Archive > IvesBentonEaton > Tales of a Visceral Voyager > Food Chained
Expand
Add to favorites | Full Size | Download
  Next > >
Food Chained By IvesBentonEaton

Uploaded: 9 months ago

Views: 1,623

File size: 111.50 KiB

MIME Type: application/msword

Comments: 17

Favorites: 24

The first story of Zōēā, a young wild elf undergoing her rite of passage as a veldami (green-witch) in the Velnēs, the vast rain forest and jungle in which her tribe lives.

This is my first complete vore story but not my last. I do not expect commentary, constructive or otherwise—I lurked on this site for years before mustering the courage to post—but it would be welcome.

Update—12/05/2017: A few changes were made to the story to correct a typo and a continuity error, to rewrite some clunky dialog, and to add a minor enchantment to the Tiendrāsa shrine stone.

Comment on Food Chained

IvesBentonEaton: Any comment is fine, but constructive criticism is particularly welcome. Error reports are best sent by private message; they will be noted and the offending bugs terminated with extreme prejudice.

If you like it but a comment is too much trouble, you can always mark it as a favorite so you can find it again.

Comments
FaceInCrowd42

Posted by FaceInCrowd42 9 months ago

I've found Sturgeon's Law to be more obviously present on the Writing section of this site than most other places on the internet I frequent. You know, "90% of everything is crud?"

You sir, are DECISIVELY in the other 10% with this. I'm not sure I've ever read a better written snake vore story.

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 9 months ago

Actually, I'm familiar enough with Sturgeon's Law to know that what people call Sturgeon's Law is actually not. Yes, Theodore Sturgeon said it, but some other statement is actually his Law, so the more famous statement is referred to by purists as Sturgeon's Commentary or something. But I make the same mistake, too.

I also have a corollary to Sturgeon's Not-Actually-His-Law: From crud can grow flowers. When someone reads the crud and decides, "I can do better", then goes out and proves it, then crud has served a purpose. So this makes me a bit less judgmental.

Just a bit.

Thanks for the comment. There are about a dozen stories in this line planned, half of which are done except for checking for continuity errors (and the inevitable other typos and glitches). Two are half-written, two have only a working title and a paragraph of synopsis, another one is done but it is further in the timeline so it won't be released until I'm sure some detail in unfinished previous stories won't conflict.

[ Reply ]

FaceInCrowd42

Posted by FaceInCrowd42 9 months ago

I was just going by TV Tropes. >_<

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 9 months ago

Odd. I thought I was, too. No worries, though. Anyway, I hope to be posting more of Zōēā's adventures when I'm satisfied that I've done as much as I can on them to defeat the Law of Cybernetic Etymology ("There's always another bug").

[ Reply ]

FaceInCrowd42

Posted by FaceInCrowd42 9 months ago

By which I meant the trope was LISTED as Sturgeon's Law. ^^;

[ Reply ]

TETRO

Posted by TETRO 8 months ago

That was quite a beautiful story. Not to mention, your writing flows very well. The whole thing had a nice sentimental feeling to it and even the "dirty" stuff was handled in a very natural way.

I'm also a fan of scenarios where pred gets annoyed that their prey isn't dying/digesting fast enough.

Thank you for working up the courage and posting this. This sort of quality gives me something to aim for in my own work.

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 8 months ago

Thanks. Some of my better stories come from characters I have played in RPGs, since I invest a lot of time in developing them. That never means that these stories are about any of the adventures that those characters have in games. I take the character concept and drop it into a setting over which I have complete control—which is never an RPG, even if I am the game master. (That's not how RPGs are supposed to work.)

I best leave it at that before you start screaming, "TMI! TMI!" You can wander through my growing blog here if you want to smell my brain farts. :P

[ Reply ]

illirium

Posted by illirium 8 months ago

It's a great and well-written story! I especially like the way you've clearly put a lot of thought and effort into the world-building, but at the same time kept the story from feeling weighed down by it, or from seeming overly serious. It's an awesome balance to strike. :P I also enjoyed the way you wrote the slightly annoyed, but not actually cruel, pred. As for constructive criticism -- it's a tiny moment, but the mention of Zōēā's father's "visit to the nearby villages" feels a bit clunky, and doesn't seem like it really adds much (there's also a slight typo -- an extra "a" -- in that same spot); it's a minor thing, but kind of pulled me out of the story for an instant; a sort of "as you know, your father, the King..." bit. The only other thing that gave me pause was what I felt to be a slight inconsistency to how sexuality is portrayed in the elf society; you mention that they do nothing to suppress their teen's sexuality, and it generally feels like a very open culture on that front; yet Zōēā seems to spend quite a bit of time justifying her arousal to herself, like she's trying a little too hard not to feel ashamed; and it's pointedly mentioned at the end that she wouldn't mention it to her mother. This just feels a tiny bit inconsistent to me. But these are both minor issues; on the whole the entire story is very smoothly written, and is quite enjoyable to read as a result. Everything flows really nicely. I am a happy and grateful reader. Thank you for pointing me this way! :)

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 8 months ago

Error noted and the errant "a" has been terminated with extreme prejudice in the master file, and it has been replaced here. Thanks.

The reason Zōēā's father got mentioned was so that it wouldn't seem like he was getting completely left out of the most important event in her life until that time. Still, what she underwent is something between veldami; Gelorn would not be initiated into the mystery. But yeah, the sentence is clunky. I'll see what I can do about it.

Zōēā's reticence about her experience is partly explained in the text of the story, but if you think about it, she probably isn't going to open up about it just then. After all, I doubt that any veldami is going to tell her daughter about "the birds and the bees (and the snakes)" by saying something like, "Now, daughter mine, when you are being devoured by a snake, you might find yourself becoming sexually excited…" It's not the sort of thing that one runs and tells one's mother right away, even one as open-minded as Yessanth.

Also, I felt that going into a deep discussion between the two of them on that aspect of Zōēā's experience would tend to hinder the progress of the story and become repetitive. It's worth noting that by story 3, "Homecoming", this reticence has been overcome; it is not a secret between them any longer, and the text of that story suggests this.

Your points have merit, though, and I thank you for the comment.

[ Reply ]

illirium

Posted by illirium 8 months ago

Thank you! :D I am happy my points were found to be more constructive than annoying. :) I will be sure to continue reading through the series so that I can find out what trouble Zōēā gets into... Next time! On! "Tales of a Visceral Voyager!" [Dun-dun-dun, theme music, fade to black]

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 8 months ago

As noted in the updated description of this story, I have made certain edits to reflect your comment and to correct a more annoying error I discovered while working on that, as well as rewriting some ambiguous dialog. Thanks again.

[ Reply ]

sweetladyamy

Posted by sweetladyamy 6 months ago

I will admit, that this took me for a sexy ride...had a hard time not trying to read this and get off simultaneously.

But there's a lot of familiarity with the story setting, not unlike a lot of the lore/journals I've read about elven culture back home...

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 6 months ago

You…resisted trying to get off? Blast! You made your Will save! :P

Seriously, though, as stated in the afterword, there should be some familiarity, as the Shāhūnā (People of the Boa Snake) are basically Dungeons and Dragons® (version 3.5) wild elves, and simple extrapolation of how a very long-lived but primitive culture with access to working magic might develop.

Anyway, thanks for the comment, and I hope you enjoy the rest of Zōēā’s stories—the other five here and numbers 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and at least 12, if I can ever get #7 finished.

[ Reply ]

sweetladyamy

Posted by sweetladyamy 6 months ago

Admittedly, I've not had the privilege of playing D&D.
That said, I will eventually read the rest of the series (I have it bookmarked).

Well, let us just say that I waited until after I read the whole thing...

[ Reply ]

IvesBentonEaton

Posted by IvesBentonEaton 6 months ago

Naturally, a knowledge of D&D isn't requires to enjoy the stories. I use it as a framework for Āen because Āen started as a D&D setting I made over the past few years and was readily available, and D&D has always been very vore- and kink-friendly anyway; it only needed a few extra spells to round things out. The inspiration for Zōēā is a D&D character I am still playing in a (non-vore) D&D game.

[ Reply ]

sweetladyamy

Posted by sweetladyamy 6 months ago

I meant, after I read the whole thing to get off...lolz
But yeah, I get that part; I've just never had the privilege of being able to play the game, is all I was inferring, so I don't know some of the terms and such. That doesn't deter from the story, mind you...

[ Reply ]