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Jean's Walking Lunch(tags b4 u read)

Uploaded: 3 years ago

Owner: Helena793

Tags: Oral Vore Scat Digestion F/F Fatal lunch Female Prey Female Pred Jean Disposal Fitness Willing prey Underage Underage prey Genshin Impact

Another edit of the previous one bc I forgot a few tags

Jean goes on a walk and forgets LUNCH oh nos! 

BroTato - 1 year ago

Huh. Just realized I couldn't find this in the search bar

Probably due to the underage tag though

Helena793 - 3 years ago

I thought about making these stories into a series though with the restaurant coming up with a new diet plan of meatgirls being the main course because it helps hunger and the overbreeding problems that my genshin world here has

Helena793 - 3 years ago

Im keeing it up for others to read if they prefer that one

TETRO - 3 years ago

It's a little short, but I like the premise. You were asking for some advice earlier, so I'll give you some to help you out:
1) Start a new paragraph (go to a new line) whenever you have new dialog. If you have multiple people talking to each other, go to a new line whenever you switch speakers. It's considered good form and makes your dialog easier to follow.

2) Be careful of run-on sentences. There's no hard and fast rule for this, but just be careful about how many different things you try shoving into a single sentence. This will help with my next advice.

3) Work on your pacing. This one is difficult to define, but you know it when you see it. It's perfectly fine to write very short stories like this, but it'll improve your writing if you slow down a bit and add more details. Out of all my pieces of advice, this one takes the most practice. It'll come naturally to you as you keep trying to do it. To practice this, you can take a particular important moment of a story and really break it down (like digestion). Think about the senses involved: colors, forms, tastes, smells, sounds. Think about what's in a character's head in that moment. Is she nervous? Is she reminded of something? Is pleasure overwhelming her or is this just another pleasant event on a relaxing day?

astrikur - 3 years ago

You can add new tags even after uploading
Just click the little “edit” button next to the tags

Jean's Walking Lunch(tags b4 u read)

Uploaded: 3 years ago

Owner: Helena793

Tags: Oral Vore Scat Belly Digestion F/F Weight Gain Fart Fatal Pooping Farting Gas lunch Child Prey Female Prey Female Pred Disposal Gassy Fitness Purchase fit pred Willing prey excited prey Underage prey Genshin Impact Jean Gunnhildr

A story about Jean on her walk, but oh no she forgot to bring LUNCH! Thumbnail from reddit (help me write better) 

theteen73 - 3 years ago

Oh ok, well I guess she at least learned to digest.

Helena793 - 3 years ago

The reason was that she is from outside the city of Monstadt on a peasant farm ane did not get a good or any education other than how to work

theteen73 - 3 years ago

I have a large question. It might count as constructive criticism. Why was the little girl so incompetent? An 8 or 9 year old would be much more intelligent and mature than her, and she would understand all this stuff. Was just wondering if there is a reason for that.

AzurePheonix - 3 years ago

Yes! Though in fair criticism you may want to consider parsing out your paragraphs more. Big blocks of text are somewhat jarring to wade through.

Helena793 - 3 years ago

Go to my other one, its more complete