Chapter 7:
When at deer park I was out of money and couldn't afford to stay there. I climbed up
the hill path to a white buddah statue and bowed before it, it just felt like the right thing to do.
Then two people showed up behind me, John and Christian. They brought me back down to the office and payed for me to stay for a while.
After meeting another one of their friends, Jeff, I told them about the troublees I experienced in 2012 and 2013 and all three gave me a hug simultaniously, I had never felt such warmth before in my heart, it was very faint but it felt a little bit like ice melting.
After staying there for a week, I left and contacted Christain over email, telling him how I felt about my life (that I was able to remember so far) he took my at present suicidal idiation as intent but it hadn't reached that point yet, so he decided to invite me back to
Deer Park. After staying there around another 2 weeks or less I was sent off on my own again.
I bought some bannanas with the ssi money I had after it had refreshed. I had never bought food at the store before, I was
surprised at how cheap they were. I found listening to Illya Leonov at night to be an excellent substitute for the heavy HEAVY
medication I was on back in 2012. I briefly met with a man I know now isn't my grandpa but we played chess at a cabin
up in the mountains that he owned. He was pretty spry for an old guy, we walked up the mountain grass and the trees around
us were sort of twisted dark and forboding. Ultimately I ended up leaving the Escondido/Los Angeles area and drove north after seeing an old guy cry in a starbucks sitting right across from me. He looked like he had just lost it all or something, I could relate, but I didn't
know how deeply just yet. I ended up in a desert town called Lancaster, CA. I met with a woman there to see if she'd give me a room to let.
That was after briefly almost getting pulled into a pyrimid scheme scam around the San Marcos area. As soon as I got to Lancaster and entered that empty room after parking my van for the first time, I felt... Like everything was going to be ok. I was wrong of course. After
being pampered and having everything taken care of for me by simona, I found myself in a similar relationship with this land lady.
She didn't even give me a key for the door so I could get to my room anytime, that's nitpicking though, I was still dealing with trauma
that I didn't even know where it was coming from for sure, and the landlady said something like "art won't save you" or "art won't set you free" when I opened up to her. That's when I started my final suicide plan, I was going to wait until she was at the store,
park my van inside her garage, turn the key after closing the garage, and just waiting. But before I did that I wanted to walk through
nature one last time, so I drove to a mountain trail south of Lancaster, and started walking down the mountain trail, as soon as I reached the bottom there was a drainpipe, I was curious where it lead so I kept going. After climbing down some rocks at the end of the drainpipe
I looked up in fear and thought I might not be able to make it back up, simultaniously I got the feeling that if I killed myself
I wouldn't be able to make it back up either. So I strained my arm really hard and was able to grab onto and hold that next rock above me
and climb back up. I went to an In n' Out Burger after that experience and it was the best fucking burger I'd ever tasted.
After much contemplation I made an article detailing my spiritual experience mostly to get my thoughts down between practicing
art, occasionally gaming, and driving around in my van. I gave myself the name Flynnrenning online out of self love because
the name Steven Strumpf was associated with too much pain and failure. Steven Strumpf couldn't do anything right, but Flynn Renning could draw. After having a fight about nothing, since that's how narcissisticaly abusive relationships work, I ended up moving out of that small
room and going back to sleep in my van down south. I figured out she actually owed me 500$ and I was angry at being ripped off so
I drove back up north and banged on her door. She never did answer, she was a deadbeat AND a coward. Wouldn't even start growing her garden she said she was going to grow in the back. After driving back down south I started spending my days in starbucks between Oceanside and Escondido and my nights in my van on street side wherever parking was available and I could blend in as well. I played videogames, listened to music, it being California sometimes I'd even open up the sidedoor and gaze up at the stars. I also masturbated to sexy art in the dark there, and publicly in Starbucks too, again, to art. I don't masturbate the way normal people do, I can do so without using my hands. I hadn't fully noticedit yet but ever since leaving the scary apartment david had made for me back in 2014 I had just naturally
stopped masturbating to real life snake vore videos, where creatures are actually being hurt and moved entirely to art.
Later in 2015 I read some of my favorite stories on Fimfiction. There was Stardust, where Twilight was trapped on earth while
it was being invaded by aliens, Hard Reset, where Twilight had to die over and over again until finally succeeding in breaking out of a timeloop to stop a changling invasion, and probably my favorite, Then Tomarrow Came, a romance where Twilight is in love with Rainbow Dash, but Dash doesn't love her in return. I digitally painted a hard vore pic of one of my ocs crunching Applebloom in half while listening to a 10 hour loop of Oath to Order from Majoras Mask. It was the only picture I ever made to get a like by a vore artist I admired (at the time) ponythroat.