~I want you to see me as I am
~I wish you could tell me it's okay
~And oh God I wish you could say
~That you're proud of me, that I make you smile every day
and I want you to know that I wish that you had stayed
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUV7bIqX830

Chapter 29:
There was still no money in the bank, and no way to get back to Lamar, the medication did little to quiet the voices, I had hoped numbing my mind with medication again would make them go away but no. So back to Misery it was. And david. On the busride back from Denver to MO, I gathered what strength I could from the ride to draw a sequence of scenes from the movie Aspantasia? Asphantasia? The scene where the princess breaks the family curse. But then after a few image sequences the

Chapter 28:
Section 500 was scary, the patients were scary, some, not all but some of the staff were scary. There was one guy named Jimmy who I tried to steer clear of, context into why would be too lengthy to get into and not altogether relavent. He had a shirt that said "english is important but physics is importanter" and was always carrying around with him a book titled :"spirituality and quantum physics"
There was a guy who was completely faking what ever mental abras

Chapter 27:
I drew some more on a napkin in a
 resteraunt in theairport. It was something I wanted to draw for once and I was able to do it, Link stabbing Ganondorfin the chest. As usual intuation kicked in and I figured more shit out, josef is somehow trying to take my place
 as the son of god through some wierd soul voodoo, the reason, greg can do what he can do is because the alteration to the God particle cern
produced
 MADE him more like God the father, or merged their w

Chapter 26:
The only art I felt like drawing at the time was the councail. but then I felt the intuition to put devil horns around one
of the sillohetes, I identified him as the son of the devil, and made an educated guess that it was that Bobby guy I had met in Houston TX back in late december 2020/early january 2021. Whther true or not, I'm still not entirely sure, but what makes me suspect this is the case, beleive me, or don't believe me, it's up to you, is that I got a very strong sense o

Chapter 25:
The danger feeling in my gut was over but the voices didn't stop, they still kept talking at me and insulting me.
I realized at this point that they had no range limit and I was just going to have to fucking deal with them.
I looked on my phone and found that there was a train headed in the opposite direction, back to Lamar, just 10 to 20 or so minutes away, which was strange because usually the trains show up going one direction in the morning and the other in the evening. I boug

Chapter 24:
I ended up running, not walking this time, I remember that for sure down the street away from the train station,
I saw something that would be too complicated to explain right now that scared me even more. I got to a house that I just felt would be okay to knock on the front door of and sure enough the woman there answered, the train didn't arrive for another hour or so so I was stalling for time. I asked if she'd be willing to give me a ride somewhere, she said the hospital's jus

Chapter 23:
They started by continuing to make threats on my life, the more I drew the more clearly I could hear them. After about a week I could start to hear them even when I wasn't drawing. I walked out to the dege of town to test they're fucking range to see if I could get away from them, this wasn't schizophrenia, these were distinct voives, with distinct personalities that were able to hold a conversation, one filled with absoulte disgust and hatred towards me but a conversation nonethele

Chapter 22:
I heard them, while I was making art, when I was meditating, when I was focusing deeply, I could hear them, voices. When I stopped drawing at first all was quiet again but when I kept drawing and got back into the groove I could her them again. I started recording what I heard, by drawing myself as Rainbow Dash in a box playing with a ball, and a glass window above me with the silluoete of a head, I recorded what it said. "he heard that?" I heard just after recording what

Chapter 21:
I took a bus to Lamar this time I think, when I got there, I was carrying all my stuff with me, and I got kind of frustrated because as I got closer, my stuff was getting heavier (there was a lot of it, it was really cold, (it was march 2023 at this point)) and I ended up going from gratitude to complaining for a moment, strangely enough when I did, help arrived, a car and a woman named "angel" picked me up and drove me the rest of the way to Sunburst. I was concerned abou

In the St. Louis psychward, when I first got there, things were not cool. It's the first time I've ever been in a psychward where when I first got there I felt my life was in danger, but only when I was standing near the windows. There was a guy there named... he had black hair and played spades, he taught me how to play spades. That was kinda cool. They had music therapy there and I showed one of the staff this song "mysterious bronie right here with me" and said it felt like a memory

I ran into at the St. Louis Airport that I ended up at where I saw the syncronicity "final death" on my phone appear, who I'm pretty sure in hindsight
was a cult member named Justine. I got her as an uber driver and told her I was being pursued by a "shadow cult".
She suggested I go to the St. Louis police station and she'd also give me her number because she said she lost a loved one to a cult.
I got to the police station, tipped her after I, might have ran, not walked i

Chapter 18:
I had 5000$ with me and I got on a greyhound bus due for kansascity and left town. I saw negative syncroonicities on my phone of sillohetes, gun barrels, and I felt they were connected to my brother who I was pretty sure by now wasn't my brother. Negative ciderparty songs were showing up again. And when I got to the bus stop, I was confused, when I got on the bus the driver had said that this bus was going to kansascity, but we were in St. louis, (the ride was at night). Still doesn

Chapter 17:
The next year and a half were lax. Too lax. david took me to fancy resteraunts,
something he hadn't done when I was a kid, ssi came in and I started saving up, I got a proper phone again, not the rinky dink one
simona had given me. I was spending a lot of time in bed on my phone watching pointless and meaningless shit for about a year.
And I started noticing a trend in the art I was masturbating to. I was like, huh, there are a LOT of young foals on my phone. I wonder if there's

Chapter 16:
A social worker saw me, looking back, I know this is pretty stupid but I was pretty worked up. I asked her to get a hold of my "mom" (still deluded enough to believe she could've been my mom then). I gave her her address. simona came and visited me, she brought me a little ceasers pizza. I asked why we got seperated in the store, she said that she just went back to the apartment and though that I'd just leave and walk across the street when I was done shopping. I was like,

Chapter 15:
I took a bus to the airport after taking a bus to the far edge of town and sleeping there for a night. They said I couldn't take the bullets with me on the flight... after I had already thrown them away so obviously one of us wasn't paying attention.
I was going to Columbia, MO, I was going to buy a combat knife, I was going to go to davids, there was vengence in my eyes,
but more fear, because as I got to Fortworth TX, there was a flight delay for the transfer to Columbia, MO, th

Chapter 14
On the busride to texas I got another syncronicty on my phone, a video by scribbler that said "home sweet home"
with the image of "the candy mare" shoving an axe through a little filly's skull.
In Houston texas I started going on bus rides and more ponies at dawn music came out, it always was, I was just listening to it again.
I found some cool mlp comics too that I had never seen before, but also an 8 graves song called "burning alive", and the hand

Chapter 13:
It was early 2020 now. Covid had affected the operation of the airport and I couldn't sleep there anymore, and with the reduced hours I was just making enough to get by, so no more seb investment. They cleared me on the charges for stealing the van though since it was my first offense. Gyms were closed so I couldn't take showers there anymore, so I found the cheapest hotel rooms I could instead every other week.
Suprisingly, in manhatten, cheaper than all the other districts if you

Chapter 12
After learning to tie a tie I started work and the influx of money gave me so much more freedom to do what ever I wanted in my free time
out in the city. Going from never working before to working 8 hour shifts was an insanely rough transition but I felt some force helping me, I thought it was God at the time but looking back now, knowing what I know, I don't think that's what it was. At some point I was getting more money than I knew what to do with with the airport still being an

Chapter 11:
I got to newyork and off the plane with a small amount of my total stuff at Laguardia and didn't
know exactly what to do, I was glad to be away from david but I didn't know the first thing about New york, so I stayed at the airport for a night, then another, and another, and another, and another, eventually I got the picture that they weren't going to kick me out so I was like, cool! This is my new home for now. I watched gamegrumps, tried to get into drawing a bit agin at the food

Chapter 10:
I was making vore sprite animations, drawing ever so ocasionally, still couldn't "hit it" like I could in california.
I got angry one night while walking down a road outside the town at night and screamed at God. It was the first time I ever felt like doing that, before then I hadn't really ever interacted with God, or the idea of him since simona suggested I "try praying to him once" when I was around 7 or 8 years old. After that night I felt a longing I didn't

Chapter 9:
Early 2016 rolled around and simona had a new pet "little guy". I didn't love him the way Iloved Nikki,
my childhood dog while growing up. A real source of love that dog. She was the only thing real in my entire childhood, maybe I said that earlier but I'll say it again, Nikki was awesome! But the synchronicites I experienced while logging onto the internet through my computer were getting wierder. I was shown Mark Twain, the claymation movie, the scene with the mysterious

Chapter 8
Sometime early that year still in 2015 I felt compelled to type everything down on my windows 7 computer at the time
at how I ended up from being a happyish kid (clueless more than happy truly) singing and playing videogame in my "moms" duplex
in early 2012, to having a broken singing voice, living homeless out of a van, and going to starbucks to draw and animate sprites
every day. I just got angry and had to walk it off and scream. Nice nature though. California is beaut

Chapter 7:
When at deer park I was out of money and couldn't afford to stay there. I climbed up
the hill path to a white buddah statue and bowed before it, it just felt like the right thing to do.
Then two people showed up behind me, John and Christian. They brought me back down to the office and payed for me to stay for a while.
After meeting another one of their friends, Jeff, I told them about the troublees I experienced in 2012 and 2013 and all three gave me a hug simultaniously, I had

Chapter 6:
I was moved out of Knox and into an apartment that david had created for me nearby.
The energy of that place just felt wrong. Even more wrong than Knox, and I was starting to develop awareness enough at that
point that there was more going on than just aitheism and what I could percieve with just my senses, so I became interested
in a place called the school of metaphysics, they gave me weird meditation excercises that only made things worse, but I met
someone there who introduce

Chapter 5:
12th grade was pretty uneventful, stable. Simona was in an apartment, yes, moved again, with me and Josef just outside of town and I actually really liked riding my 3 wheel bike around the neigborhoods there. Allthough I got this really dark feeling while riding my bike one day in 2011. It felt like death. A black eternal void. It was the scarest feeling I've ever felt but it quickly passed so I payed it no mind and continued riding my bike.
 
Then 2012 happened. At the end of

I didn't like middleschool. And by that time kurtis and Simona got divorced.
Josef and I fought occasionally but for the most part we treated eachother like brothers.
He wasn't let in on the reality of me not being an actual part of the family until 2012, so for the timebeing I think
his relationship with me was as real as my relationship with him, it felt real anyways.
I did well in science class but I remember being bitten by a mouse once. I felt that. I've always been extremely
sensitive

Chapter 3:
At around second grade I was put into a private school for a short time.
I had a penchant for art when it came to compistion in painting. I painted a tree and a big yellow
flower next to it with the sun shining in the sky.
The teachers there didn't like the way I was behaving, so at some point I was homeschooled by Simona that year before third
grade began at Shepard School. I remember not being interested in making art there for the most part, I was focused on making mazes
and

At some point During Azelea, after being drugged and gaslit
but before 1st grade started in ernest Kurtis had showed me
Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. It was the first final fantasy game I ever played.

Chapter 2:
Being only a toddler, or a little older than a toddler, the process of individuation hadn't even come close
to beginning yet, so I was still a sponge, just absorbing things around me. They were treating me well enough, David
and Simona, but the body keeps the score and it always remembered what David Strumpf did to me even if I forgot/had my doubts. Simona was a willing participant so she can't claim innocence on this.
A flood occurred at the house we were at, that was kind of coo

The end started at the beginning.
In the beginning, there was toast.
In Texas, north of Houston.
My father and mother were together, my sister was young but older than me.
I had just been born. I could hear my father crying at night sometimes, something about the past had
broken him emotionally. We were on a farm and life was beautiful.
Then, my father called an old friend of his, David Strumpf, his name could've been different back then,
I'm not sure, on the landline. And shortly after t

I didn't just HEAR it. They made me WATCH!
"Muffins: The fun never ends"
Memories at that age don't get encoded and stored visually, they get encoded and stored emotionally!