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Tags: another story with too many tags Butterfly butterfly girl Digestion F/M Fatal Female Pred horny horny pred Literature Male Prey Monster girl monster girl pred moral Opportunist Oral Vore pheromones Predator Prey Researcher Short Story Sleepy sleepy prey Soft Digestion Story Swallowing Unaware digestion Unaware Prey
Edit: the triple-post was due to internet issues, and is my bad. I'll leave them up but hide two of them so they can be accessed, but they won't show up multiple times.
Sometimes life just sucks the inspiration right out of ya… so I took the inspiration while I had a chance and the motivation, even though it’s not the big story I want to finish now.
Here’s my inspiration:
“The key here is to bring clothing that is easy on, easy off. Having to struggle out of your full-length Snuggie will cost you valuable time. Plus, you will look like a butterfly hatching from its cocoon and will no doubt attract a swarm of lusty fellow butterflies whose pheromonal mist will only distract you further”
Literal Train of thought (what I used to build the story): maybe a person is stuck in a suit for some reason and they are trying to take it off, butterfly girls are attracted, then maybe view changes to food?
Also, I didn’t think of the possible lesson that could be learned from this until after finishing, but I found it too ironic and pertinent to allow myself to not put it in there.
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Posted by TheWildeWood 4 years ago Report
"Andre was tired." is a good start. The sentence after is too long and wordy. Follow through on your punchy start, tell me about Andre being tired, how his legs are heavy, his eyes struggle to not close for rest that would doom him. Better yet, "Andre was tired; ..."
Overall, the piece is too wordy and mostly in passive voice, but it's got potential to be an engaging read.
Also, you change your narrative voice at the end. I like the sentiment, but it should be segregated from the story so that it doesn't jar the reader out of enjoying the end, but acts as the cherry on top, yeah?
Posted by NightRoller 4 years ago Report
Definitely, the wording could use improvement, as you noted; however, I did not find much passive voice at all (I found only 6 instances, so the actual number is likely 10 or less), so I'm not sure that makes the story be "mostly" in passive voice. Perhaps you meant how I use "would" and "had" tenses a lot?
I'm not as opposed to using the passive tense at all when I write these stories, especially when the wording lends itself more naturally that way, but I agree that overuse of passive voice is a distinct problem when it does occur.
Posted by TheWildeWood 4 years ago Report
Maybe I need to brush up on the specifics, or be more specific. Or not edit when I'm tired. In any case, I'm glad you found it useful.