, and it shows! They're pretty good! But, early on, they're pretty weak, both for what the characters are doing/feeling, and what's going on around them. I didn't really get that feeling of disorientation at the start with Rei being in the middle of nowhere, and the rising tension within Rei is very much told, rather than /shown/. I'd add in little bits like an eye twitching, or delving into Rei's thoughts, or - instead of saying "her emotional instability made clear by her tone," show it by saying the voice was shaky, or that it was coming through her teeth, or it sounded choked off as if near to tears.
Overall, not a horrible story. Everyone started from somewhere, and I can tell you're someone who wants to improve and make your stories better. With a bit of tweaking, this could be a real short-and-sweet thing! You keep up the work, and I'll be supporting those efforts.
Posted by Pickyfanboy 6 years ago Report
I see where you're coming from with the formatting issues and I'll try fixing them in future stories, I will also try your suggestions when they apply.
As for the mannerisms and the start of the story, I took all but one spoken line word-for-word from the cutscene, as you can see here: https://youtu.be/butP3SAPLrY?t=5791
mostly this was an experiment to see how well I could rework actual dialogue into a vorish scenario. There is one other cutscene I might try this with (this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiakI7W3XWc) but I won't do it with every story from now on. Thank's for your input, and no hard feelings about before, right?
Posted by ItsSongxing 6 years ago Report
Yeah, formatting's tough on Eka's, so I'm just telling you what I do.
As for the mannerisms, that does make sense, how accurate they are. I'd say your experiment was mostly a success, its shortcomings being more a matter of execution than of concept. You could definitely add more expressiveness and actions than what the visual novel-style format shows. I'd keep that much in mind for the next adaptation, should you write it.
And yeah, no hard feelings! You're getting better with how you express your preferences, and hey - since I was one of the ones telling you to make the content you want to see, I'm happy to see that you've actually taken that advice. (Plus, Rei is an absolutely lovely character that I'm glad to see some stuff of. Cute, but can quickly turn evil!)
Posted by Pickyfanboy 6 years ago Report
Yeah, Rei is indeed a great character. She's my 2nd favorite nep character, 2nd only to
Posted by Pickyfanboy 5 years ago Report
https://aryion.com/g4/view/555847
Posted by VertGreenHeart 6 years ago Report
So what else can we get from this?
A sequel?
Posted by Pickyfanboy 6 years ago Report
Maybe. But first, I wanto to focus on an underloved flat goddess.
Posted by VertGreenHeart 6 years ago Report
Really more Blanc?
Posted by Pickyfanboy 6 years ago Report
She needs more love
Posted by VertGreenHeart 6 years ago Report
Ok.