Posted by Astronommy 3 years ago Report

Praise our lucky stars, it's Story Time again!

I have to admit that while I applaud your courageous sincerity, reading all the familiar names did make me feel like I was the one crawling inside someone else's bra drawer. The sense of embarrassment wasn't overwhelming, though, but definitely a ringing in the air at the edge of hearing -- it will be an experience getting farther into the story! I do realize that it will more likely be an exaggerated self-caricature than an accurate self-portrait, but I'll still be cautious about the intimate ties the characters here may have to real people.

Wonderfully circumspect descriptions for the sequence of actions that took the Fours-- THE PROTAGONIST from the scene of the inciting incident accident site and into the apparent hub harbor of the story! The little details like the large viscous droplets and the difference in momentum for the miniaturized body were very much appreciated, and humbly anticipating more of the same. Lovely and thrilling food preparation scene, too!

And all the German was a very classy touch! It's not a Swords' story without a cubic centimeter of quaint-yet-austere European overtones permeating the overall bouquet!

The audacity of the method of self-delivery -- on the protagonist's part in regards to intruding upon his friend's privacy, and in terms of brazen, crazy creativity of it -- kept me amused and warm through the shivery environment of Becca's domain, and the horror of the knife scene. The whole first part of the chapter reminded me heavily of this scene from Rescuers Down Under:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBPRvOtgy9M

Blessed be all the artists who have ever been involved in thinking through those Mouse's-Eyes-View scenarios! Oh, and it also did give me that swoon of perspective adjustment regarding the potential for the current level of technology to facilitate these outlandish scenarios. I also was reminded of the eponymous Chamomile from her story maintaining her bank account. Online communication is the ultimate masquerade and equalizer.

Lastly, while I understand that the narrative voice for most of the piece is stylized as a raw conversational mode of recounting a series of events to a listener, but the first part felt a little dry as the result. I'm almost certain that was due to the way I was reading the story, though, as I was warming my mind up for the day during those first dozen paragraphs. And it's one of the primordial challenges to make the inside of a box sound exciting. I mean, there's a good deal of emoting on the narrator's part, and the recounted events are all nominally exciting for sure, and while the dialogue exchange still lasted, it wasn't noticeable. I will need to read it again with a clearer head -- if anything, the knowledge of the later events should make it a richer experience. Sorry for being a fly in your otherwise excellent wonton soup!

(A preliminary correction: I believe I've found the right kind of inner voice to read the introductory part in to make it properly engaging -- it's a sort of a Hunter S. Thompson lurching ramble, with either a rhythmic soft jazz or a Miami lounge lizard tune playing in the background)

* * *

"so something" -- this might be just a bit of verbal clutter, would go well with the style; I don't know about this one.

"budge budge"

"the even the"

"the faucet the faucet"

Posted by 4ofSwords 3 years ago Report

Thanks for the feedback, as always. I definitely appreciate critique as well as the positive spins, but especially when it is couched so cordially.

I'm afraid this story is liable to suffer from several darlings (of the variety writers are advised to 'kill'), though with any luck we've encountered them all in the beginning and can move past them. It doesn't bear well for getting anyone interested enough in the story to proceed into chapter 2, but I'll post the full thing before deciding just how murderous with the red pen of death I need to be. Those darlings are:

1) The story is based on a dream. Always a red flag, that - dream are born of disembodied significance, and attempting to relate that significance to anyone else is always a doomed endeavor. All the gods had to do to curse Cassandra was have her dream her prophecy. That said, though it may be a writer's tragedy, this story is sort of an exercise in trying to capture that particular essence that moved me in the dream, even if it's been wrapped in a more traditional narrative package. Though it wasn't dreamborn, The Director was essentially the same thing, though that was the noumenal quality.

2) The introduction is intentionally off-putting. The goal was to establish a note of discord between the two of them - he dove headfirst into this without thinking; as much as she likes the idea of a little person to play around with, she has her own life and thoughts and plans, and those two don't marry seamlessly. There's only so much danger you can invest into the first chapter of a five part vore story, so my hope was that the rough start - before the narrator fell into his inner voice instead of his interrupted, self-justifying dialog voice - would put a whiff of antagonism between the two of them, so the introduction of the knife and foodstuffs wouldn't just fall limp.

3) The names - these are courtesy of the dream as well. I'm possibly as skeeved by the first-person insert as you might be to read and comment on it. It wasn't my original intention to go this route, but an erstwhile comment encouraged me to delve into the discomfort here.

We'll see how well the story bears so much preciousness in such a small space!

Posted by Astronommy 3 years ago Report

Thank you for braving through a clarification so brutal to your choices for this story!

I wouldn't know anything about proper writing procedure, but I wouldn't be too harsh on indulging these "darlings" in a story not meant for the pitiless scrutiny of some editor ghoul from an era-old publishing house, and that your livelihood doesn't depend on. We all know the spectrum and its extremes: there's the self-indulgent, over-ambitious bumbling amateur and there's the human conveyor belt with their soul trapped in an oubliette of marketable cliches. Sometimes -- especially if you have a body of work that could populate a small library -- it's permissible to let loose and draw on those forbidden unprofessional impulses for inspiration, which is what I believe you have been doing, going by your explanation.

And it may be my cognitive deficiencies acting up, but I'm not seeing how "darlings" Number 1 and 3 can be separated (letting irrational spontaneity influence the creative process), and how Number 2 is a "darling", even: is the intended category the deliberate addition of off-putting material in a fictional story that, traditionally, is meant to be enjoyed? Are "darlings" just Tempting Bad Writing Practices, like writing about unfamiliar complex professions without doing the research on them, or making the antagonists belong to a social group you dislike?

For me, "darlings" in relation to someone's writing are deeply ingrained stylistic tendencies, like in your case the empowered female antagonist sizzling with sensuality and menace, the lovably ineffectual frustrated hero who nearly escapes with his dignity, the intricate descriptions of complex machinery or organizations, the lavish burlesque backdrops, the big perspective-twisting reveal midway through, the dreamlike religious tone for death and orgasms (as close as the two are placed in this community) -- that kind of thing. Some of it can be viewed as general writing tropes, but they all have a unique flavor in your works.

Another This-Just-In: I've read up on the origin and the popular perception of what "darlings" are, or at least the brackets of meaning for the term, and those brackets are pretty wide! The point is getting outside your comfort zone, but I'm still in the knee-jerk rejection stage for both the meaning and the fairness of this advice, as tough-love-helpful as it might appear. I've read the works of some pretty unadventurous and safe authors, and they were the ones getting a steady income out of their work, and my favorite visual novel artist -- favorite for how daring and dedicated they have been for two decades -- has been languishing in a spot just above the survival threshold, economically, so an aspiring artist really should question the outcome they're aiming for. Like, the path that would benefit the most from the suggestion to never stop breaking molds and taking risks starts with Step A: Inherit A Fortune. But even getting to the point of settling into a routine of safe bread-winning writing requires a lot of breaking oneself in, unfortunately.

I have literally been chipping at this message for hours, deciding in the process to excise the third of it that felt was the most stale, narcissistic and indulgent. (which, considering how much of that still remains, is highly disturbing)

And my first instinct to tell every struggling person to take it easy and count their triumphs, stemming very much from my own history of failure, and pouring balm on my owns sores as well as bringing a sense of power with the patronizingly benign tone of it, is very much a "darling" of my personality that I would be better off without in some areas. But it's something that I can't let go of on a whim and in an instant -- only drift away from it.

Hereby, the soppy digression is over.

When I mentioned the introduction was a bit dry, I was referring more to the necessary absence of the warm human sensual feedback and the inquisitive sharpness of vision that go with a proper first/third person narration, just a list of circumstances set in a row, and by your varied talents given every possible nudge up towards the edge of being interesting.

That whiff of emotional coldness between the conversing parties at the very beginning, that edge of annoyance was definitely felt, though! And the guy did feel, from the third person perspective, unwelcome in his new accommodation. And Becca's cruel jest, followed by the anachronistically presented interrogation, felt quite on point, considering the history of interaction between the two, the nature of that interaction, and the presumption of his dropping in on her completely unannounced, dragging along the preternaturality of it all.

Sorry about that clumsy critique! And thank you for a glimpse into the workshop of your creativity, especially about dreams and The Director! I don't tend to have a lot of dreams, but I remember having some really magical ones when I was younger!

Thanks for teaching me the word "noumenal", too! If I ever get into formal philosophy, I'll tell them you sent me!

Posted by 4ofSwords 3 years ago Report

I'd consider a 'darling' to be anything that the writer is aware is a problem (either judging it that way themself, or through the subtle hints of writing partners, editors, adoring fans and the like), but which they just can't bring themselves to change because because of their 'vision' or because of the neat way it ties in later. Darlings are like that really cool piece of knotted walnut that you build into your boat because it just looks so cool, and then you sink. :)

Fortunately, this is a plastic rowboat in a bathtub.

In the only novel I ever finished, I named one of the supporting characters Darling, in part to be self-referential. That is meta-darling behavior, because it didn't work better than any of the rest of the novel did.

That makes number 2 a darling because I know making the opening literally unpleasant to read in order to establish the rest of the story in that context is relatively stupid and will cost me in the dubious currency of views, but it does what I want and it's my story, and at least at this point of the process I'm allowing myself to be too stubborn to reconsider massaging it for the reader's sensibilities instead of my 'vision'.

Number 1 and 3 can be separated because my initial judgment was to do exactly that, and provide aliases to protect the guilty. After all, as fictional as this FourofSwords and Becca are, they're loosely based on real people and dragging some of our habits into the open for titillation factor. I could have just as easily done it with a 'FiveofDiamonds' and a 'Bethany'. True story - my account name was originally going to be FiveofSwords, but the assonance of Four sounded better.

And the critique wasn't clumsy at all. Once again, for emphasis, it's always appreciated. :)

Posted by Astronommy 3 years ago Report

Thank you, for emphasis, for emphasis!

My understanding of the darling category seems to have become more or less comprehensive over this exchange. The walnut analogy is beautiful, but I still have doubts about whether it's that as big a problem as the ubiquity of that advice would suggest, or if it's a sort of a writers' superstition, one more ritual for beseeching the divine algorithms of fame to appear rational, predictable and controllable.

But then, I really ought to be quiet about it until I've waded those waters.

The British comedy series "Blackadder" had a character named Captain Darling, although I don't think the writers were referring to King or Faulkner.

Thank you for sharing the secrets behind your personal witness protection program! It's still very brave and sincere take on the casting choices for the story.

Oh, and four swords are easier to align on a sigil with a square frame than five!

I've had an idea for story that would follow the genre's convention long enough for the reader to lock onto the apparent tone and direction of the story, and then have the characters gradually break into a mild meta discussion of their roles, the reader expectation and the genre as a whole, in the vein of actors chatting in the dressing room, while still remaining grounded in the story's setting (like Becca's remark about whom the line "I'm starving!" fits better in the context of the characters' shared interests and current circumstance). I don't think toying with audience expectations is that big a crime, as long as the goal isn't pure shock for edginess' sake.

Also, the readers nowadays appreciate authenticity, to the point where cynically simulating a minor, relatable flaw in your public persona or your writing style may garner you better returns than slavish adherence to the Swan Of Avon's Greater Grimoire of Gwriting Guidelines.