Posted by Killer8496 8 years ago Report

Where's the picture you used for this?

Posted by ryanshowseason3 8 years ago Report

It's one of the manips linked in the story.

"Hallie wasn't holding her stomach back"

Is the one.

Posted by sandysoxx 8 years ago Report

Great story! This hit all of my favorite kinks. Thanks for sharing your work.

Posted by AegisOfRoses 8 years ago Report

WOW! This story is amazing! I love the casual digestion of such good friends, very nice! If I may say, there's a little too many line skips, try keeping your descriptions longer. Other than that, it's one of the best pieces I've ever seen, especially with the addition of those images!

Posted by ryanshowseason3 8 years ago Report

What do you mean by line skips? Also which descriptions? Characters? Setting? Digestion scenes?

Posted by AegisOfRoses 8 years ago Report

To put it bluntly, and I'm sorry if it seems mean, but you press the enter key far too often. I don't mean it in a rude way, I'm very sorry if I'm coming off that way! I just noticed that you started a new paragraph for almost every sentence, and you definitely didn't water down the story from lack of discription, mostly thanks to how the characters always said something very meaningful! I just saw a lot of blank space, it threw me off at first is all.

Posted by AegisOfRoses 8 years ago Report

Could I ask if you made this on your phone?

Posted by ryanshowseason3 8 years ago Report

Eh some of that might be preference but I do see at least a couple places where consolidation was definitely possible. Mostly though I follow novel writing rules on paragraphs.

When a character speaks you start a new paragraph and it's in poor form to put more than two sentences after speech if more dialog is to follow. Or else the reader loses track of what was just being said.

Description and narrations start a new paragraph.

Changing the subject of description or scene starts a new paragraph.

To make for dramatic effect you might start a new paragraph. Works better with italics to lead as well. I think this is where you'd dock me though...

“Well that too of course but at least a free session is a nice gesture if I might end up gurgling you by the end of it right?” Hallie asked jokingly. Jane rolled her eyes in response.

I would instead and did write it like this:

“Well that too of course but at least a free session is a nice gesture if I might end up gurgling you by the end of it right?” Hallie asked jokingly.


Jane rolled her eyes.

Moving that line down makes you process it separately than the speech before it. Gives it more dramatic effect. It's a very simple pause but somehow means something different to me.

These are pretty common rules though. http://www.editing-writing.com/start-paragraph-fiction/

I wrote this on a laptop though actually albeit in small stretches of free time.

To be entirely honest though I left high school completely unable to write in a coherent matter. I only learned real grammar rules in college after teaching myself about 10 years ago. I may follow rules a bit too rigidly and start new paragraphs at the slightest hint of subject change. I may need to be more mindful of it.

Posted by AegisOfRoses 8 years ago Report

Don't worry at all, I just find having lots of space in between description a little distracting, and I know other people with the same problem. A good way to solve this is to do what professional witters are fond of, creating a new tab but not fully separating the two paragraphs. Just place a small indentation, pressing the tab key, and it makes a divit to signify a new paragraph, while not crating many blank white spaces. I appreciate you explaining your thought process, and don't at all mean to impose you change your style, I just wished to give a small input as a fellow writer! Sorry if I made it seem like I thought you were making a big mistake, I assure you it does have a small bit of preference!