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Now this is a story that I wanted to do and yes I am working on the christmas story a seqaul to blue toad's thanksgiving mistake I just finish the begining part, shantae belongs to erin Bozon Bolo Risky boots sky and mimic beglong to matt bozon
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Posted by Ento 6 years ago Report
Hey, man, have you ever heard of Paragraphs or pacing? Your Sentences are all run on and go way too long, the pace of the story is way too fast, there's no time to build or appreciate anything, which causes everything to sound robotic and un-natural.
Slow down, separate your sentences, space out your paragraphs and actually describe things.
Posted by 10younameit 6 years ago Report
Yes I heard of paragraphing and pacing that is what I am trying to do and yes I do need to slow down in my story
Posted by Ento 6 years ago Report
Maybe try and add these suggestions to your regular typing too, your using a run-on sentence here. Your using 'and' too much and periods too little.
Posted by 10younameit 6 years ago Report
Thanks the pointers I actaully did this while I was in bed, I think at 1:41 I think so yeah I was tired when I did this, I am planning to do an update to this stiry fixing all the errors, you pointed out.
Posted by Ento 6 years ago Report
Ok, that's good. And commas is a good start, but your sentence is still a run on.
Just... Try and read some of the stories on here format them a little closer to that, ok?
Posted by 10younameit 6 years ago Report
Okay thanks for the help