Posted by Goldendevil21 1 year ago Report

Do not have much to say about the scene in Ozpin’s office. Matches well the scene from the show without anything major/minor being forgotten.

Did like Ruby’s team all coming to her to ask what happened in Ozpin’s office about the saboteur. Feels like the team really is a team with how they ask questions about the event and if Ruby is okay. My favorite being Weiss’ line of, “Something tells me you would've said that regardless of the outcome.” When talking to Yang about how she would have supported Ruby regardless of if she was right or wrong.

And do like how the characters are smart enough to figure out the connection to the sabotour, the person who almost made a meal out of Ruby, and Carmine without ever stretching the leap in logic.

Though do find Weiss calling Yang out being silent to be a little weak. Have Yang glance at the floor. Have her cheeks go red when Ruby mentions Carmine. Give us something to indicate why Yang being silent attracts Weiss’ attention.

And even though I know this is not your strong suit, you do need some details sprinkled into the story. Not only to make the story better but also make it sexy. An example being; Yang took the moment to calm down as she smiled more genuinely, before hugging back her sister; Describe how big Ruby’s bust is compared to her older sister. Maybe if her chubbiness makes Ruby’s hugs even better. Another example being; The other girls looked on as they felt a bit more relieved by this, but still felt a bit worried for Yang; Give me details. Have Weiss and Blake give small smiles at her two teammates. Maybe have Weiss cup her chin as she thinks on their next move. Telling us ‘they felt a bit more relieved’ is a bit lazy.

The little details are good in other places. Like the line; Ruby said before zooming over to Yang and wrapping herself around her as she flailed her arms forward to try and grab it; Great job showing Ruby being the hyper girl she is.

Did love the part Zewi literally made his own meal when using his mouth to operate a can opener. That was pretty funny. Showing just how strong the dog is. Having a nice payoff later.

Loved the line, "Alright Zwei, just like we practiced~" What a great way to reward readers who know that Ruby practiced eating large meals as a kid. Makes sense Zwei helped her at the start as well.

And really enjoyed this in the next scene; Though Ruby made sure to draw little attention to herself, especially since she was sporting a small yet round belly at this point, which pushes against her clothes a bit; The problem I have with it is this is one of the few times this is mentioned. Ruby’s belly does not do little indents with Zwei moving around. Blake does not dart her head around the pelican as she smells the dogs scent from Ruby’s burps.

And this is less about your story and more to the creators but really enjoyed how this shows both the strengths and weaknesses of Ozpin. He is calm and understanding to the situation. Knowing the girls are on a mission on their own and the best he can do is have a good guardian with them. But also at the beginning we see how Ozpin keeps his secret close to his chest. Not wanting the general public to be aware of the saboteur.

Just love all the times the characters remind Ruby to keep her hunger in check. Like this line: "Weiss makes a good point, it would make traveling around harder with you having a full gut." Blake added to this; Just really enjoy how the characters treat their leader with a bit of suspicious at not controlling her gluttony. Maybe forced to watch her for the day as she slowly digests her meal instead of doing any moving.

Good job on Yatsuhashi and Fox from team Coffee. They are shown to be part of the team with Coco and Velvet with waving to the girls. Yet also showed a bit of their personality where they know Coco and Velvet like to talk.

Aww Nora. Am so sorry that your BFF/Emergency Meal is not feeding you like the queen you are. This insubordination to the queen is unacceptable. Recommend one night in the belly as he thinks about cutting you off from pancakes.

And really enjoyed the part Ruby burped up Zwei from her mouth. Was strangly cute and sexy to have the little guy come up Ruby’s mouth and give a greeting like a figurine out of a clock.

Liked these two lines a lot; Ruby would nod as she'd transform her weapon to scythe mode before looking at Zwei. "Cover your ears, Zwei!"; And : "Heh, piece of cake! Mmm… Cake…" Ruby said while drooling…” The first line about Zwei does a great job showing that Ruby does care for her little guy. How his ears are so much more sensitive and yeah, a gunshot going off near him most not be good for his cute ears. And the second line shows how Ruby is slowly losing herself to gluttony. How she can’t even focus on fighting Grimm and is more interested in stuffing her face with them. Not a big problem now but like this idea.

Though when Ruby did eat a Grimm, would have preferred instead of a puff of smoke that it was a cyclone of rose petals. Another suggestion is give me details on how big her belly is. You don’t have to explain the corscet being stretched and pale flesh is sticking out. But at least give us a measurement on how big her belly is. Is she now the size of a small bus? A car? These details are really sexy and help sell the scene. The story says her belly shrank but without knowing from what size, is just guess work on the part of the reader.

Though absolutely loved the part Zwei got under Ruby’s active belly and helped lift the organ to help Ruby walk. What a cool idea. This was my favorite part of the chapter.

Did like Ruby’s tease of volunteering to eat Blake to give her a place to sleep. With Blake correctly pointing out that her belly is already hard at work on another meal.

Not sure how it was in the show but did find it ridiculous that no one on watch duty saw Ruby and Zwei leave the camp.

And thanks for staying faithful to the show where without Ruby’s weapon, she is not the best at hand to hand combat like someone like Yang.

Posted by jyoster 1 year ago Report

Glad to see you liked it, thanks for the pointers. Yeah, we should see about paying attention to more subtle details like that.

Posted by Egads 1 year ago Report

I have to say, I can't help but respect how you review our RP/Story thoroughly and not just give it a general review. I'm not sure if that's because you're the biggest fan of this story or you just really love giving detailed reviews. Either way, we definitely appreciate it! <3

Posted by Goldendevil21 1 year ago Report

It is a little bit of both. The first part is just my ego. I like it when I can correct and share my thoughts and opinions on a piece of work. Whether that is movies, TV, books, or any other media. The second part is yeah, am a big fan. Just love RWBY vore stories that actually continue the story rather than just being one-off stories that end with everyone jiggling on a single girl.

The biggest reason by far I give detailed reviews is because I want the work to improve. Have felt like the chapters are no longer as good as previous chapters. I will not forget the time Nora walked into the cafeteria with Ren in her belly. Or the creativity to have the cast visit Tai Zaio-Long, Ruby and Yang’s farther on Patch over spring break. Felt like some of that passion has left this work.

Do have some suggestions if you are open to them. For one, have RWBY debate on how which is more important, being a Huntsmen or being a predator? They don’t have to directly address Pyrrha but do want Dr. Oobleck to question them on what goal is there. Do they want to save the people from the Grimm or are they more interested in filling their bellies (Grimm or otherwise)? Though do understand the chapter ended after this talk could happen.

And for the next scene, don’t forget to have Roman Torchwick be charismatic. How he knows the names of the White Fang members under his command but is clear that he hates Faunus. Also how easy he fights Ruby without Crescent Rose as when she inevitably tries to eat him, he sees the attack coming a mile away. Though also don’t be afraid to show his arrogance as rather than take this chance to kill Red, he torments her.

And this is a suggestion, but if the team needs to catch up to the train on its way to Vale, feel free to have Ruby eat her team. That would be a cool use of her ability.

And please keep the joke of, “Detach the Caboose. It will kill us all!” Just love that red vs blue reference.

And this is fan editing but don’t have the White Fang be too suicidal. They are on a moving train filled with bombs. A dead end at the end with an army of Grimm and Huntsmen on the other side. They should be nervous. Or if they really are zealous to the point of not minding if they die to destroy Vale, then show that. Also, have them fight the well-trained Huntsmen with the robot Paladins, not with their fists. Make the girls earn their meal. Then again, that extra weight might slow them down.

Posted by jyoster 1 year ago Report

Thanks for the suggestion, these are pretty nice ideas. Feel free to suggest some more if you want. We'll have to see which ones can be done.

Posted by TheCyberEmpire 1 year ago Report

I can't wait for chapter 13 to come out soon, there is SO many vore situations for Ruby, Weiss, Pyrrha, Nora, Coco and potentially Velvet if they are willing to swallow Grimm like Ruby. MAYBE Cinder or Emerald if they missed out on breakfast or lunch. =w=

Also, how are you two gonna handle the noodle scene in Volume 3 in the future? It looks like the perfect chance for Blake to become a glutton as well as Yang, ((Mostly leaning towards the former))

Posted by jyoster 1 year ago Report

We're currently working on it as we speak, so we'll see if we can finish it soon.

We'll have to discuss as far as what we want to do with some elements of Volume 3. Feel free to recommend a few stuff, could serve as inspiration for us to use.

Posted by jyoster 1 year ago Report

In regards to future chapters at least. We're almost done with chapter 13. It's looking to be a big finale.