I enjoyed this one a lot, Karbo! As engrossing and skillfully executed as any one of your drawings, I must say. A great counterpart for the original illustrations.
I liked this story quite a bit, Karbo. It has almost as much detail as one of your pictures, is very well thought out, is paced well, and is "A great counterpart for the original illustrations." as Shyguy9 said.
What follows are my _opinions_ on how it could be changed to make it (my _opinion_, maybe not anyone else's opinion) better, but you might not want to change a thing. Mind you that all of these are quite trivial.
1. While "Emperor Sardon III" is the technically correct form, I might have written it as "Emperor Sardon the third" OR "Emperor Sardon the 3rd" just because I think that these new forms are a bit easier to read. (Also, the name kept on bringing to mind Zordon of Power Rangers fame, which was distracting, but that's not your fault. :)… and now that I think about it, it also brings to mind the word ‘Sardonic’ (from the French word ‘sardonique’). Was that intentional?)
2. "made the world tremble in his bloody fist." This seems a bit odd, as a fist is usually a closed hand with nothing in it. Perhaps "made the world tremble in his bloody grip." would work better.
3. "The new demon glowered at the group, lighting a torch, and sighed dismally, "Follow me."" You changed tenses in the middle of the sentence from past tense to present and then back to past tense, although there are cases where you can do that, "The new demon glowered at the group, lit a torch, and sighed dismally, "Follow me."" might work better.
The whole little bit about the guard demon grumbling about what the contract said versus reality was funny and a nicely placed break from all the seriousness of Hell. Also, why are the succubi trying to eat the guard demons? To vary their diet? :)
4. "lazily scooped the cowering Prisoner into her hands" This is just a simple capitalization error, as Prisoner shouldn't be capitalized.
5. "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner, head first, lingering with tantalizing slowness." The use of lingering here bugs me, but as far as I know it's not incorrect to use it as such. The sentence would work just as well in the form "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner, head first and with tantalizing slowness." or "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner, head first, with tantalizing slowness." or "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner head first, with tantalizing slowness."
6. "You will become part of demons... well part of a demon actually." This seems kind of odd considering he wanted to become a demon. One way to rephrase it is "You will become a demon... well part of a demon actually." However, if "You will become part of demons" is saying that he will become one of the many demons of Hell then it might be better to say "You will become one of the demons... well part of a demon actually." or "You will become one of the demons... well part of one of the demons, actually."
7. "Like any other man, Sardon III the immortal screamed and screamed again through the gurgling darkness in the confines of Menyssan's stomach." This one bugs me as it seems that you have two sentence endings in this one sentence. (That is to say that "through the gurgling darkness" and "in the confines of Menyssan's stomach" both seem to end the sentence.) Might I suggest "Like any other man, Sardon III the immortal screamed and screamed again in the dark confines of Menyssan's gurgling stomach."... although the phrase "gurgling darkness" is pretty cool.
I look foreward to your next creation, in whatever medium it may be.
Thanks you very much ! Your remarks are very useful as usual ;)
there will certainly be a reworked version. Besides those errors you found, I am personnaly not very satisfied with the final scene where Menyssan swallows Sardon. Lot of words that repeat and hinder the read...
The scene with the redhead trying to catch the guard was to explain why they were chained in the original picture :)
Also bravo, you hit the mark ! Sardon actually come from sardonique. Tough in the very first version I called him "Sargon" before realizing that a king of this name had existed ^^;
"The group was comprised of sinners of every sort: thieves, rapists, murderers, liars, traitors, spammers"
Hee hee. Spammers don't deserve such a lovely fate as that, though I agree that the lot of them are bound for the darkest pits of hell.
Well, what would I give to exchange places with those damned souls? Once again you seem to have placed every fantasy I've ever had into a single work. I particularly enjoyed the part in which he was placed onto the girls' stomach, and moved forced to listen to the digestive sounds inside.....followed by him getting the chance to watch the previous victim go down her throat from close proximity; that's something I've often fantasised about.
All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable piece in every way. Your written works show style and imagination, and I really hope that you'll be treating us to more of these in the future.
Thanks you :)
I am really glad you liked it. Such comments means a lot !
If you found this one to match your fantasy, you may want to take a look at Lamarun's ( aka Zombie slave ) stories, in particular the wonderful "sorceress trilogy" :)
Besides ( rare ) willing preys, I share almost exactly the same aspect of the fantasy than him.
As a spammer myself, I would be happy with this fate :3
Especially if after we got digested, we were reborn to face the same fate again and again xD
Anyhoo...nice work man ^_^
Thanks a lot, you comments are very encouraging ! :)
And you are right, angels are even more voracious even if they hide it well... or no so well in the case of Angelissa :P
Thank you ! :)
No I haven't any more project for stories for the near future. This one took me a looot of time and was really a hard work to translate to proper english ^^;
But if I was too write another I think it would be one from the treegirl picture.
Nice story, with a rich vocabulary. Especially the swallowing/throat parts were very detailed and well described, a naughty little tease that succubus!
I must say, Karbo, your story writing skills compliment your skills as an artist very well. I very much enjoyed your story and ou simply must write more in the future! :)
Wow...all this time and I never knew this exsisted o_o! Your stories are as amazing as your drawings, I do perfer stories alittle more then pictures ...I just get more out of well-written story.(not that your pics aren't good lol.) So this this a good discovery after six months XD.
The part with throat bubble was great..and the end.
Someday I hope someone writes a story about the Naga or Mermaid.
Thank you ;)
I also hope.. I have some vague ideas for naga stories but the translation part takes just too much time... Actually I am pondering on making some drawing-for stories trades in the future :)
whoah thath was just awesome loved it sooooo much you really shoud make another one about he naga serie and some continuation about the rest of the adventurer group.
Great story, I must say you're english is better than a lot of the people I went to school with (in New York...grammar isn't that difficult, people). Not just that, but it was a great story!
You know, I could have sworn I posted a comment here the first time I read this story. You did an excellent job on it Karbo, be proud of your work, it's far better than anything I've written. The way you laid out the story, the way you wrote the changes in Sardon's demeanor as he realized exactly what was going to happen... it was a masterful work, something I hope that I may too accomplish. I can only imagine what you could do if you wrote about Crisis like this...
Holy moly, i am really jealous of you. You got drawing skills and writing skills to the max. This is a real masterpiece. Ever thought about making a book?
I must say. Very nice work Karbo. Just put in the pics in the story that would be REALLY nice. ((I'm just new so it will take some time for me to do some pics.))
im sorry but that was the best story ive read on this site so far, you perfectly nagged the swallowing part. if you make another i fully support you on the way. xD awsome
Excellent as always Karbo. I really hope that you write more in the future; it had the same quality of perfection that we've all come to love from your art. Keep it up!
Wow... Just wow... It was one epic story. I could learn from it for my future stories. I think it's a bit of a shame you didn't make other stories. I know, why don't you make those stories in French, and have someone rewrite them translated?
Alala , qu'est que Menyssan est joueuse mais très agréable , son sadisme est doux je trouve . J'espère qu'elle a bien manger , ces coéquipière de travaille aussi ! :-) ^^ . * Renifle * ... Il y a une odeur dans l'air ... * Renifle * ... Sa sent ... * Renifle * ... Sa sent l'Oscar , avec inscrit sur la surface en or : " Décerné à L'écrivain et dessinateur de génie , j'ai nommé Karbo " . Quelle talent , pendant la lecture , on peut facile s'immergé dans l'histoire , rien qu'en lisant chacune de vos phrases . On peut vous applaudir Karbo . ^^ .
Posted by Shyguy9 19 years ago Report
I enjoyed this one a lot, Karbo! As engrossing and skillfully executed as any one of your drawings, I must say. A great counterpart for the original illustrations.
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thanks you ! I am glad you liked it, I wan't sure at all. Your comment means a lot to me :)
Posted by oldman40k2003 19 years ago Report
I liked this story quite a bit, Karbo. It has almost as much detail as one of your pictures, is very well thought out, is paced well, and is "A great counterpart for the original illustrations." as Shyguy9 said. What follows are my _opinions_ on how it could be changed to make it (my _opinion_, maybe not anyone else's opinion) better, but you might not want to change a thing. Mind you that all of these are quite trivial. 1. While "Emperor Sardon III" is the technically correct form, I might have written it as "Emperor Sardon the third" OR "Emperor Sardon the 3rd" just because I think that these new forms are a bit easier to read. (Also, the name kept on bringing to mind Zordon of Power Rangers fame, which was distracting, but that's not your fault. :)… and now that I think about it, it also brings to mind the word ‘Sardonic’ (from the French word ‘sardonique’). Was that intentional?) 2. "made the world tremble in his bloody fist." This seems a bit odd, as a fist is usually a closed hand with nothing in it. Perhaps "made the world tremble in his bloody grip." would work better. 3. "The new demon glowered at the group, lighting a torch, and sighed dismally, "Follow me."" You changed tenses in the middle of the sentence from past tense to present and then back to past tense, although there are cases where you can do that, "The new demon glowered at the group, lit a torch, and sighed dismally, "Follow me."" might work better. The whole little bit about the guard demon grumbling about what the contract said versus reality was funny and a nicely placed break from all the seriousness of Hell. Also, why are the succubi trying to eat the guard demons? To vary their diet? :) 4. "lazily scooped the cowering Prisoner into her hands" This is just a simple capitalization error, as Prisoner shouldn't be capitalized. 5. "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner, head first, lingering with tantalizing slowness." The use of lingering here bugs me, but as far as I know it's not incorrect to use it as such. The sentence would work just as well in the form "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner, head first and with tantalizing slowness." or "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner, head first, with tantalizing slowness." or "Finally, she began to lower the prisoner head first, with tantalizing slowness." 6. "You will become part of demons... well part of a demon actually." This seems kind of odd considering he wanted to become a demon. One way to rephrase it is "You will become a demon... well part of a demon actually." However, if "You will become part of demons" is saying that he will become one of the many demons of Hell then it might be better to say "You will become one of the demons... well part of a demon actually." or "You will become one of the demons... well part of one of the demons, actually." 7. "Like any other man, Sardon III the immortal screamed and screamed again through the gurgling darkness in the confines of Menyssan's stomach." This one bugs me as it seems that you have two sentence endings in this one sentence. (That is to say that "through the gurgling darkness" and "in the confines of Menyssan's stomach" both seem to end the sentence.) Might I suggest "Like any other man, Sardon III the immortal screamed and screamed again in the dark confines of Menyssan's gurgling stomach."... although the phrase "gurgling darkness" is pretty cool. I look foreward to your next creation, in whatever medium it may be.
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thanks you very much ! Your remarks are very useful as usual ;) there will certainly be a reworked version. Besides those errors you found, I am personnaly not very satisfied with the final scene where Menyssan swallows Sardon. Lot of words that repeat and hinder the read... The scene with the redhead trying to catch the guard was to explain why they were chained in the original picture :) Also bravo, you hit the mark ! Sardon actually come from sardonique. Tough in the very first version I called him "Sargon" before realizing that a king of this name had existed ^^;
Posted by Anonymous 19 years ago Report
"The group was comprised of sinners of every sort: thieves, rapists, murderers, liars, traitors, spammers" Hee hee. Spammers don't deserve such a lovely fate as that, though I agree that the lot of them are bound for the darkest pits of hell. Well, what would I give to exchange places with those damned souls? Once again you seem to have placed every fantasy I've ever had into a single work. I particularly enjoyed the part in which he was placed onto the girls' stomach, and moved forced to listen to the digestive sounds inside.....followed by him getting the chance to watch the previous victim go down her throat from close proximity; that's something I've often fantasised about. All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable piece in every way. Your written works show style and imagination, and I really hope that you'll be treating us to more of these in the future.
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thanks you :) I am really glad you liked it. Such comments means a lot ! If you found this one to match your fantasy, you may want to take a look at Lamarun's ( aka Zombie slave ) stories, in particular the wonderful "sorceress trilogy" :) Besides ( rare ) willing preys, I share almost exactly the same aspect of the fantasy than him.
Posted by yami92286 19 years ago Report
As a spammer myself, I would be happy with this fate :3 Especially if after we got digested, we were reborn to face the same fate again and again xD Anyhoo...nice work man ^_^
Posted by Duamutef 19 years ago Report
Good stuff, my friend. Almost makes me want to become a sinner! But if hell's got that, imagine how hungry they must be in heaven...
Posted by Angel 19 years ago Report
Well Duam, I think some of my pictures as well as some of Karbo's can answer that. :-) Great story, Karbo!
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thanks a lot, you comments are very encouraging ! :) And you are right, angels are even more voracious even if they hide it well... or no so well in the case of Angelissa :P
Posted by Angel 19 years ago Report
*innocent look* Who, me?
Posted by Entity 19 years ago Report
i thought it was a really good story.very good to read.
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thanks you ! :)
Posted by Squall 19 years ago Report
It was a good read. I suggest unbirth though, maybe some succubi don't feed just their stomachs.
Posted by Bubbles_prime 19 years ago Report
Wow! This story truely does those pictures justice. Do you have any more of stories you are planning to write?
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thank you ! :) No I haven't any more project for stories for the near future. This one took me a looot of time and was really a hard work to translate to proper english ^^; But if I was too write another I think it would be one from the treegirl picture.
Posted by Lanquin 19 years ago Report
Nice story, with a rich vocabulary. Especially the swallowing/throat parts were very detailed and well described, a naughty little tease that succubus!
Posted by Trewgatt 19 years ago Report
Wow, what a great story! Your skills as an author are incredible. Hope you'll keep the stories coming. I'm looking forward to the next one :)
Posted by Karbo 19 years ago Report
Thanks you a lot ! ;) The feedback I got here is really encouraging. I have no idea for another story yet but if I find one, I'll surely do it :)
Posted by Ray 19 years ago Report
I must say, Karbo, your story writing skills compliment your skills as an artist very well. I very much enjoyed your story and ou simply must write more in the future! :)
Posted by Anonymous 18 years ago Report
Wow...all this time and I never knew this exsisted o_o! Your stories are as amazing as your drawings, I do perfer stories alittle more then pictures ...I just get more out of well-written story.(not that your pics aren't good lol.) So this this a good discovery after six months XD. The part with throat bubble was great..and the end. Someday I hope someone writes a story about the Naga or Mermaid.
Posted by Karbo 18 years ago Report
Thank you ;) I also hope.. I have some vague ideas for naga stories but the translation part takes just too much time... Actually I am pondering on making some drawing-for stories trades in the future :)
Posted by XLRP 18 years ago Report
I got a long way to go before I'm this good. Awsome work
Posted by Silent_eric 18 years ago Report
I say whatever you do, keep it up. Writing or drawings you excell in it all. Kinda makes me a little jealous. >.>
Posted by Karbo 18 years ago Report
Thank you ! ^_^
Posted by Chain 18 years ago Report
Really liked this story, it's fits just perfect to the pic :)
Posted by Anonymous 18 years ago Report
whoah thath was just awesome loved it sooooo much you really shoud make another one about he naga serie and some continuation about the rest of the adventurer group.
Posted by diablodevil2 18 years ago Report
Great story, I must say you're english is better than a lot of the people I went to school with (in New York...grammar isn't that difficult, people). Not just that, but it was a great story!
Posted by Anonymous 18 years ago Report
That was intoxicatingly erotic. I loved it. Keep up the magnificent work.
Posted by TastyToni 18 years ago Report
I really enjoyed this story, it was good fun!
Posted by isaac52 18 years ago Report
wow i love it menyssan gave me chills.mustv'e been hard writing since english is your second language.
Posted by Karbo 18 years ago Report
Glad you liked it :) isaac52 : Well yes that's the main and only obstacle for me to begin another ^^ ;
Posted by SeruOmen 18 years ago Report
Why didn't I ever read this sooner? o.o Nice job!^^
Posted by Adam 18 years ago Report
Pretty good for a first-time attempt, Karbo! Keep up the good work!
Posted by Jurodan 17 years ago Report
You know, I could have sworn I posted a comment here the first time I read this story. You did an excellent job on it Karbo, be proud of your work, it's far better than anything I've written. The way you laid out the story, the way you wrote the changes in Sardon's demeanor as he realized exactly what was going to happen... it was a masterful work, something I hope that I may too accomplish. I can only imagine what you could do if you wrote about Crisis like this...
Posted by Karbo 17 years ago Report
Thank you for your feedbacks ! ^_^ Jurodan : I don't think it can compare to your stories and writting but thank you ;)
Posted by Assimilation 17 years ago Report
I was pleasantly surprised, being new to the site. This was a good read, regardless of being a vorarephile.
Posted by AnimeLover112 17 years ago Report
Holy moly, i am really jealous of you. You got drawing skills and writing skills to the max. This is a real masterpiece. Ever thought about making a book?
Posted by Freddy 17 years ago Report
I must say. Very nice work Karbo. Just put in the pics in the story that would be REALLY nice. ((I'm just new so it will take some time for me to do some pics.))
Posted by bigman27622 17 years ago Report
that is a great story i beleive you could be a great writer....i could imagine it all in my mind it was soo cool
Posted by gangsterjc 17 years ago Report
great as usaual love u karbo !!!!!!!! MORE STORIES PLZZZZZZZZ!!!!!
Posted by Quinten 16 years ago Report
im sorry but that was the best story ive read on this site so far, you perfectly nagged the swallowing part. if you make another i fully support you on the way. xD awsome
Posted by zwolf 16 years ago Report
you drew a vivd picture with words. Bravo.
Posted by Reiko 16 years ago Report
Wow o.o this story is epc! Hehehe and I thought you said you weren't good at writing in English =3 this is fantastic!!
Posted by Karbo 16 years ago Report
Thank you :D
Well I was very helped here ^_^
Posted by zwolf 16 years ago Report
well karbo on behalf of all voraphiles every where you have created a masterpiece!!!
Posted by Outcast 16 years ago Report
The detail and work put into this story is truly amazing. You must be proud of your work, and that it is really good too.
Posted by Vorefreak 16 years ago Report
Excellent as always Karbo. I really hope that you write more in the future; it had the same quality of perfection that we've all come to love from your art. Keep it up!
Posted by Shady_Knight 16 years ago Report
Wow... Just wow... It was one epic story. I could learn from it for my future stories. I think it's a bit of a shame you didn't make other stories. I know, why don't you make those stories in French, and have someone rewrite them translated?
Posted by Karbo 16 years ago Report
Well even then it take me a long time.. far more than drawing ^^;
Posted by Krisexy 15 years ago Report
tu sais quoi ? :/
ben tu devrais en écrire dautreXD (grosse surprise) ta vraiment un crayon, un stylo, une plume ou peut importe ce que tu veux mais qui écrivent a la place de la main :) ^^
Et puis oui je comprend que écrire tes histoires en anglais, ça touche plus de gens. Mais il y a quelques français qui te lisent et tu devrais en faire quelques unes en français ;P. Ne renie jamais tes origines. wow sa sonnait profond XDXD dsl jsuis italienne et canadienne et puis ehm...bon jva arreter de compter ma vie XDXD continu comme sa tes super bon ;P
Posted by Karbo 15 years ago Report
Haha merci XD
Posted by French_snack 15 years ago Report
Je me rends compte que je n'ai jamais commenté sur cette histoire... Excellente! Les descriptions sont très bien faites, et on ressent vraiment l'atmosphère du lieu. Le comportement de Menyssan est assez fascinant.
Tu comptes en écrire d'autres un jour? ;)
Posted by Karbo 15 years ago Report
Merci, venant d'un auteur comme toi je prend ça comme un sacré compliment :D
Sinon, ben peut etre dans un futur lointain.. disons que le probleme c'est le temps.. Je n'ai pas l'habitude d'ordonner mes idées en écriture alors c'est très long ^^;
Posted by foreverknight13 14 years ago Report
Ah yes, I remember this one. very well done for an artist of your caliber. ever considered writing more?
Posted by JMan96 5 years ago Report
I have to say, this is a really good story! Definitely on par with your artwork.
I don't suppose you've considered doing another?
Posted by SherlokKirya 4 years ago Report
I can't belive you written this story 14 years ago, was "Felarya" project in your plans back then ?
Posted by FallenBlade04 4 years ago Report
Alala , qu'est que Menyssan est joueuse mais très agréable , son sadisme est doux je trouve . J'espère qu'elle a bien manger , ces coéquipière de travaille aussi ! :-) ^^ . * Renifle * ... Il y a une odeur dans l'air ... * Renifle * ... Sa sent ... * Renifle * ... Sa sent l'Oscar , avec inscrit sur la surface en or : " Décerné à L'écrivain et dessinateur de génie , j'ai nommé Karbo " . Quelle talent , pendant la lecture , on peut facile s'immergé dans l'histoire , rien qu'en lisant chacune de vos phrases . On peut vous applaudir Karbo . ^^ .