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UPDATE: November 26, 2012
I'm starting get my mind back into this series, and I decided to fix this chapter up a little bit. There's quite a few changes here.
This story contains unwilling M/M and M/F soft vore, with a little bit of digestion (not too graphic though).
This story takes place in the city of Lylend. In this mostly corrupt city, only the strong survive. People (both humans and anthromorphic-beings) use trickery, magic, strength, or their wit keep themselves away from the bottom of the food chain.
The city is pretty high-tech, being built with future technology and the recently discovered magic. Some of those who were once prey now find new found strengths to survive.
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This is my first vore story. Let me know what you think, good or bad. Even a few words can encourage me, help me improve, and I will try my best to reply to each one.
Edit: I have gone through and proof read this, and even added a tiny bit more to the story (specifically, the digestion. It's still not very graphic though). If you find any other errors, let me know. :)
I'd like to say thanks to all of those who have left me comments and also those who will leave comments. It helps me more than you know! :D
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Posted by ichbinich 13 years ago Report
Not bad for your fist vore stoy. It needs some serious proof reading though. There are a couple of little mistakes that make it hard to understand what exactly is going on. Other than that, I wouldn't mind reading more about this world. :3
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Thanks. :)
I'm working on some edits for this right now, actually... And I'm laughing my ass off over some of these errors, because I'm usually a lot better with grammar and the proper usage of words. Oh, the costs of writing late at night! ^^
Defiantly expect to see more from this world again though! I'll be writing it as soon as RL permits, and I promise to proof-read BEFORE posting it next time. xD
Posted by sharky 13 years ago Report
oh.. NICE Hope there is a part two
Sharky
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Thanks! I'll definitely start working on chapter II soon. ^^
Posted by Fischie 13 years ago Report
I hope the shark thing will appear again
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Of course! :3
Posted by Fischie 13 years ago Report
Then I can't wait for more^^
Posted by Fischie 13 years ago Report
Sounds like a decent scenario of a society which openly behaves like ours does behind closed dorrs and on paper.
It would be fun to read more about this, especiually this strange boy and his shark companion.
But: Confusing spelling is confusing. Some proof reading should help.
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Thanks. :)
And yes, Confusing spelling is confusing. X.x
Google Docs has a strange spell check engine apparently, but I'm proofreading as we speak (as I type? xD)
Posted by BigBangTheroy 13 years ago Report
The only problem I can see is the mixup of 'his' and 'her'
It might be me, but you call the fox a boy many different times.
Everything else is great!
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Oh! Thanks for pointing that out!
I was writing this pretty late. I'm definitely going to fix that error very soon!
Posted by BigBangTheroy 13 years ago Report
No problem! Hope to see more story's from you soon ^.^
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
That you shall! ^^
Posted by Hariken 13 years ago Report
With a story like this it's a surprise that more people haven't read it. Well done.
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Thanks! I'm working on the next part now. :)
Posted by SpiceWeasel 13 years ago Report
I know others have brought up the proofreading, but just as a word of advice try to read it to yourself. Aloud would be preferable, but even just reading it mentally is a good way to make sure it flows. I try to do this, and I find I catch all sorts of things I'm not sure I like besides just spelling and grammar.
Still, great job for your first story, can't wait to read more!
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Thanks! :3
For some strange reason, I can't stand reading my own material. I've only done a quick proof read for grammar since it was mentioned. I'll re-read this correctly right now and see if I can fix it up again. :3
I am trying to improve though. Could you point out some places where it didn't flow as well?
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Hmm... I can't seem to make my way to your page to send you a proper thanks for the favorite. It keeps on hitting an error. (which has some epic image in place instead...)
Oh well: Thanks for the fav! :D
Posted by SpiceWeasel 13 years ago Report
Yeah, it's a little weird rereading that stuff, especially after you've just written it ;). I would say take a little time, a day or two, and come back to it.
As for not flowing, for starters there's the part just after Daku's done eating Riz ("Brys was screaming bloody murder..."). I would have maybe condensed that a little, and worded it differently. You probably could have combined the two paragraphs for instance. There's also the one that begins "Her eyes widened" and the one after. That sort of thing just helps it be read a little smoother.
BTW, np for the fav, the gallery was giving me errors too.
Posted by greatwhitegut 13 years ago Report
Thanks. ^^
I'll take your advice and wait until this weekend to actually sit down and read this through. After I'm content with this one, maybe I'll be able to get farther in chapter two, as I'm still trapped in the intro, atm... xD