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[CM] The Photographer's Lunch By DoubleOSnake -- Report

Uploaded: 4 years ago

Views: 12,448

File size: 57.62 KiB

MIME Type: application/rtf

Comments: 9

Favorites: 99

A Photographer of a Plus-Sized Modeling company puts three bitchy models in their place in this Full-Length commission written for Puck5. Hope you guys enjoy and remember: Check my Commission tab and drop me a PM if you're interested in having me write something for you!

Edit: So I fixed most of the things mentioned below, but this story will forever be known as the one Snake jumped the gun on. I hope that despite the flaws that still remain, you guys still enjoy. XD

Comment on [CM] The Photographer's Lunch

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Comments
nysmnyd

Posted by nysmnyd 4 years ago Report

There's no paragraphing or clear pause between sections, there's a feeling of rush in the writing, some superfluous detail (like making note of the camera model), a few grammar mistakes (it's an not a before a word starting with a vowel, putting don't twice in a row), it's a part not apart, repeating of words too close together on the same line.

Overall, 6.5/10.

DoubleOSnake

Posted by DoubleOSnake 4 years ago Report

Now that's what I call good criticism! Thanks for the feedback! I'll get to work fixing the mistakes. =D

nysmnyd

Posted by nysmnyd 4 years ago Report

You're welcome.

Draconatedz

Posted by Draconatedz 4 years ago Report

I feel you ended it a bit early, but maybe that's just a preference thing. Like, you could have had her go into work, having people notice her gain, comment on the missing models, her boss offering her a position as a model, provided she keeps doing whatever it is she is to become bigger.

For what's it's worth I still enjoyed the story a lot, though I agree about the paragraphing comment Nysmnyd made, it can make it hard to keep with the flow of the story.

DoubleOSnake

Posted by DoubleOSnake 4 years ago Report

Thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely keep an eye on my paragraphs. =D

As for the ending, that's where the commissioner's outline ended, but its definitely a good way to tie up loose ends. =D

FriedKiller

Posted by FriedKiller 4 years ago Report

It was good like usual, a few grammar errors, but everyone makes those, still a good story in my eyes :)

DoubleOSnake

Posted by DoubleOSnake 4 years ago Report

Glad you liked it. =D

Dolsilyol

Posted by Dolsilyol 4 years ago Report

This? This... Thing.. Is Amazing! I love it! Excellent work! It reads very well, and you have a excellent mixture of taunting and indifference in your predator!

DoubleOSnake

Posted by DoubleOSnake 4 years ago Report

Thanks! Teasing and apathetic preds are two of my favorite things in vore so I try to put them in most of my stories. =D