The Dangers of Italian
 
 
“Sweetie, it’s so nice of you to bring me to dine in such a nice place!” Alice looked around the restaurant, amazed.
 
 
 
“Anything for my wifey,” James smiled. “Just wanted to keep you away from the kitchen today.”
 
 
 
“I just think that maybe I didn’t come with the right clothes,” Alice blushed.
 
 
 
“Oh don’t worry, this establishment is near a beach. They’re used to serving people even more skin than you, love.”
 
 
 
“That’s a relief…”
 
 
 
A waiter approached the couple’s table, and with a slight bow, asked:
 
 
 
“Have you decided what you’re going to have, lady, sir?”
 
 
 
“We want to have Italian,” Alice replied before her husband could. “And wine, of course.”
 
 
 
James shrugged. He didn’t care for spaghetti at all, he’d rather have fish. But he only came to this place to make his wife happy anyway, so there was no problem.
 
 
 
“I…talian?” The waiter gulped, looking quite nervous. Then he grinned, sweating. “O-Of course! Just wait a moment!”
 
 
 
The waiter went away wiping his forehead with a handkerchief. The couple didn’t notice his strange behavior. Had they done so, they might have caught a clue and asked for something else.
 
 
 
Some minutes later a waitress returned  with a single large plate of spaghetti, clearly meant to be eaten by two people. It all made sense now, James thought. Alice was so quick to choose Italian because she thought it would romantic. That was just like her…
 
 
 
“Bon appetit,” The waitress grinned as she filled the couple’s glasses with wine, then she went away giggling.
 
 
 
James wasn’t big on Italian, but heck, that spaghetti was looking and smelling good! The couple lost no time and began attacking their dinner, pausing only to take sips of their wine. Alice even had to let out a small burp once before going back to eating.
 
 
 
Soon Alice noticed that she and James had picked up the same strands of spaghetti. Oh, that was just like in the movies! Alice closed her eyes and blushed, and began sucking the strands while James did the same. She could feel her head approaching his, the kiss would come anytime now!
 
 
 
Instead of a kiss, she felt her head being engulfed. She was being swallowed alongside the spaghetti! James had his eyes closed and was so unaware of his surroundings due to the delicious dish that he had accidently gobbled up his wife’s head, and kept swallowing!
 
 
 
As her body quickly descended her husband’s gullet, Alice screamed to no avail. Everyone’s gaze had turned to James but still he kept swallowing obliviously, until Alice’s feet were sent down with a loud GULP!
 
 
 
James licked his lips and smiled, but noticed that something was wrong. Where in the world had Alice gone, and why did he feel so stuffed and heavy? He looked down and saw his distended belly  escaping from bellow his shirt. He only got what was going on when he saw his belly move, as if it’s contents were fighting for freedom.
 
 
 
Quite annoyed to say the least, James made a signal for the waiter and waitress who had been watching the couple attentively all this time, and both came to his time.
 
 
 
“What seems to be the problem, sir?” The waiter said, nervously.
 
 
 
“Well, what do you think?” James pointed at his belly just as a scream came out of it, a bit muffled by the walls of flesh. “Your fiendish spaghetti made me swallow my wife whole!”
 
 
 
“Oh, how I wanted to warn you of the dangers of Italian, sir!” The waiter bowed slightly, looking quite dismay. “But my boss would fire me if I did! He’s too proud of our menu to see any item being removed from it, even considering any possible….problem.”
 
 
 
“So you mean that…?” James looked at the waiter, surprised.
 
 
 
“Yes, it’s a common occurrence with Italian,” The waitress answered, trying her best to hold in a laugh. “Italian has proven itself quite hazardous to wives. Yours is the eleventh casualty just this month.”
 
 
 
“Casualty? Surely you don’t mean that…” James grew a bit pale.
 
 
 
“I’m sorry sir,” The waiter lowered his head.
 
 
 
“Come on, there must be a way to get her out!” James’ glance went from the waitress to the waiter, them back to the waitress.
 
 
 
“I’m afraid not,” Said the waitress, with a shade of pity in her voice. “The only thing you can do now is let your body do it’s work. If you so choose, you can use our bathroom. It’s quite clean and the toilet sits are very comfortable. The janitor won’t be happy, but he’s starting to get used to dealing with victims of Italian.”
 
 
 
“Well, I’ll let you know that this whole ordeal made me slightly irritated!” James said in return. “I fear I am going to have to write a vexatious review of this establishment of yours, and give it a  three-and-a-half stars score!”
 
 
 
“We deeply apologize, sir,” The waiter bowed again.
 
 
 
“Nevertheless, we urge you to enjoy the rest of your meal before it gets cold, sir,” The waitress grinned again and both went away.
 
 
 
James was left alone with a loud belly. It ached mightily not only because it was filled with his wife, but also because James always suffered from bellyaches when under great stress. The other patrons still looked at him, some feeling pity, some horrified and some finding it all very entertaining. Well, there was nothing James could do for Alice now. He felt a bit sorry for her, his loving wife of a marriage that was practically perfect…
 
 
 
He started eating what was left of the spaghetti, the source of all that vexation. He looked at it not angrily, but quite severely, almost as if James expected the plate of pasta to apologize for the troubles it had caused.
 
 
 
“You played quite the prank on me, you mischievous example of foreign cuisine! If you weren’t so delicious, I’d feed you to the dogs, impish source of triglycerides!”
 
 
 
James thought that the only way of revenge available to him was to send the spaghetti to the same place he sent his wife, and so he devoured it to the least strand, leaving the plate clean in the end. Quite satisfied with his vengeance, James wiped his mouth with a napkin before taking a good sip of wine.
 
 
 
“BOOURP! Sorry dear, you know what fermented drinks do to me,” He chuckled, gently rubbing his belly, where his wife still screamed and cried and squirmed. “Don’t be so sad, I’m the one who got the short end of the straw. There’s no more hope for you, my love, didn’t you hear the waiters? So why don’t you make it easier for both of us and start moving less?”
 
 
 
But Alice kept fighting and screaming, crying for freedom and for her husband to let her out. He just sighed, feeling very sorry for her and for himself.
 
 
 
“Frankly, you’re upsetting my stomach a good deal, but if you want to make it harder for everyone, I’m powerless to stop you. Hope you don’t mind if I drink your wine too, by the way.”
 
 
 
Alice was growing weaker by the moment, and after a loud burp by her husband stole what was left of her breathable air, she stopped moving for good. James patted his stomach, saddened.
 
 
 
“Goodbye, dear. At least you tasted great, and that’s something I’ll never forget,” He drank more wine and it made him feel better. It was a very good wine, perhaps he should give the restaurant a slightly better review.
 
 
 
There wasn’t much James could do besides sit, sip wine and rub his belly while digestion took place. Now that his stomach had truly started to break down it’s contents, it became really loud and James found some entertainment in listening to it’s gurglings and growls. He could feel to some extent it’s fleshy walls closing in and pressing Alice, and it was unlike anything James ever experienced before.
 
 
 
Eventually, Alice started to soften up and lose shape. Each time James pressed his gut it offered less resistance. When it became way too soft, James knew that his wife had become sludge.
 
 
 
“Poor wifie… BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUURP!” James accidently pressed his belly with too much strength, causing him to release a thunderous belch. His wife’s slimy clothes came frying from his mouth and fell on the table. “T-That was a meaty one…”
 
 
 
James looked at the clothes, thinking about keeping them. But they were too soaked in acid to be any good, so the clothes that once covered his beautiful wife’s body were now disgusting rubbish.
 
 
 
“You mean, nasty belly,” James scolded his own distended gut. “Couldn’t you have showed any mercy to Alice?”
 
 
 
His answer came as a loud and satisfied grumbling, followed by the gurgling sound of the contents of the stomach being sucked by the intestines. Soon enough, James had his bowels bloated by his large dinner to the point that they ached a bit.
 
 
 
The process took a lot of energy and the wine made him quite sleepy, so James couldn’t help but fall asleep on his chair. When he woke up, his bowels ached and growled loudly and angrily. The time had come.
 
 
 
James rose from the chair with some difficulty and the movement caused some bubbles inside him to dislodge, making him burp once more. An object came from his mouth and fell on his belly: it was Alice's wedding ring, darkened by stomach acids.
 
 
 
The man waddled towards the bathroom, finding each step surprisingly difficult, and being weighed down by his heavy intestines. Finally he managed to reach the men’s bathroom. At least the toilet seat was truly quite comfortable, as he had been told.
 
 
 
Outside, the waitress laughed as she heard James loudly part ways with his wife. When he came out of the bathroom he was terribly tired and his belly quite smaller. Still, James was all around a fatter man than when he first entered the restaurant.
 
 
 
“Phew, that was worst than I imagined,” He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “And my brother thought that HIS divorce was rough!”
 
 
 
As he made his way to exit the restaurant, the waitress stopped him.
 
 
 
“I hope you enjoyed dinning with us, sir,” She said with a smile.
 
 
 
“Oh, sure did,” James rolled his eyes, not happy with what was clearly a joke being thrown at him.
 
 
 
“I can’t help but notice that you have your wife’s ring with you. Since she won’t be needing it anymore,” The waitress giggled. “Would you mind letting me have it?”
 
 
 
“Of course I would!” James looked at her offended.
 
 
 
“I can give you ten bucks for it!”
 
 
 
Ten bucks were more than nothing, and after thinking for a bit, James agreed to selling the wedding ring. It really served no purpose now. James left the restaurant and the waitress was left admiring her new trophy. She had a drawer filled to the brim with discarded wedding rings back in her house, all thanks to the Italian. The waitress thought that collecting them brought good luck, for some reason.
 
 
 
Outside, James was approached by a man. He looked normal, and was skinny enough, except for a huge, fat potbelly that escaped from beneath his shirt.
 
 
 
“So it’s you!” The man said, a hint of sadness in his voice.
 
 
 
“Me?”
 
 
 
“The newest victim of the Italian. A friend of mine was on the restaurant when he saw you devouring your wife. He called me right away, but I was at work. Just wanted to see the collateral damage.”
 
 
 
“Well, yours is worse than, that’s for sure!” James pointed at the man’s potbelly. “Were you the previous victim?”
 
 
 
“No, it happened some two months ago.”
 
 
 
“And you’re still that fat?!” James’ gaze went from the man’s belly to his own body. Would he never be able to lose the weight he gained?!
 
 
 
“Well, my situation was a bit more…severe. My wife was pregnant with twins,” The man patted his belly, in a mix of sorrow and nostalgia. “A man can never recover from a meal like that.”
 
 
 
The man gave James a friendly slap on the back and went his way. As James went inside his car he thought about the guy he just met and how his figure was ruined forever. And he lost his family too, I guess.
 
 
 
“Poor guy! Just wait until my review comes out, this place is definitely losing half-a-star for that!”