Posted by Groblek 9 years ago Report

Ooh, nice character development in this one. But ouch, that's leading to trouble once Sandy's finally given Hydra all of herself back and gets out. Hopefully Dorothy will realize just who the affection's been coming from once she gets to see Sandy free of Hydra's influence. Though having that particular realization happen while inside Hydra would be interesting too, if you can come up with some way to make it work.

I'm definitely rooting for Hydra and Dorothy to end up as a couple in the long-term. Perhaps Dorothy comes to Hydra for a way to get away from the world after Sandy finally does break her heart, taking the position of "skeleton" for the goo girl. Then the keeper from your final scene here slips Hydra something that's the equivalent of getting her drunk so that she'll finally confess her feelings to Dorothy.

Or, you know, whatever you end up coming up with. :) At any rate, I'm definitely a fan of this particular series.

Posted by marloweny 9 years ago Report

I've got this weird thing where I start to feel empathetic to my characters after a while, and I just want the nice ones to be happy. So one way or another I think Dorothy will find the healthier relationship.

Posted by Groblek 9 years ago Report

I have the same thing happen with my writing. It's why my latest ebook went from straight-up horror to really weird romance with horror overtones during revisions.

Posted by minasan 9 years ago Report

This was still very nice.

Posted by marloweny 9 years ago Report

Thanks!

Posted by SlasherFiction 9 years ago Report

Giving my thoughts on this makes me feel like I am grading it and I do not like it. Grades are demeaning.
Anyways, I liked that I had to look up , did not know minister was also a verb. Also, I like the fact that until I read the description, I did not know this was part of a larger series. I am currently drained of the "obvious sequelbait" and no one likes the "you need to have seen the first to know".
I have found 5 errors though...

1.) This is an odd one as you would miss it unless you where unfamiliar with Sandy, Hydra, and Dorothy. You did not have me take note of Hydra's name. Sandy's name is given importance with while Dorothy's name is the first word spoken with the following paragraph immediately saying . Hydra's name might as well have been a or a until the fifth paragraph where it is the first word and that caught me off guard. I think the best place to draw attention without changing much would be the first paragraph, fourth line, changing to .
2.) Halfway down, there is a three line paragraph that starts with soon followed by . I think you mean .
3.) Three paragraphs below, second line, you wrote . It should either be or though makes more sense in context.
4.) About two-third down, there is a single line paragraph that starts with . The paragraph below that, first line, ends with . Should it be ?
I am actually asking. Plenty of times I have come across this where the initial person or thing are not given the possessive and it is saved for the last, the one between the . It seems like it is considered grammatically correct but it does not feel correct to me.
5.) Second last paragraph, second line, . Don't you mean ?

I have never written this much in a comment before... This is like a year or two's worth of dialogue, if that... Is that a good or bad thing?!

Posted by marloweny 9 years ago Report

Thanks for the corrections! I applied those that seemed appropriate. I'm happy the fact this was a third installment didn't prevent you from enjoying it. I try to at least partially reintroduce all of the key elements when I continue a story, particularly when it's been a while since the previous chapter, and I try to make sure I don't end without at least one bit of voracious payoff so the story is worthwhile.

And long comments are good comments, if you ask me.