Uploaded: 4 years ago
Views: 4,260
File size: 40.00 KiB
MIME Type: application/msword
Comments: 5
Favorites: 57
Rebecca, Abigail and Jessica hook up with a fox after a night out. While Rebecca, Jessica and the fox head to the bedroom, Abigail has her own fun with the fox's snake.
Featuring willing vore and willing digestion
Read about Rebecca’s story here: https://aryion.com/g4/view/659663
Read about Jessica’s story here: https://aryion.com/g4/view/660613
Please login to post a comment.
Posted by NightRoller 4 years ago Report
Hmm...
Besides the interesting choice of being written in the present tense rather than the past tense (which tends to be a choice of those with less experience writing, most of the time), this story has quite a few grammatical errors, such as runon sentences, missed capitalization, using apostrophes in the incorrect places, and possibly others I didn't notice.
The good content (the *meat* of the story) was decent and tended to have fewer errors, I noticed. However, the infodump at the start of the story wasn't very smooth and felt like a slog. I can say from experience, you want your story to be as decent in the non-vore parts as you can so that those who give the non-vore parts a chance to read can enjoy spending their time doing so.
I'm certainly not going to be nitpicking anything because this is fantasy, but a significant detail I noticed was that Abigail "saw" a "thin, clear liquid", which shouldn't be possible considering the liquid is *clear*. Even if it's not dark inside the snake, this really took me out of the immersion of the story. Another detail: snakes don't "unhinge" their jaws, so their jaws are never out of place (look it up, it's actually quite fascinating).
Lastly, as a fellow writer, I want to leave you with a couple of the stories I have written with snake vore (both are mostly or completely grammatically correct and lacking content errors): "Painful Pleasure" (slightly old, painful digestion but willing) and "Almost... Survived (Eaten in the Everglades)" (this one's good enough I occasionally use it for fantasizing myself). Neither is part of a series, so it's easy to jump into either.
Posted by furrster090 4 years ago Report
Heya! Thanks for the long and detailed review! I'm indeed a starting writer and I have to say I can see where you're coming from. This is the second piece I ever wrote, so it's still rough around the edges. I've been trying to get better at spending time and effort on both the grammar and the sentencing; I'm not nearly there yet but I'd like to ask you to read either my latest "horse girl's Adventure", or "midnight walk at the beach" in hopes of showing some contrast of developments I've made based on self reflection.
I'm not sure of you'd be willing to, but if you could send me the nitpicks in a PM I'd really appreciate it so I know more specifically where to improve in the way of grammar and flow of story, but this is already a huge help!
Posted by NightRoller 4 years ago Report
Glad to be of assistance (and glad the assistance is helpful for you!), I'll check out both of those and PM you some of the more frequent errors I find in them.
For sure, the more solid the writing, the easier it is for a reader to enjoy a piece, and the only way you can improve quickly is by reading a lot and writing a lot (and seeking feedback can boost that improvement rate as being watchful for some errors becomes second nature)!
Posted by Bitter 4 years ago Report
Snake preds, willing prey, and soft digestion are a winning combination. I don't have much to add over NightRoller's comment, so just take some words of encouragement that I look forward to what you submit in the future.
Posted by nomnomvore 1 year ago Report
An absolute favorite of mine still. The soft and willing vore, a gentle snake, and even gentler digestion.