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CollegeHumor Cuisine
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“This is you.”
 
A rather lithe girl with black hair and green eyes (Emily Axford) smiles and waves at the camera.
 
“These are your coworkers.”
 
An assortment of women, ranging in size, shape and color wave to the camera, some licking their lips in hunger as they do so.
 
Emily returns the wave, a nervous look present on her face as she does so.
 
“And these are the thirteen coworkers you will meet whilst working in an office.”
 
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Chapter 2: The Drunk (Lily Du)
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“While most people consider drinking something of an American pastime, there’s a certain kind of coworker who views it almost as though it were a professional sport.”
 
Emily’s working session on her laptop was momentarily interrupted when a loud belch exploded from behind her, showering both her laptop and the back of her head with spittle, bits of bone and a few indistinguishable pieces of what used to be regular food.
 
“Hey, Lily…”, Emily said without looking.
 
“Rain or shine, day or night, the drunk at your workplace will ALWAYS find a reason and drink far more than what should be acceptable at ANY place, much less an office.”
 
Instead of replying to her friend’s greeting like a normal person, the human bar drain that was Lily Du ran her tongue across her teeth before leaning her head back and downing another quarter of today's drink of choice from its bottle, pressing her stomach against the back of her friend's head as she did so.
 
“As a result of this reckless behavior, the drunk will often find themselves exhibiting a certain number of distinctive qualities that make them utter HELL to be around, with or without the company of drinks, namely forgetting to clean both their workplace along with themselves…”
 
While Emily had certainly gotten used to the drunken antics of the Chinese-American glutton leading to some unwanted contact here and there, the thick layer of "ick" that oozed out from underneath the fabric of Lily's dress and melded against her hair was still taking some getting used to.
 
“Hey, not to be rude, Lily, but could you just, like, take a step back?”, she said shyly before the smell of day-old alcohol finally reached her nose.
“Getting kinda… hard to breathe right now…”
 
The longer Lily stood behind her, the longer the smell of a bar felt like it was wrapping completely around her brain; even the sound of a foul burp being muffled by the bottle pressed against Lily's lips made Emily feel ready to vomit.
 
Lily, for her part, was completely indifferent.
 
"Hmm? Oh, sorry; I wasn't listening.", the drunk said bluntly before waving her bottle back-and-forth above Emily's head.
“Did you want some?”
 
“I'm fine...", Emily groaned as her eyes honed in on a single drop of filth-infused sweat dripping down the bridge of her nose.
"Thanks."
 
"Alright.", Lily said with a nod before taking another drink and turning away.
 
“And farts so unbelievably terrible, you’d think they were banned by the Geneva Convention.”
 
Emily barely had time to free herself from the frozen position she'd been in with Lily at her back before
 
“You have also never seen more clothes come out of a woman’s mouth before, but that was mostly just an afterthought.”
 
Lily covered her mouth before doubling over with a loud belch directly into a trash can besides her desk, Emily’s eyes widening as three mismatched high heels and a sopping wet cocktail dress came sputtering out from between the Asian girl’s teeth.
 
The pred offered shockingly little comment as she groggily sat back up and poured herself another glass of rosé before downing it in one gulp and continuing to drink from the bottle.
 
“Yes, it seems as though some coworkers are an absolute mess both inside AND out, and while it would be best to keep calm and carry on whenever you interact with them, sometimes the mess can’t help but mess with you.”
 
“Hey…”, Lily said with her usual drunken slur as Emily tried walking past her desk.
“Can you check on my a- *EURP* -ass for a little bit? I’m kinda feeling a little STUCK, if you know what I mean, hehe…”
 
“Uh…”, Emily said back in hesitation.
“I hate to put it to you Lily, but I REALLY don’t think that’s necessary-“
 
Despite Emily’s obvious caution, her protest was cut off mid-sentence by Lily grabbing her by the side of the face and planting her head right up against her fat cheeks with an audible-
 
*SQUISH*
 
-the foul stench of the alcohol-tinged gas combined with the rancid sweat coating the Asian girl’s ass making Emily gag at the sensation of being so close to it.
 
“Aw, come on, Em! It’s just a pe- *URP* -peek!”, Lily said with another belch.
“What’s the worst that could happen?”
 
Before Emily could raise her voice in protest, Lily pushed her victim’s face even harder against her ass until she finally made some significant progress in “fixing her problem”, ripping right through her thin green dress and planting Emily’s head firmly within the wet, hot confines of her intestines.
 
The soon-to-be butt snack gripped both sides of Lily’s hips as she attempted to pull herself free, only to find any grip she could get on the drunkard’s hindquarters be felled by Lily herself, who simply grabbed Emily’s arms by the wrist and shoved them into her colon as well, only hastening the rate at which she descended between her co-worker’s gelatinous ass cheeks.
 
“Y’know, you really should get licensed in this stuff!”, Lily said with another swig of her bottle.
“Feeling a whole lot better going up there than my freaking DENTIST did last week, heh ha!”
 
Emily only kicked and screamed in response to her now becoming waist deep in her former friend’s intestines, her legs flailing about in the air before they were slurped up like spaghetti noodles into Lily’s body with a sickening *SHLICK*.
 
Within seconds of finishing her prey, Lily wrapped her fingers around the nearest desk and clenched as a rank green fart erupted from her ass with the strength of a geyser, instantly filling the room behind her with a hellish haze that caused the paint on the walls to peel after only a few seconds of exposure.
 
While one might have expected Emily to come barreling out of the predator’s butt with such an explosion, only shredded bits of the prey girl’s clothing being blown about in the wind were the only sign that anything human had gone up Lily’s ass within the last few seconds.
 
As if to emphasize the casual nature in which Lily dealt it out, the otherworldly blast lasted only a few seconds, its height of power being capped off by a few smaller farts that sent both of Emily’s shoes flying out of Lily’s ass and tumbling onto the floor with little fanfare.
 
“Whew! Oh, thank you, Em- Emmy? Em-i-ly? Ah, it doesn’t matter!”, Lily exclaimed before swiping her bottle from the desk and continuing to drink.
“Oh, I needed that…”
 
“On second thought, maybe they ought have an intervention one of these days.”
 
At that, Lily waltzed off as best she could under the influence, flies already beginning to gather around the office as her newly fattened ass jiggled with every step she took in her drunken stupor.
 
She scratched her stomach with her off-hand, ripping a hole right through her cheap dress that immediately patched itself back up again with fat that'd been begging for release since she'd put the outfit on that morning.
 
As bad as that tear might've been, the fact that the dress hadn't been torn into pieces from the farts steadily burning a hole in the back was a miracle to just about everybody except Lily, who, of course, was just concerned about grabbing a bite to eat at the moment.
 
All this drinking was making her hungry as hell.