Posted by AnonymousBellyFicGuy 1 year ago Report

I just realized, almost everyone gets this wrong.

It's "Miltia" not "Militia" (lol)

Its happened to everyone.

Posted by AnonymousBellyFicGuy 1 year ago Report

But nice development! Happy that every girl is getting a meal.

Hopefully they all do~

Posted by Goldendevil21 1 year ago Report

Did enjoy the new setting as we get to read about how the twins at Junior’s pub took care of rowdy customers. Both for the club guests as well as gangsters. And did enjoy his reasoning for wanting to keep things peaceful. In a club, there are bound to be some crazies that show up that have to be dealt with. This is a good plot. And makes sense Junior gives the go ahead to the twins to eat them. They came on to his turf and made a scene. If he does nothing, he looks weak. If he does something too extreme, no one is going to want to do business with him. Crooks and partygoers.

And do enjoy how Militia and Melanie are different. They might be twins but you actually gave them some personality with Militia being the courteous one who is there to be gentle and try to diffuse a situation. Helps that Monty Oum did make the twins quite cute. Then there is Melanie who is looking for a fight and not looking weak. Thought that balanced the twins out very well.

And while I did enjoy this line; “Burrraaaap…!!” Melanie belched aloud, sighing as she carried her weighted tummy with her hands, her dress managing to cover her yoga ball sized belly to an extent; This is not detailed enough for me. I want to read how the lights of the club flash across her exposed belly. I want to read how bumps could be seen across its surface. I want to know the state of her dress from a two course meal.

Loved the part Militia offered up her second meal to her sister Melanie when she spoke about how she got a double meal. Then Melanie said “Nah, you had him fair and square.” This does a great job showing the twins, despite their different personalities, really do love each other. They don’t fight each other like gluttons but instead are quite courteous to each other.

And did enjoy all the references to every girl’s weight. My favorite being Emerald’s line of; Scroll in front of her, leaving her breasts pressing against the back eye of it, which had swelled much more than Cinder's with how round and ample they currently were; That was a great way to show where most of the weight from her meal went. And do not be afraid to go more into detail on this. Tell us how Emerald is a bit pissed she had to buy a new bra or how her current one is making stretching noises every time she does the slightest movement.

The chemistry between Emerald and Mercury is quite good, though.

The dialogue between Cinder and Roman was a bit weak in comparison. Especially the lines, “I don't know, they both might have inherited your taste for mayhem.” Cinder smirked, playing along. Roman chuckled.
“I know you used ‘taste’ on purpose.”
I get that this is to show friendly banter but felt like low-hanging fruit. Maybe an exchange of: “They are not my kids,” Cinder cut off Roman with a glare. Narrowing her fiery eyes at the suit wearing thief. “They are my lieutenants.”
Roman simply laughed, “Yeah. And Neo is just a street thief.”
A bit more crude and more conflict that does take away from the more relaxed atmosphere between them in your part. Though still feel like Cinder would take offence at calling them children.
Did not like the line; “Don’t give me that garbage. You all manipulated me. You tried to indoctrinate me, and succeeded in indoctrinating my friends.” Blake’s eyes glowed with animalistic fury; For me, this is not Blake. Blake is usually very quiet and inquisitive. Talking very little and mostly letting others talk. Thought it would have been much cooler if Blake is so angry at her friend’s death that she does not even give these murderers a word. Where once she has them disarmed, immediately starts eating them and Weiss is the one who has to calm her down as they need answers.

Though did very much enjoy Weiss still struggling to swallow a meal. She still needs practice.

And did love reading how Weiss and Blake were burping and sloshing their bellies.

In terms of grammar, excellent job. Can’t fault you for misspelling or bad sentence structure. Though if not too much to ask, please shrink the spacing between paragraphs? Is just a bit too much of a gap between paragraphs.

Posted by CommodoreNeil 1 year ago Report

Formatting can be a pain. Not entirely sure what to do about it aside from changing my upload style...meh, I'll figure it out.

Details, details, details. I'm starting to understand thG the state of clothing is very much important to describing these things, so I'll do my best to take this into better account going forward.

Cinder probably would be a bit miffed at Roman calling Mercury and Emerald kids. While she knows he's just joshing around and they get along in this world, it might be neat to set some lines that still aren't to be crossed. Had he meant it with the explicit intention of being demeaning towards them she might definitely put him in his place and remind him of boundaries on how to speak about her charges.

Blake is an interesting topic here. Due to her history she's likely to be the one with the most self control of the main girls, so she very well almost committed to eating first ask questions never, but that wouldn't have accomplished much beyond filling her tummy. It WOULD have been cooler, probably.

Blake usually is the quiet and inquisitive one, but here she is feeling extremely pissed at her friend being dead, so she's going to voice her thoughts a little bit more in the moment. But even so it wasn't QUITE enough to subvert her pragmatism and wanting answers(damn well close tho). Had I put Ruby there-who's the youngest and currently the least put together knowing a friend is dead-very likely would have done what you suggested thus needing Blake to hold herself AND Ruby back so they could interrogate properly.

I can probably still adjust a few things to better match things up. I have a ways to go.

As always your input is appreciated.

Posted by Goldendevil21 1 year ago Report

Thanks for responding to my comment. And yes, my comment is just my thoughts. Monty Oum created these characters, not me. So, might misread them differently to others.

Posted by Desktopjesus 1 year ago Report

I'm a bit surprised zealous members of the White Fang or other groups haven't come up with ways to hurt a pred when inside of them.

Posted by doomed 4 months ago Report

Having digestion be painless is nice touch , although is that an aesthetic Choice for Blake or in general . Either way it works , especially since Blake is a former terrorist who likely ate people to kill them. It makes sense she’d want her digestion to be painless especially for non-combatant she killed