Floyd Fairwarning. Husband and father, he’s the one who brings home the bacon. And the poultry, game, rabbit, mouse…

Floyd isn’t the kind of fox to look for long-term employment. Instead, he brings his broad skill-set to a range of contract roles. He always carries a couple dozen business cards with him, and no two of them say the same thing. A few that he might hand you are:

Management Consultant:- In all companies there are factors which limit productivity, and Floyd is an expert in eliminating them, whatever- or whoever- they are. In small companies, just one or two members of the team who are a poor fit, don’t pull their weight or, even worse, are pulling in a different direction to everyone else, can be fatal. Floyd is skilled at identifying these impediments, even when the problems they cause are subtle enough that nobody else has noticed them. Providing this service in many different companies has allowed him to spot patterns which many are unaware of. For example, you’d be surprised how often it’s the plump bunny lady with those mouth-watering thighs who needs to be taken care of. In larger corporations, simplification is the name of the game when improving productivity, and this fox will always find a way to remove employees- or even entire departments- from the workflow. While removal of staff can be a trying time for a company, Floyd always brings his personal touch to the process, and in doing so helps his clients avoid pension costs and potential wrongful dismissal liabilities.

Motivational Event Coordinator:- Floyd is a firm believer in the power of team-building exercises to bring employees closer together. Sometimes even close enough to share the same burlap sack, or boiling fox-gut. He has a range of activities which he will craft into a bespoke programme to meet any company’s needs, including trust exercises (demonstrating the benefits and drawbacks of trust in various situations, with a strong emphasis on the latter), cooperative games aimed at promoting intra-team collaboration (often using high stakes to increase motivation), and group roleplays (testing employees’ abilities under pressure in unanticipated situations). For a larger fee, he will sometimes roll multiple exercises up into more elaborate scenarios played out in the office environment like “Stranded on a deserted island” or “Fox loose in the farm”. He is always careful to ensure that his contract for these roles allows him a free hand to adapt his events to the circumstances as he sees fit, and though managers are often surprised to find themselves short a few employees by the time the fox is done, Floyd is usually able to prevent complaints by inviting them home for dinner and buttering them up (though usually his wife, Fiona, is the one to actually apply the butter).

Poultry Inspector:- Floyd has a wealth of experience working with poultry species such as ducks, turkeys, quail, and- especially- chickens. Because of their flocking instincts, these birds are often found in high concentrations in particular departments within a company, bringing unique challenges specific to their species. Floyd has expertise identifying and proactively tackling issues such as moulting, hunt-and-peck typing, lunchtime pecking-order disputes, and egg-laying. As a fox, he has found that his presence “in the henhouse” is uniquely motivating to these species. Floyd has a track record of obtaining such dramatic productivity gains that often his clients find they need significantly fewer staff to get the same work done. He is, of course, happy to bring his skills to bear in the ensuing downsizing of personnel.

Between roles, Floyd has to do a certain amount of hustling and schmoozing to continue to find work, and to replenish his network whenever any of his existing contacts are foolish enough to let him get them alone. He’s a fairly frequent golf player, owning a set of a clubs and an XXL burlap-lined bag for them. Although he doesn’t have a great handicap, he is quite skilled at handicapping his opponents, his swing of choice being a 3-wood to the back of the knees. He also attends industry conventions, though he never sets up his own stall, preferring to find somebody else offering similar services to his and man their table instead, while the original occupant lies hogtied and gagged behind the display.

There’s more to life than work though, and Floyd is sure to keep a good work/life/life-taking balance. As fulfilling, and filling, as his career is, the real centre of his life is his family. He adores his wife Fiona, to the extent that none of his schemes feel quite complete unless she’s brought her nefarious vixenly touch to them. Nothing makes his heart soar like bringing a smile to her lethal muzzle, and he brings every bit as much charisma and craftiness to doing so as he would to talking a bunny into a bag. His love for her will never wane until the machinations of her sly, foxy mind become stale, and he’s sure the stars will burn out long before that happens.

He’s also always made sure to be there for his son, Flynn. From playing catch with him as a cub (cutting off the escape of whoever little Flynn was trying to catch) to helping him when he was stuck on how to cheat at his homework, to teaching power-tool safety when building DIY traps, to giving driving lessons on how to hit pedestrians without denting the car, Floyd did everything a fox father should. He always made sure to encourage his son’s curiosity, cunning and cruelty, and share his fatherly advice when it was warranted. Floyd believes that, just like a henhouse raid, parenthood can be judged by its results, and Flynn has grown into such an enthused, lethal young predator that Floyd feels just about as successful as a fox who’d bagged every hen, a couple of lambs, and the farmer’s wife for good measure.

Floyd doesn’t do too much relaxing in his downtime. As he’d say, why kill time when you can kill your neighbours? He likes to spend as much of it as possible with his wife and son, and the rest is split between making DIY traps, tinkering with automobiles (other people’s), and the occasional spot of gardening.

Quote: “Would you step into my office? Don’t worry, this will only take a minute.”

-----
At long last, I've gotten around to writing up introductions for my predatory vulpine suburbanite family, so you can officially meet the Fairwarnings! Look forward to reading more about their schemes and antics in the future.

Artwork by  Humbug whose designs helped bring these characters to life.

Please login to post a comment.