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A mother guides her daughter to be be all that she was meant to be.
Came up with this idea yesterday and started writing it but didn't like the direction I took it in. After toying with it for a day I realized what I didn't like about it and re-wrote it. This one flowed MUCH better.
I've found that I'm not very interested in writing sex scenes at all if there's no vore going on, it's weird. I used to be pretty good at it in RPs and such but I guess that flame's burned out. Oh well.
As always let me know what you guys think, I still don't edit much so this was edited on the fly. I think it's pretty complete, judging that I wrote this all in one sitting. 3200 words in about 1.5hrs. Not bad.
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Posted by Higaide 6 years ago Report
God damn. As a big fan of incest, cruel preds, and wastefulness in cock vore, this story hit all the right notes for me. The fact that Mallory wouldn't even lick the last drop off her finger at the end was an amazing touch. Nice work! :D
Posted by Slimshod 6 years ago Report
Thank you! This was the first time I really got into "waste of life" so I'm very happy it worked out to your liking. That last bit with the tease was something I came up with on the fly too!
If you haven't heard of them before, Blessedwasthechild heavily inspired me in regards to kinks involved in this story. Check em out if you liked what you read here!
Posted by Higaide 6 years ago Report
I'll be sure to check them out. And reading it again I just realized that Mallory didn't even keep her promise to tell the other mom that Sabrina loved her XD
And i gotta admit, i was half expecting it to turn out that the other mom had already been digested by Mallory, but her being a breeding slave who gets off on her daughter's death is much hotter.
Posted by blessedwasthechild 6 years ago Report
It gets stronger and stronger the longer it goes, there are some implications here off-screen I really like. I can't imagine getting a story this short, I can't do it. I don't come across works with such immediate writing often on this site :o
You stayed really consistent on active voice and the correct tense!
I don't want to be "that person" but in my understanding a lot of people feel uncomfortable with "ebony" being used as a skin description, not because it wouldn't be accurate for some ladies, but because the porn industry kidnapped the word. I personally don't think its a problem, but, whenever I try to describe skin-color, I'll try to use multiple words instead of trying to find exactly one zinger word, or do both and elaborate. Anything to make it clear the skin color, especially via the word, isn't being fetishized.
Which is odd coming from a person who totally fetishizes fur for days >.> damn furry I am.
My favorite line was "Her place was in the balls of the woman that had brought her into the world, and she’d go out as she came in: as an orgasm."
I completely agree on sex stuff, I can't rp or write pure sex anymore, it has to have vore in it! But the fact you did both at once was delightful, I've never seen analingus during cock-vore before, I might have to steal that!
Ung her feet digesting before she's even fully in the nut-sac really got to me >.< murr
And one last bit of criticism, I feel like Sabrina's ambivalence and changes of heart need a little more fleshing out, either spiking harder at the end with a little more foreshadowing earlier, or peppering her mental flip-flops more throughout. Finding a way to do this without violating show-don't-tell is so hard that sometimes I could just scream, I'll struggle on a single paragraph cuz of it, its not easy :O You still did great and I was satisfied by the story <3
What else can I say... hmmm... oh! I love the toilet disposal and hint of other daughters being used up a lot! Too bad I can't post new stories cuz there are two stories I wrote since the ban that I think you'd appreciate, given what I read here.
Oh one last thing. Sabrina is a name that for its Celtic origins may possibly be traced to a girl who was ordered to be drowned in a river by her mother Gwendolyn by order of a king. Did you do that on purpose? :O That's really clever if you did! I might have to use that, cuz the sort of occult connotation excites me as much as the vore itself~
Posted by Slimshod 6 years ago Report
First of all, thank you so much for the feedback! You're one of the writers I look to for inspiration and guidance so this is very much appreciated.
This story was well on its way to being much bigger, actually. It's why I stopped myself and started over, because I realized I didn't want it to be super long or very detailed. It was all about the abrupt feeling of "ok this is happening now, don't question it." I'm also still practicing with my level of detail so it was nice to let it rest and work on the foundation for a bit.
Thank you for noticing! My creative writing professor in college pointed out that tenses are one of the hardest things to nail so it stuck with me. I'm always double checking the proper tense of things.
Regarding skin color, you're absolutely right, it's a totally fetishized word/descriptor but that's exactly what I wanted. It matched the very "in your face" details and sequence of events that I was going for. Unless I want to take that tone for creative purposes I tend to give skin color a gloss over. "Lunch Break" in my gallery is a perfect example of me taking the time to pay proper attention to it. And fur is...more imaginary than people so it's easier to escape into that realm of thinking.
I'm really glad you picked out that line as it just felt so NATURAL writing it. It felt perfect on its way out (as I'm sure Sabrina did heh).
Yaaaa sex stuff is just boring I guess, unless there's some ulterior motive involved. Haha! Go for it yo! I love including butt-play and I don't think enough writers are willing to explore it b/c of the scat association. Hope to see more from you!
The feet thing you have ryanshowseason3 and Mr. Photon to thank for that. Reading that kind of thing really punctuates the fate of a prey. Very happy it worked for you in this story.
Regarding Sabrina's change of heart, yes, I completely agree. I didn't add nearly enough detail in there to make it seem convincing enough, especially not after she accepted her fate. I knew that while I was writing it but the moment didn't call for going back and adding detail so I ran with it. Definitely something I'll keep in mind for future concepts, thank you.
I'm on Discord if you have one of those. We can chat there and share stories if you'd like. I miss the ones you had up in your gallery before the purge. Send me a message and we can exchange contacts.
Haha! That's super cool to find out about Sabrina's name. I really had no idea there was a piece of lore like that, that's pretty awesome. Thank you for sharing that tidbit. I do have characters in my gallery that have more thought put into their names though.
Posted by porky11 6 years ago Report
Please don't readd tags in the beginning of the story. I don't want to be spoiled.
If someone wants to know, what he can expect, he should either look in the description or in the tags. That's what they are for, I assume.
Posted by Slimshod 6 years ago Report
Yes, I agree, tags on the page should be looked at if you really want to know but sometimes they aren't always accurate. I personally like them at the beginning bc I can see what's going to be in the story via the scrolling thumbnail.
Posted by Kelly 6 years ago Report
Oh my amazing story ! Really enjoyed it !
Posted by Slimshod 6 years ago Report
Thank you! I can't believe how much support this has gotten considering it was a quick write and not all too developed when I first started.
Posted by Kelly 6 years ago Report
I think some themse just run very well with parts of the community !
Posted by MagmaTitan 4 years ago Report
You know what would be amazing? A sequel to this where Mallory's wife finally loses what made her worth keeping - maybe her womb is worked to exhaustion - and her presently-living daughter is "promoted" to the new mommy, while the old one gets wasted in the same way all her daughters were.
Posted by Slimshod 4 years ago Report
That would certainly make a good sequel, ya. I doubt it will happen though as this one felt fairly complete after I finished it. We'll see if I pick it up again. My writing habits are incredibly sporadic.