Uploaded: 10 years ago
Views: 15,344
File size: 16.67 KiB
MIME Type: application/vnd.openxmlformats-officedocument.wordprocessingml.document
Comments: 10
Favorites: 81
Hello! This is a story based off one of my commissions called Milly Makes Kallen à la King by Scaylid00d. (I write better when I have an image to base it off)
I'm mostly doing this to give back to the community and to get back into the hobby of writing things. It has been a long, long, loonngg time since I've wrote anything, so as a disclaimer its going to be bad.... They are loosely based off the characters from Code Gease. By lose I mean appearance only.
Also don't be afraid to comment, I like constructive criticism.
Anywho, Enjoy! :3
*Edit* I did some work to make it flow a little better and fixed some spelling mistakes I didn't see the first time.
Please login to post a comment.
Posted by ChaosGear 10 years ago Report
Ohoho, please continue, I want to see more of this!
Posted by Uri 10 years ago Report
Hopefully if (when) I commission the next peace we will have a follow up. Glad you liked it!
Posted by Scaylid00d 10 years ago Report
I love it! <3 How you describe them, and the personalities they convey are basically what I had in mind when I was drawing them >w<
Kallen's not-so-secret desire to be cooked, her anticipation when being basted and stuffed, and the emphasis on being made into a slab of meat is something I really enjoyed. Milly's almost nonchalant attitude towards cooking her friend is also something I really like ^o^b Hot stuff. Pun intended~!
For some constructive criticism, there are only a few spelling errors, but they're easy to fix :)
Regarding formatting, I feel that adding an Ellipses (3 periods) after an incomplete sentence would read better. Like when Kallen stammers in surprise, but doesn't finish what she wanted to say C: For example:
“But I,”
Since I assume she didn't finish what she may have wanted to say here at the time, I believe this to be the correct way to illustrate it:
“But I...”
Otherwise, you could also use just a few more commas in some sentences, like this one:
"Milly sighed but retrieved a knife and began to cut paying close attention not to injure the meat. As each peace was cut off Kallen shivered with pleasure..."
Breaking longer sentences into chunks like this makes them easier to read:
"Milly sighed, but retrieved a knife and began to cut, paying close attention not to injure the meat. As each piece was cut off, Kallen shivered with pleasure..." (I also corrected "piece" there, since there's a difference:
"peace between nations", and "piece of cake" x3)
Regardless, it was still an enjoyable read, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future \:D/
Posted by Uri 10 years ago Report
Thank you so much, I'm happy you liked it.
And thank you again for the constructive criticism!
Posted by Scaylid00d 10 years ago Report
You're most welcome ^3^/
Posted by Werewolf-Hero 10 years ago Report
I would like to read the rest,
Posted by Badviper 10 years ago Report
I'd love to read a continuation!
Posted by KaiserDunk 10 years ago Report
This is a wonderful set-ip, but we need to find out what Milly's dinner guests think of the 'turkey'!
Posted by porky11 6 years ago Report
Nice how long you wait to reveal, who really is the dinner
Posted by CadetLT 4 years ago Report
I could sure stand to see this story be continued, even if it has been 5 years. :D
Incidentally, I also like the idea of seeing a woman roasted like a beer can chicken, so that might have to work its way into one of my stories eventually. I think you'd have to use something a bit bigger than a beer can to get the full effect, though. ;)