Posted by Superdoge645 1 year ago Report

I think you already could guess which part of the chapter a alternative would be good but if you don't the part where cinder instead lets emerald keep ruby and digest her.

Posted by Hibben 1 year ago Report

That, or Jaune risking a dance with Emerald.

Posted by Superdoge645 1 year ago Report

Yeah because sometimes the main characters need to be shown their plot armor is not the be all end all and sometimes there is no get out of jail free card.

Posted by Goldendevil21 1 year ago Report

Thanks for the setup at the beginning to let us know where the scene takes place. Even if it is a dream. And did enjoy seeing Yang be horrified at Cinder and Ruby getting closer and for good reason.

Also enjoyed Yang looking over and doing a relaxed sigh, even with half her team inside Ruby’s belly. As if getting eaten by Ruby is much safer than getting eaten by someone outside their team.

Do have a slight complaint about the battles Pyrrha takes part in. Now, the story tells me Pyrrha is struggling to move but we never see that during the fight. In fact, its Mercury who is the clumsy one to fall on a crack he did not see (Despite his entire battle style revolving around using his feet.) Though was cool to see Mercury being pinned under Pyrrha’s belly and breasts.

Honestly, would have liked a different take on the fight. Instead of Mercury being humiliated, it is Pyrrha who is humiliated. Her extra body weight is not pure muscle yet and has less experience moving around at such a huge volume. Yet Mercury has plenty of experience fighting Emerald and would know how best to defend himself against a stuffed predator. Able to use his increased flexibility to tire her out before landing a blow that causes the fat huntress to hit the ground with a bounce before falling out of the arena. This can show in the earlier scene that Mercury is a great fighter. Able to deduce Pyrrha’s semblance has to do with magnetism from the way she moved his feet.

The way the girls talk throughout the story about how hungry they are felt a bit flat for me. Just like my last review, I need more details on the girls. Does Ruby’s corset let out a stretch of protest from her stretching? How wide is Weiss’ muffin top? These juicy details should be in a vore story.

Did enjoy the contrasting characterization of Blake and Yang. While Blake denies she is not fine, everyone can tell she is lying. Contrasted by Yang who fully admits she is tired.

Did love this line, Weiss said as she knew first hand in regards to the first fact, given that Blake was up last night searching her scroll in regards to articles. Even when she was inside her stomach. What a cool spin on the original scene where Weiss was able to feel the cat scrolling through her scroll while in her belly.

Did love Emerald’s prank on Ruby. For one, completely buy that Ruby is that trusting to others. She is the innocent soul. Second, completely matched Emerald’s character to use her semblance in a creative way to get a free meal. She just sees these huntsmen and huntresses as a free meal. Though do hate how Ruby is rescued by ‘Carmine.’ Not from a sexy point of view. Was super sexy having the two women trade Ruby like a delicious candy. From a story point of view, why doesn’t Cinder just let Ruby be digested? She interfered in her plans in the past and even later in the same chapter, interfered in her plans.

Why is Cinder sweating a bit at the thought of Ruby eating a Grimm? Cinder already saw the gullible girl eat a Grimm before in the previous chapter.

Did love Ruby helping Jaune find a date for the dance. That really does feel like something Ruby would help her friend Jaune with. And was a blast seeing the two interact with Emerald who made it clear she wanted to eat him. And he almost accepted. Or Ciel Adams who treats the invitation to a date like a military recruiter. Great job capturing her character there. And makes perfect sense Jaune would not want to spill his forged transcripts to the analytical woman.

Though did love the part Ruby was having so much trouble in heels. She is used to boots and was great to see her struggle with the more refined shoes of a lady. Even later when she fought Cinder, was a great touch to have Ruby be defeated as she is just not used to having so much weight on those shoes. (Though just like I complained before, GIVE ME DETAILS on what the girls are wearing. How big are their boobs from all their meals? Do they threaten to pop out of the blouses from how squeezed they are? Does they shake as they dance?)

Did enjoy the shout out to Pyrrha asking Jaune if he remembered taking dancing lessons with team JNPR?

Also felt like there was a wasted opportunity with Mercury here. He has already been on a mission with Emerald to ‘dispose’ of a traitor to the White Fang. They work well together even if they hate each other. Wanted him to say, “Smart move, kid.” To Jaune for not dating Emerald. Both a way to tease Emerald for not having a date but also sound advice as he has seen how much she ‘honors’ letting her prey out of her belly.

Posted by jyoster 1 year ago Report

Thanks for your criticism, and we appreciate it. And while there are many things you pointed out that are very fair to point out, It would take a while to address all of the points mentioned.

However, I can at least address a point you made multiple times. The lack of details when describing the weight the girls have and how it affects the girls.

The truth of the matter is... I suck at describing clothing. I'm not usually one to pay that much attention to detail in regard to what a person wears. Like, I can't describe two different types of shirts off the top of my head.

So I do apologize for lacking in that aspect.

Posted by Goldendevil21 1 year ago Report

Well, to your worry about clothing descriptions being added, that is okay if you don’t want to add them. Its less the clothing itself and more the weight the girls have to the clothing that makes it sexy. Having Ruby borrowing Yang’s bras (even if you don’t explain they are yellow and two cup sizes bigger) is sexy. Showing how much the younger sister grew up top. How the two are a bit ackward with Ruby needing to take her sisters clothes and Yang for not feeling as special as her little sister eclipsed her. Write about the corset making light stretching noises (even if you don’t explain exactly what color or shape the corset is) as Ruby walks after a full meal. Or how it bursts open after a filling meal and Ruby makes a cute pout of needing to buy another outfit.

And this next part is a suggestion for the next chapter but what if Pyrrha and Nora both eat their dates and fall asleep sharing the same bed because they fell asleep giving the other teammate a belly rub. Causing Jaune and Red to talk about how are they going to handle having two hungry teammates on their team. Would love to know what these two guys think of the situation. Are they happy being close to their significant other? Are they worried for their safety as the constant groans and churs echo around them? Do they make a secret plan to help them flee the women if they get too hungry? Really like that last one as that adds conflict in the team as Nora and Pyrrha feel like the boys don’t trust them. All while one or both eats an innocent civilian to tie them over or a Grimm.

Posted by jyoster 1 year ago Report

We'll have to see how it goes, as we don't have everything set in stone yet.