Posted by Bitter 15 years ago Report

Your grammar has vastly improved since you first started writing. There are still some errors here and there, but you're getting better. Keep working at it.

Posted by Entity 15 years ago Report

Thanks, good to know something has improved. I didn't think anyone would really like this story considering it was written in an hour XD

Posted by Bitter 15 years ago Report

What can I say? I'm a sucker for elves. XP

Posted by Entity 15 years ago Report

I'm a sucker for mermaids XD
And Elves as well actually......
Actually anything fantasy has me hooked...

Posted by SkyLark 15 years ago Report

Gosh, what a well written short. If only I could encourage you to write more of them...

Posted by Entity 15 years ago Report

I'll see what i can do...

Posted by Svartvinge 15 years ago Report

somehow i missed this story, and it kinda came as a suprise to see that you used my work as inspiration, and a well writen one aswell^^

but the way around it kinda worked as inspiration to do more mermaid works ^^

Posted by Entity 15 years ago Report

Any work from you is an inspiration XD

Posted by Svartvinge 15 years ago Report

heh, awesome ^^

Posted by Russkaya 14 years ago Report

To start, I don't normally comment on things because I can't be bothered, but I felt that I should here. I like your writing and I can see that you definitely have a potential to write well, right now you have one big, glaring problem aside from little grammatical errors.

I call it unnecessary description, because that's what it is (see what I did there?). It's a common mistake in young writers that are still in or out of little boy school. Teachers like to nail it home that 'lots and lots of description is good!', but that's wrong. While you certainly want to describe the scene, show and not tell, you don't have to give every single person, place, or thing (nouns) an adjective. We don't need to know that the oars are identical, because we assume they are. We don't need to know that the sun is orange because we assume that is the color it is. If something can be fairly assumed, it is repetitive to describe it to us. For instance, you described the fishing pole, which is a bit superfluous but gives us insight into our elven protagonist. That's good. You tell us that she's there to fish. But to go back and say that because she wants to fish she has this pole that's 'in her hands', that's all extra. We all know that fishing requires a rod. We also know, from earlier, that the rod is grasped in her hands. Reading over those type of things again makes us feel like we're hitting a speed bump. In the future, you don't need to preface everything by a color or material unless it's truly a sensory detail that puts us there. And even then, if you've painted the image enough, you can stop coloring it! Especially in a vore story, the readers are not interested in lots and lots of extra detail in mundane things like poles and boats.

Again, I normally don't post criticism, be it constructive or short, but I felt that you could benefit from this direction because I can see the glimmer of talent here.

Posted by Entity 14 years ago Report

In all honesty i'd prefer a comment which criticises my work rather than one which simply says nice job. How else am i supposed to prove?,thanks for the comment and yes when I was in school my teacher did say the more detail the better ;)

No one's perfect but with practice perhaps.....

Posted by Russkaya 14 years ago Report

That's the spirit! I realize this is a bit of an old work, but your newer stuff has the same problem. Just tone down all the extra detail. Writing needs to flow naturally. Remember, detail is good. Too much detail is murder!

Posted by Entity 14 years ago Report

Well i'm revamping some of my older stories so i'll cut down on the detail and add more useful information instead. XD