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Well, hey there, I assume that by now you might know that I upload something and then disappear for a month right? I want to apologize for that, it didn't used to be like that but as years went on it seemed to get worse and worse. What's going on, you ask? Sincerely I don't know, but I think I can address it.
You know me, I got my fair share of degeneracy and fetishes that's almost what I'm known for, but I've always been more than that:
This year hasn't been very kind with me ever since I got my sickness, my motivation has been on an all time low and sincerely I'm a trainwreck but I want to get up from this lingering fire, I've grown to have the "Man up" mentality since I was a kid assuming that my issues were nothing compared to everyone else's, which made me question all the time if what I had were even issues to begin with, which lead me to just deal with it even if it was a pain to me. Which meant being containing all my issues so I could move on and be the best version everyone expected me to be, whether it was healthy or not was beyond me, I just kept thinking "Walk it off" so I could reach a level of perfection and serenity that I was demanded all the time.
Nobody is perfect, but my life lead me to believe that I'm not even decent at anything, but when I wanted to vent to myself I even put my own against me "Man up, don't whine about stuff like that, that's life" Nobody had the idea that I probably needed some help back then, they labelled all my deficient behaviours as lazyness or lack of attention, which lead me to believe everything was truly my fault and made me beat myself to do better when my self just couldn't do it, It's this blindness that has been built since I was born that gives me faulty visions of myself despite what everyone thinks of me, I try to be the best person I can be, as that's the least I can do for considering my being as incompetent no matter how hard I try or focus.
People say such things as "Don't give up" "Follow your dreams" "You can do it" it beings to hurt when the universe proves You Can't. There has been even times where I hate how I draw, where I question my knowledge on the art field because I can't get something to look right, something I do doesn't look as attractive, etc etc.
It's going off rails but I'll get back to the point: I've grown to not trust myself, to not help myself and just beat the machine hoping it does something right, and when it does, hope it does something better than the last did. I have this mentality that failure is all on me and asking for help on it is hypocrisy as it's making someone deal with my issues, that's why I don't vent, I don't ask for help, I blame myself, I demand myself, I put the goals to the highest because I want to be something, until now that is. The crack on the shell finally happened, and while it's nothing major, it was concerning. No I would NEVER hurt others or myself physically "I don't want to put this pain on other people" that's what I always say.
No sugar coating, my luck is absolute garbage, it has never been on my side and when it is, it's a huge Monkey's Paw. I've been containing all this negative auras and feelings for so long so nobody could see me explode with them, a build up of events and stress of my everyday life made the spark and so I was there, gave a scare to my family and now I don't know how to feel, I hit a new bottom in my life, I've been desperate for so long but I hid it because in the end, I feel it's nobody's business.
In a life where College demands a lot of attention, a home that sincerely does not function as a workspace, my ADHD takes a big villain role here, there's SO MANY things I want to do, things I want to finish but it's just so hard for me to begin on something, continue on something or finish something, there's always something in my mind and it always overwhelms me which leads me to not get anything done, in all honesty I even draw stuff for my own, things that I genuinely enjoy but I don't post them in fear of people "Oh, so you're not working on my commission?", and with my mental state, it just makes me feel worse about myself and I constantly feel like I'm disappointing people, if you're waiting for me to continue on a commission, I deeply apologize, but I will get it done, and sometimes I don't even know how to decline commissions, I don't want to upset people, I even forget people who contacted me and I just... It's a mess, alright? I don't mean to be rude, careless or act like I got some high ego, I always keep my head down, I'm not above anybody.
Why did I keep this away from everyone? Because I don't want people to pity me, I might be broken but I would never weaponize my misery, that's just not me. I will appreciate any understanding from all of you, that's all I can ask now, understanding that I'm trying my best on the ciscumstances I am now, will I get better? Hope dies last, I will get better, but for now I just have to hang on to my nails and pull through, because if I don't take hold on this, without sugar coating it, I could die from it. Mental health is important, and yes I'll seek some professional help, I'll reach a therapist and hope to improve from there.
I refuse to take a break from art and internet in general, they are the few things that help me get some joy in these awful times, specially art. I will focus on myself more, if I get delayed on your commission, or I just don't get any updates, bear with me, okay? If you can't wait for me or you just want to get someone else to do it, you can take me out of account with no problem, just don't be upset at me, return some other time if you will, I think the least I need right now is someone holding negativity against me.
I'm not the best, but I'm trying my best.
Thank you for reading.
You may ask, why did I upload this with a picture and not just put it in a journal? Image posts get seen by more people, and I believe this is something people should know about before thinking I'm just lazy or careless.
Posted by NimaZOkami 2 years ago Report
Hey man! You're art is great and masterpieces take time. Focus on yourself all you need and just relax!
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Posted by ThatBrassyGuy 2 years ago Report
You're a good, cool and competent artist. I habven't spoken to you much but the little conversation we have had makes you seem like a pretty damn stand-up guy.
ADHD is an absolute bitch; I've got it and getting caught in a cycle of doomscrolling/endlessly wandering off task is just *pain.*
I'm on Discord; we have contact already. If you need somebody to talk to I'm there and here to reach out to.
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Posted by lolgothitbythesquid 2 years ago Report
These feelings are something I understand completely. I've had a bit of a meltdown myself after enduring just something a little too much after going through everything throughout life without a sweat. It's.. not a pleasant feeling and a lot of the time it probably would make you collapse onto a bed out of physical or mental exhaustion.
It's unfortunate to hear that this is something you're going through too. Hopefully these smaller, personal pieces to keep your own wellbeing work out fine, and that this is a slump that can be overcome.
It's hard. But it seems like you've folks who believe in you.
Take care.
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Posted by Siorche 2 years ago Report
Hope you feel better soon-
And it's not a sin to draw personal art for yourself.
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Posted by RG9812 2 years ago Report
Your a good artist man I say take time to yourself and relax do thing you want to do and try to find something that make ya feel chill.
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Posted by RockCityGal 2 years ago Report
I’m not the best with comforting stuff, but mental health and contentment is very important, and you matter! Don’t be afraid to have ‘you time’ and just focus on yourself <3
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Posted by EnderTG 2 years ago Report
Don't know what good a random internet stranger's words are but for what it's worth considering the quality you put into your work I don't think anyone has the right to call you lazy or careless, especially when it comes to art related matters such as commissions.
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Posted by Dunno987 2 years ago Report
Hey Remn I'm not even gonna try and act like ive been through what you've been dealing with. I haven't, but, i do understand that things are hard and i think we all understand that we know your not "being lazy" as you say for you are a busy man and can't tackle everything that you want to but thats alright you know? Keep at your own pace to stay happy. (I hope i made some sense I literally had 3 hours of sleep so bear with me lol)
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Posted by Dunno987 2 years ago Report
Also its great to hear from you bro
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Posted by HangryDemon 2 years ago Report
I might not know you, but I just want you to know that you shouldn't feel much pressure.
I do hope things get better soon and that you'll be in higher spirits soon!
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Posted by DoctorLucy 2 years ago Report
We are raised like we were born a machine, yet you can't tell a machine to fix itself- it always needs help. If this machine never notified anyone of a fault- it would stop working.
And here we are, machines of different nature yet still unable to work but presented with the same solution.
It's about time we asked for someone to help.
I'm proud you spoke up.
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Posted by 007siren 2 years ago Report
I don't really know what to say but I want to say something to make it known that I personally want you to take care of yourself ❤️ your art is great and I hope to commission you someday, but like you said; you could die from this, that means we wouldn't be able to see your art or talk with you ever again... Take priority in taking care of your mental health, do whatever makes you happy ❤️ as someone who also suffers from mental health, I still admit I probably don't have it worse than most people, but I still want to help those who I can in anyway I know how to ❤️ so take care of yourself first and foremost!
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Posted by Greenriot02 2 years ago Report
Um hey this is my first time commenting so bare with me lol but i hope things get better for you and its probably not the same but i kind of have the same problem so its understandable and i may not have adhd or i may have it i dont know everyone saying i do but don't and it gets confusing so i dont know what to believe anymore on that page ????, but as i said i hope things get better for you and...sorry if it seems im pitying you i try not to do it so much and...well your art is amazing e-even though my perspective on art never allows me to see any flaws sadly but yea and dont worry im sure luck will come around maybe not now or maybe later on but it will come so dont think about it so it will be a delightful surprise whenever it happens have a good day ????
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Posted by Greenriot02 2 years ago Report
Sorry didnt mean for the question marks they were emojis i think thats what they're called the first bunch was a confused and concerned emoji while the last one was a smile :) sorry for the confusion if it caused sone ;-;
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Posted by VampireBunny 2 years ago Report
I know how you feel about art, but you have to remember that it's a pyramid. When you feel like that, take some precious time to go browse the art of people who are trying just like you, but they are obviously... not even close. It's easy to look up and compare yourself to the top of the pyramid, but there's a whole lot more peasants who can't figure out how to make it look smooth below you. Like me.
It's a matter of perspective, you can't just look up, you gotta look both ways so you don't just see your flaws but your amazing strengths too. You really are incredibly talented compared to me
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