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A young University student reveals the plight of the 20 odd something woman living in an RA's world.
Let me know what you think down below! Love to hear your comments, criticisms, and hear what you liked.
Would you have done anything different? let me know, advice is always appreciated :)
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Posted by bringonthelulz 5 years ago Report
All exposition, no substance, no payoff. Zero stars.
Posted by stuffedbellygirl 5 years ago Report
All Exposition, I'd call it world building, theres plenty of substance (eg belly and vore stuff) and the payoff is the potential of a nother story.
Zero stars on your comment my friend :D
Posted by franciscofranco 5 years ago Report
Thats a fair point. Personally I really like exposition, and this was to serve as the first in a series involving this girl. But you bring up a good point that Thats not really made clear within text.
Posted by bringonthelulz 5 years ago Report
Show, don't tell. First rule of writing.
Posted by QQQQQ 5 years ago Report
I don’t think that phrase means what you think it means.
Posted by ryanshowseason3 5 years ago Report
It applies exactly to this situation actually. You're quite incorrect.
The author tells us she scattered junk food around her bed to throw the trail off her weight gain. It's explicitly told to the reader. Instead that determination can be left to the reader through inference and describing the wrappers strewn everywhere meanwhile she just throws out the candy contained. That would be showing and not just telling.
Another thing that is a bit off the other is that it builds up a flashback and the reader expects there to be events after that recollection is done. For it to matter for future events. Almost all of literature and entertainment has events that occur after the flashback is over. This just drops right after that is done.
The concept of an entire narrative being a flashback also robs the narrative of any suspense that the protagonist survives. She has to in order for there to be a flashback where she's moving out.
All that said I certainly enjoyed the contents. It was entertaining. I wouldn't go 0 stars. It was competent writing and the characters are well thought out.
Criticism is a good thing. People don't criticize things they aren't interested in. I liked this enough to put my 2 cents in. Which is more than I can say for the vast majority of stories I read.
Posted by QQQQQ 5 years ago Report
You’re right about the wrappers, I must give you that. But I really don’t think the story violates the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule that much.
Posted by ryanshowseason3 5 years ago Report
It's all over the place actually. literally it starts in the second paragraph: For her freshman year, Olivia had an easy time getting a cheap dorm as one of her high school friends happened to be an RA in need of a roommate. Thinking she had been lucky, Olivia didn’t even bother to look around for another option thinking the discounted room price and living with a friend was the ideal scenario.
This could have been done with a conversation.
"Where will you live?"
"I got a lead with a friend from high school, it'll be safer with someone I know and cheaper too"
"Good thinking sweetie"
Instead it's explicitly stated by an entity outside the characters.
The story is almost entirely exposition from third person omniscient perspective. You're very incorrect.
I still enjoyed it but the point about show don't tell couldn't be any more on the mark. It's a valid criticism. But we all start somewhere. Im sort of glad my early stuff was digitally lost when a certain site got purged. Mine was nowhere near as good as this is at my start.
Posted by stuffedbellygirl 5 years ago Report
Love the world you set up in this story, definitely one i wouldn't mind living in! Some great description of how Olivia tried to hid her vore belly (love that stuff). I dont have any criticisms pretty perfect in my opinion!
Keep up the great work
Posted by franciscofranco 5 years ago Report
Thank you! I'm looking to reuse this world quite a lot so you have that to look forward too. :)
Posted by stuffedbellygirl 5 years ago Report
:D
Posted by BardicLasher 5 years ago Report
This feels... incomplete. There's a lot of good stuff in here but it feels like it should be going somewhere it just never gets to.
Posted by AllRightAllNight 5 years ago Report
I like the framing on this, with all the short little flashback anecdotes. It's a bit unusual but I think you pulled it off well.