timing2 - 14 years ago

Thanks! I will get back to them eventually. In the meantime, if you haven't already, you might want to take a look at FrenchSnack's Story 53. The second half of it takes place in the Vorchek homestead. You can find it here: http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=187864

timing2 - 14 years ago

Agree. Candra has some amazing talent.

timing2 - 14 years ago

Thanks! By the way, FrenchSnack wrote a story that involves the Vorchek homestead. Felecia and David appear in the second half of the story. You can find it here: http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=187864

Rebirth - 14 years ago

Really great art. Hope to see Felecia and David in your new stories.
Keep up the good work:)

temporos - 14 years ago

This is fantastic artwork!

tonyvld - 14 years ago

I agree she could eat me anytime

timing2 - 14 years ago

Yep, that's one of the things I liked best. Well, that and the pants slipping down the poor guy endures after she scoops him up.

timing2 - 14 years ago

Thanks! I can't take credit for the artwork - that's all Autumn's work. The story is mine, however. :)

timing2 - 14 years ago

Thank you kindly!

timing2 - 14 years ago

I'm glad you like it! Autumn did a marvelous job on the lobster girl and the whole comic.

timing2 - 14 years ago

Yep, I'm sure a lot of people would stare.

steven1950 - 14 years ago

*laughes*you know people would stop and stair instead of running in fear and amazing job

Dragonjaj - 14 years ago

lol i read that after i posted but id watch a disney movie with this sceen in it

timing2 - 14 years ago

Hehe, maybe because IDKURA drew it in Disney style?

Dragonjaj - 14 years ago

Why dose this feel like a disny move sceen? still vary nice.

Liz - 14 years ago

timing2 - 14 years ago

One could only hope Disney would do a film like this.

VelveteenDreams - 12 years ago

I wish Zhane would join Aryion.

timing2 - 14 years ago

Nicholas is too eager to help without thinking things through. And Marsha likely didn't help matters by making a disparaging comment about the effectiveness of a sword like that in Felarya, which only spurred him to prove her wrong.

Sehnsucht - 15 years ago

Well, he's not going to shift the snake bending his sword like that!

The detail in the mouth is incredible---deep, dark, and inviting. Thanks for posting this here :)

timing2 - 15 years ago

There have been some size revisions in the stories that I need to upload here (for example, I mistakenly referred to their length rather than height). They were still less than half Marsha's height in that story.

Having said that, yes, these two underwent a tremendous growth spurt after that story. So they are quite a bit larger and can safely call themselves 'giant' slug girls. They're still smaller than Marsha though. She grew as well, albeit for different reasons and not quite as much. :)

Reizu - 15 years ago

Wow!! O.o They grew so fricking big!!

Compared to the "Making of a Queen" story. XP

timing2 - 15 years ago

It helps that there are a lot of talented artists out there. Finding those that do commissions isn't that hard either. The hard part is sometimes getting on the list. Some of these folks are in high demand.

Bright - 15 years ago

You have a habit of finding amazing artists.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Heh, that was the idea behind the commission and Bokuman certainly delivered.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Without giving too much away, Valina has some "special" qualities that makes that an interesting question. The answer is - it depends almost entirely on who or what caught her attention.

soline - 15 years ago

:-) I'm going with hungry

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

I can't tell if that's a hungry look or not. That's extremely important in Felarya. :)

soline - 15 years ago

looking at her face I don't think she minds if you're smaller than her or not :)

timing2 - 14 years ago

Thank you. Bokuman doesn't often do backgrounds ... and when he does the results are spectacular. He really did capture Galya's character in this piece.

swallowingalive - 14 years ago

**********AWESOME********

VERY NICE VERY NICE (**)

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks! I've learned to trust Bokuman when it comes to details. He never fails to do an excellent job on his commissions.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thank you. I love the way Bokuman drew Galya in his style.

Max_C - 15 years ago

Stunningly beautiful. Excellent job on her scales. I love how shiny and smooth they look. This piece is just brilliant.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for the comment and I'm happy you liked the story. I'm currently working (slowly) on another story involving these two slug-girls and Marsha. Not sure when it'll be done, as it's quite a bit longer than this one. Hopefully it has a scene or two you'll find enjoyable.

i-love-vore - 15 years ago

great work can't wait to see another story of you hope you would make more stories with tongue action or with 2 predators having fun with a prey just like this one. you get 9 and a half / 10 points for this one. (keep it up you're doing a good job).

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, that was almost a Ghost Busters moment. Although he didn't know it at the time, he was safe the moment Maasma took a liking to him.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Well, thank you very much. That's a high compliment and it's always good to hear people enjoy reading these stories. Don't worry, I fully intend to keep on writing them.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Isham, dude. When a slug girl asks you if slug girls are the best, remember to always SAY YES!!! It makes her happy and it keeps you alive. :D

LordVengeance - 15 years ago

Rats.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Heh, she's not that big. It's either perspective or she's standing on something - take your pick.

LordVengeance - 15 years ago

She's THAT big? She's bending over at the hip and she's STILL as tall as him!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks! Chai did a great job with these characters.

Green_Glutton - 15 years ago

Awe that's a cute family picture.

Liz - 15 years ago

All good :D - Cheers for clearing it up

timing2 - 15 years ago

Sorry for the late reply - their story hasn't been written yet. You can assume they'll be friendly to that particular fisherman though.

Liz - 15 years ago

They are quite beautiful - are the friendly or is that young man about to be dinner?

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Fascinating... or delicious? :D

timing2 - 15 years ago

There will be a story that leads up to this moment and beyond. I have no idea when it'll be ready though.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Heh, that would be something to see. I'm not sure the mermaids could top that speed.

timing2 - 15 years ago

There will be a story for this, just may take a while.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Ah, but what if it's the fact he's fishing that makes him so fascinating to the mermaids?

Soul_Of_The_Wind - 14 years ago

one word sexy ^_^

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks!

orca13 - 15 years ago

Nice!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Indeed, there was a story I read by turboman500 where a giant naga played that very joke upon an unsuspecting human - with unfortunate consequences for the human.

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm not sure it'll ever go that route between these two, but I'm glad you liked the commission.

timing2 - 14 years ago

Hehe, you are probably correct - in that order. Frisca won't mind, either way.

Thagrahn - 15 years ago

With the look in the Neko's eyes, It looks like she going to grab the yarn ball and the girl.

Conn - 15 years ago

*Nods* I might just be evil and hoard them for myself >:3

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm sure she wouldn't mind, but you might want to ask her, just to be sure.

Conn - 15 years ago

Makes me wonder if I should show off the pics I got off her too but this is very nicely done ^^

timing2 - 15 years ago

Candra definitely has an eye for detail work. Glad you enjoyed it!

timing2 - 15 years ago

I think so! I was afraid, at first, of how the colors would work out - pink and green are not necessarily meant to go together. But Candra really did an excellent job with them.

Arkain - 15 years ago

That is an amazing pic. Such detail. ^.^

Max_C - 15 years ago

Stunningly beautiful! The colors are so rich and vibrant. You certainly got your money's worth.

MicroNekoGirlPur - 10 years ago

now this is adorable, it's nice to see a different take on nekos on here, though I've still hardly seen them more as prey and less slightly slutty pred. still, this one actually makes me go d'aw~ at seeing it.

LordVengeance - 15 years ago

Thank you very much! Just getting advice helps a very great deal. It's not so much that I want to be popular per se, but I would very much enjoy if people simply responded back to me. I'll consider what you said carefully, and I'll try using the AbiWord link you gave me to get a spellcheck.

Thank you for your time and thoughts, man, it's very kind of you to help. ^_^

timing2 - 15 years ago

For the commissions ... honestly, it's up to you. I didn't start commissioning pictures because I wanted more viewers - actually that can be a hindrance. I did it because there are some great artists on deviantART and I wanted to see what they could come up with, given my descriptions of various characters, scenes, and places. Some of them really surprised me (in a good way) with how scenes or characters turned out. I also did it because my free time, which I used to write stories, all but dried up. So I got some awesome art and the artists got paid for their work - win/win in my book. I've been more than satisfied with the results and if the viewers are happy, all the better.

My advice is that you not do commissions solely for the purpose of becoming popular. The problem is, people who come for the images rarely stay for the stories. At least, that's been my experience. I've had people come through, faving every image in my gallery and not give a comment or fav a single story. Having said that, it is possible pictures can draw at least a few people in who would otherwise have not given your stories a glance. One thing to remember - pictures are instant gratification. Stories take an investment of time. People are sometimes picky about how they spend their free time. They aren't usually going to devote any to a story unless they think they'll like it ahead of time. In that regard, pictures can help out.

Another "slow way" to acquire readers is to simply make your presence known. Comment on other peoples' stories. Contribute in the forums. Post in places where people who enjoy gore/violence congregate. If/when you do get comments, be sure to respond, even if it's a simple thanks. I'm amazed sometimes when I see writers complaining about lack of comments only to see they've not even bothered to respond to the comments they already have.

And finally, realize it takes time before people start to anticipate your work, sending you notes saying they'd like to see X, Y, and Z happen in the next story. If you catch enough people's interest, more will come. They tell friends, those friends tell others... Networking works whether you're looking for a job or trying to become more widely known in writing/drawing circles.

Oh, one thing you might want to check. I noticed you said you used WordPad? If that's the case, do yourself a favor and check out AbiWord from http://www.abisource.com. It's a pretty neat little Word alternative and it's completely free. It does have a built-in spell checker. Another alternative is OpenOffice from http://www.openoffice.org. It's also free, though it's quite a bit larger than AbiWord and contains more than just a word processor.

LordVengeance - 15 years ago

True, I suppose, true. Tell me- would it be a good idea for me to start commissioning art of my characters from other artists, lest they be forgotten and overlooked like they are now, or should I try to make the stories themselves better known? You seem to have a fair degree of success with both, so if you don't mind I would love to hear your thoughts.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks. Unless you're getting paid for it, I say write and/or draw what you like. Gore and violence isn't really my thing, but the world would be a boring place if we all had the same likes/dislikes.

timing2 - 15 years ago

As will all things, rich is relative. I enjoy having them done and don't mind supporting the skilled artists who are willing to offer their services. And I'm glad you enjoy them as well. :)

MilkChocolate - 15 years ago

Dude, you must be rich to keep paying for all these commissions.

and as usual they are too awesome for words.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, I really liked that movie.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Wow. This reminds me of Monsters vs Aliens. :D

timing2 - 15 years ago

I agree. He doesn't often do backgrounds, but the few times he's done so for me have been spectacular. And the black-haired, blue-eyed beauty in the middle isn't sore on the eyes either!

Max_C - 15 years ago

WoW! That's just gorgeous! He did an outstanding job on those colors.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thank you. Bokuman always blows me away with his character renderings.

Baz - 15 years ago

OOh, now this is a nice pic

timing2 - 15 years ago

Heh, it's not mine. This is drawn by NeKoChAnK on deviantart.com.

11millionseconds - 15 years ago

Your artwork is very well-made. Props for the shadow on the water.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Lovely spam, wonderful spam! Thanks! Blaz did a great job on it.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, indeed. Glad you enjoyed it.

golfer_ninja - 15 years ago

Spam spam spam spam, Spam spam spam spam, Spamity spaaaaaaaam, spamity spaaaaaaam!

Awesome pic. :D

Vorefreak - 15 years ago

I'm gonna be humming the spam song all night...

Classic Python.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Yep, he does at that. You should check out his gallery for more of the same. I'm not sure how long this took, as he was rotating through several commissions at once. A great deal of time was spent on revisions I requested.

Max_C - 15 years ago

He does the most amazing colorings I've ever seen. I can't even begin to imagine how long this must have taken to complete. It looks like it would have taken weeks. Each flower, each blade of grass, the entire background, all fully detailed. It's just beautiful.

timing2 - 15 years ago

I wish! This is a commissioned piece - it was drawn by Arseniquez on deviantart.com.

timing2 - 15 years ago

A vegetarian slug-girl in Felarya who loves romance novels, no less! As for the rest, some things are best left to the imagination. *wink*

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm glad you like the commission! Yeppers, that is Felecia. And yeah, David is extremely lucky. So are the tomthumbs who call her queen.

Liz - 15 years ago

Woot - then I can spend some more time with her :D

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, that's the kind of comment that would save you from begin eaten. :)

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks. The funny part of that comment is that, in the stories, Marsha does not think much of herself because her slug-portion is very plain looking.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thank you much! There's plenty more to come.

Liz - 15 years ago

She is sexy :D

timing2 - 15 years ago

This is not "my" work, just a commission I had done. It was drawn by NeKoChAnK (you can see the link to her deviantart gallery in the description).

bobpaul - 15 years ago

wow i love ur work 8D keep it up ^^

timing2 - 15 years ago

Just a wandering angel.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Hmmm. Is she a purifier angel? Or just a wandering angel that has acquired a Felaryan appetite? ^_^

timing2 - 15 years ago

In her case, that might actually save him. Not all angels are immune to flattery.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, I'm sure he'd take you up on that offer.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Would the poor bastard get eaten if he said she was hot?

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks. Autumn Lorne outdid herself on this commission. There's another one in progress with these same three mermaids near the surface.

Praexon - 15 years ago

This is awesome on several levels! :D

timing2 - 15 years ago

Autumn Lorne did a wonderful job on their photophores (the glowing organs). She has a mermaid herself named Nerin who has a similar design.

Hopefully the backstory will become a true story at some point in the future.

Svartvinge - 15 years ago

shiiiiny^^ awsome way of making the effects from their fins and...stuff stand out so much, and a quite intressting little background story to them aswell

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm fairly certain Bokuman uses Photoshop.

Max_C - 15 years ago

What a fantastic coloring job! I would have never thought to use red and yellow for the sky, but it totally works. Her tail texture is amazing as well. Is this Photoshop?

LoveLeavs - 14 years ago

thats pimp thank you

timing2 - 15 years ago

Heh, if you like her, you might want to check out Nekochank's new website:
http://www.nekochank.com

LoveLeavs - 15 years ago

GOD thes neko are the most cute/sexy THing i have ever seen

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks. If you like this, I suggest you check out her other work:
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/user-nekochank.php
http://nekochank.deviantart.com/gallery/

You'll need to create an account on both sites to see her "mature" art. She did have an account on blogspot, but that was taken down, unfortunately.

MrBlue - 15 years ago

sry ^^ work*

Noxyoursox - 12 years ago

What a beautiful dridder lady. *sigh* <3

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks and I'm glad you liked the freckles!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, indeed!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks! Bokuman certainly made it easy to love. :)

swallowingalive - 15 years ago

i love!
((( c'est magnifique )))

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks. I liked what he did with the hair as well.

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm sure she has a magic spell or two that would clean up any mess he makes.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Would she eat him if he soiled himself with fear? O_O

GueiGirl - 11 years ago

She's quite a hot one.

Bright - 13 years ago

Gotta love sphinxes.

She looks quite beautiful too.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Can't wait to see her character sheet. And is that carved bone heads, or carved boneheads? ^_-

timing2 - 15 years ago

Not necessarily. Nagas aren't always hungry, after all. And it's possible, with him being an adventurer, he might have a trick or two he could use to escape (assuming he is of the apparently rare breed of adventurer who actually prepares for these things).

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Oh man, so that human is totally naga chow if she sees him?

timing2 - 15 years ago

Yep. The adventurer there is probably going to be in deep trouble unless he has some tricks up his sleeve.

timing2 - 15 years ago

She's a little on the territorial side and does not take kindly to other predators encroaching on her territory. If a harpy was stupid enough to be on the ground anywhere near her - yeah, the feathers could easily come from such an encounter.

timing2 - 15 years ago

That is the artist's signature, Wenart Gunadi. Typically when a commission is done, they'll send a raw version without their signature, and another version with it. For sites like Eka's and deviantart, I always post the version that includes the signature. For wiki use, as an example, I use the raw version.

Jacquelope - 15 years ago

Hmmm... What's the meaning behind the Chinese characters to the upper left?

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks!

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm glad you liked it! Wenart did a wonderful job capturing the storm and the lightning.

timing2 - 15 years ago

There are some nekos even an adult giant naga will not tangle with. Rosalak is one of those!

timing2 - 15 years ago

Yep, that's about the average length of a giant naga on Felarya. A few are much larger, though.

Bright - 15 years ago

Well, we are still talking very large giants if these two nagas are 200-300 feet in length.

Arkain - 15 years ago

Thank you. ^.^

timing2 - 15 years ago

In that case, I suggest you check out Byoki-desu's naga, Angela, if you haven't already. She's the biggest naga in Felarya that I know of. There's a hilarious picture of her having swallowed Vivian, Crisis, and Scala in his gallery here. It's in the New Stuff folder and it's called "Full."

http://aryion.com/g3/user/Byoki-desu

timing2 - 15 years ago

Both are your typical giant nagas at 200 - 300 feet in length. Contrary to popular belief, not all nagas in Felarya are of the giant variety. The big ones just happen to be the most popular for art and stories.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Glad you liked it! You should check out some of the other awesome art arseniquez has in his deviantart gallery.

swallowingalive - 15 years ago

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

C'est une des plus belle Naga que j'ai vue!!!!

Je ne trouve pas les mot pour dire combien elle est magnifique...

MilkChocolate - 15 years ago

Man you're right. He's got pretty awesome stuff too.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Burn, baby burn! We don't see too many nagas actively using magic, so I thought it'd be nice change of pace to have Galya do her thing.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks. You should check out arseniquez's gallery on dA - he has some amazing pieces (other nagas included, including one that is actual vore).

SomeGuy1294 - 10 years ago

Slug-Girl Lesbians. Yes. Absolutely!

autarch7 - 15 years ago

I love the picture a lot, but the format totally baffles my PC. I saved the .png file, but it does not show up in thumbnail view, it won't load in my image viewer, and it makes Photoshop crash. I wonder why...?

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hehe, my sentiments exactly!

KlinKitty - 15 years ago

Daaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww

rjw14 - 15 years ago

He claims he's at 90% with the plot and 60% in writing it, so we'll see n.n

I wish I was not much of a procastinator, I started writing a felarya story 2 years ago but never got past a first chapter, which I thought was worthless by the way XD *avid reader* >.>

timing2 - 15 years ago

Hmmm, I was the last to post, unfortunately. Wildthing is still working on his next part. And I think French_Snack will continue as well (though I do not know when). I cannot say about the others. I know some people said they would add their own parts but never did so. That's the way it goes sometimes.

At any rate, once Wildthing ties in his next part, I'll continue on with Xulia, Maria, and Joseph. If for some reason he doesn't do so, I'll still continue it - have no fear.

rjw14 - 15 years ago

I have to say, this felarya park idea you guys cooked up is rather interesting. Has anybody been doing anything about it since september?
*lurker on the forum, lol*

devilnaga - 2 years ago

Wait? No continuation?

DMDracoMoondragon - 15 years ago

I've read "In the Belly of the Beast," and I really liked that one, too. And it doesn't matter to me if there's digestion in a vore story or not, but if there is, I like to see more detail in it, but that's just a personal opinion. This is an excellent story, overall, though. ^_^

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

Most of my stories, despite having vore in them, don't really go into that much detail. 'Long Live Queen Marsha?' is another story that is very much focused on the vore and might be more to your liking. And if you don't mind non-digestion, you can also read 'In The Belly Of The Beast' which has some inside-the-stomach action.

I would also suggest you check out 'Story 37 - A Moment and Forever' by French_snack, if you haven't already: http://aryion.com/g3/user/French_snack

DMDracoMoondragon - 15 years ago

Wow... This is an awesome story, though it'd be great to see more description of the events inside Galya's stomach. I always like getting the feel of the internal action... Something about it always seems to turn me on...

timing2 - 15 years ago

Bring out the pitchforks!

Hey, what can I say? I'm a sucker for happy endings. Thanks for the comment and the compliment!

iliapoerion - 15 years ago

A happy ending? Where the pred and prey become friends?!? Blasphemy!
In all seriousness though, I liked it. Keep up the good work *thumbs up*

Herbnerb - 7 years ago

one of my favorite stories!

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm happy she has some fans! She's definitely a character I plan on keeping around in future stories.

Karbo - 15 years ago

this is my favorite story of you so far :D
Marsha is such an attaching character XD

NightRoller - 4 years ago

I love that attribution description: "Everything else is my fault."
Truly, self-deprecating humor is king.

Exodus - 15 years ago

Will do. =)

timing2 - 15 years ago

Thank you for your kind words. Nothing special required! Just keep commenting when you read a story you like, whether it be mine or someone else's.

Exodus - 15 years ago

This is absolutely beautiful. You really deserve something special for this =)

MicroNekoGirlPur - 10 years ago

there were definitely moments in this that made me just go aw~ and it reads really well. good job!

timing2 - 15 years ago

I felt like I've had a paper graded in school. I'm not complaining, however. I have to say, this reads more like what an editor would do than a critic.

Ah yes, the neera. I should've probalby written that as mouseboy (or something along those lines) to save time. It's easy to forget that not everyone who reads my stories is aware of the various races prevalent on Felarya.

As a human-sized neko on Felarya, Satasha is very much middle-of-the-foodchain. Her cruelty at the point where she's eating the neeras is non-existent. She's too busy just trying to survive than to play with or torment her prey. There's also the fact she's gotten most of that out of her system by this point.

To the neko, the birds were zinging around without any apparent rhyme or reason. She's so used to the dull landscape of the rocky plains, seeing all that color and motion at once was overwhelming.

As for her irritation, yes, she simply didn't want it to show.

Should've been more descriptive as to the size of the fruits. The tomthumbs were carrying one or two per person: various small berries, grapes, and such. Certainly nothing bigger than an apple or orange.

Satasha was confused because the tomthumb just told her a slug-girl and human were married, and that the slug-girl was "queen" of the tomthumbs. To her, that makes absolutely no sense at all. Slug-girls don't marry humans. And tomthumbs are, in general, little more than snacks for most slug-girls. For a slug-girl to be called "queen" by them is absurd.

Yes, the Felarya spelling is indeed "dridder." I'm not 100% certain where the Felaryan version came from, but looking at some of Karbo's early works shows a picture of Lloth (D&D drow goddess) as a drider. That most likely means dridder is simply a variant spelling of drider, since they are both spider-humanoid hybrids.

You may be right about Little vs little. That hadn't occurred to me because I'm accustomed to seeing it used in that manner. Also "tinies" is another term commonly used to describe very small races (mouse people, tomthumbs, and others).

All of my chapter headings follow a pattern - two words in this case. The Turning was indeed weak, but I didn't want to go with three words. It's a silly thing but something I always try to do.

Agreed that the neko cleaning scene would've been a good place to examine her feline characteristics.

Quincy is usually calm and collected. He probably would not have been hopping up and down, per se. Bouncing in place would've been more accurate. Nevertheless, he was extremely excited that she was beginning to see him as something more than food. The fact was she had apologized for calling him a morsel and, to him at least, that was a huge step in the right direction. When she said she was stuck in the homestead, that was a prime opportunity for him to do some more convincing and cajoling.

Yep, "a pang of" is better than "resigned."

Satasha isn't so much self-obsessed. It's more that she's not used to caring about others or her environment, beyond how such could be used to keep her safe and fed. It was left unsaid, but Quincy would be an expert salesman if such things existed in Felarya. He most likely went into great detail, explaining how many years of tender loving care went into every aspect of the homestead. Satasha had certainly never seen anything like it before in her life, so she was easy to impress. I should've probably given a little more time to show how Quincy gave her his world-class tour.

The bit about the dam breaking was already reworked in the version I have on deviantart.com. I didn't update it here, apparently.

I'll have to think more on the ending suggestions.

This isn't the last we'll see of Satasha, though I hadn't thought about her going after those who enslaved her people. That would be a monumental undertaking on her parts, both due to the time that has passed and the fact she has no idea where to even begin looking. I suppose it's possible something from her past might find her, which could then lead to a new adventure. Life is often many times stranger than what we write in stories.

Thanks for taking the time to go over this. I appreciate the effort and more than a few of your suggestions will make it into the any future revisions.

Sehnsucht - 15 years ago

Ooo, something that just occurred to me. If everything's not now wrapped up and sorted out, and if she harbours any hatred towards those who kidnapped her family, maybe she'll be impelled to go seek out any survivors! Skipping to the end of "Cat Games" it sounds like you've wrapped up this character, but it struck me as a potentially interesting plot.

Sehnsucht - 15 years ago

Apparently, I'm not too tired to elaborate... You didn't ask for a critique in the style of the Eka's Portal Writing Group, but you got one. I really enjoyed the story, especially as it deals with (some of) the reasons behind the predation of the protagonist. Anyway, below are comments written as I read through the story. If they're written in the imperative it's for brevity, not to be presumptuous. If they seem to focus on the bad aspects then let me assure you that your story was a pleasure to read and that your writing style is brisk and absorbing. Feel free to ask for clarification on any points where I'm not clear!


I love the way she's depicted as middle-of-the-foodchain :) I'd like a line describing what a Neera looks like since I'm not up on Felarya. At first I liked the almost incidental level of detail of her meal, but given that her cruelty is an important character flaw later I'd like to see a couple of sentences (narrative or dialogue) hinting at it (even if she's interrupted before she does anything crazy). (Cruel cats are excellent in their own right, but here there's a plot reason!)

"she noticed the place did not seem natural" reveals immediately to the reader that the place is not natural, something I think is best to develop over time. How about "it occurred to her that the place did not seem natural"?

"They were flitting around the flowers haphazardly. She also heard what might have been a small waterfall or creek nearby, although she could not see it." With the neko pooped out and falling asleep you could get away with getting poetic and very passive. I think the word haphazard gives the impression the birds don't know what they're doing, when I'm sure they're flitting "according to some design of their own" or something. Rather than ending the para on a negative although-clause, it seems to me to keep the hypnagogic flow better if all statements were positive: "An unseen creek chattered to itself nearby", or something (I know, I know, but it illustrates my point :P).

"this annoyed her more than she cared to admit." Lazy wording, as no one's asking her to admit anything here. Maybe you're going for the image of her checking her irritation, making sure it doesn't show?

"do you even bother with names, being so small and all?" Heh :D

"this place, other than" should be a question mark or semicolon; or get rid of the following "I mean".

"They had an assortment of small fruits with them". Were the fruits carried in biers, or was each tomthumb carrying an orange, or what?

I like the way she's still a little arrogant even after being given the fruit; like she expects it as the natural order of things. "Impressive, aren't I?": win.

"Satasha was confused." I don't understand why she's confused. I thought she was just curious.

"Come over here and tell me that again. I didn't quite hear you.": heheh.

Is it really spelt "dridder"? I read that as rhyming with "bidder". Not drider, which rhymes with "rider"?

When using "little" as a noun is it worth stretching the rules and capitalising it, to distinguish it from the adjective?

"And most of us know how to aim": I'm reminded of the old joke. "Most of us known how to aim, but some of us don't, and who knows /where/ we'll hit you?"

"The Turning" is a really weak term. "The Turning Point"?

"words, strangely, she knew": here, "strangely" isn't doing any work. You show that it's strange in the following text. Cut that flab!

"across for more eloquently than mere words": for=>far, and Quincy's a bit pretentious, isn't he? :)

"fell upon it with gusto", "she began cleaning herself": I'm not saying you should devote a page to description, but this is a chance to really establish some visual feline characteristics. When she's grooming, what's her posture? She's talking to Quincy---you can mention her moving from hand to arm, or something.

"Quincy was hoping up and down in excitement." I'd got the impression that Quincy was composed and maybe a little stiff, and this jarred with that impression. If he really is so excited, it'd've helped me to have Satasha comment upon it in a thought.

"Quincy punctuated each rule by counting with a raised finger" could come right after "Four reasons:" for more immediate effect.

"resigned sadness" seems a little melodramatic, and I'm not sure what she's resigning to. A pang of sadness seems more the speed I was expecting.

"awed at how much time and effort had gone into the gardens": she might not guess how much time has gone into it---she seemed like a slightly self-obsessed little neko. But it might be on Quincy's mind. Maybe report some of his speech: "while Quincy explained how much time...", or something.

"if she did not know any better" blarg cliche

"around the swish": "the" => "to".

"the dam broke" a few sentences too soon, I think. If she's spent so long building psychological walls and trying not to think about it, there'd be a few moments of silence. Also, the expositional mention of slavers is redundant in light of the dialogue that shortly follows. Getting rid of it would permit you to remove the awful use of the word "awfulness" :P

"I can't explain even now" is a little stilted and can be removed.

"Suddenly, like the final stroke of thunder from rampaging storm fading away in the distance, her anger fled" I see this is meant to tie in to the section header "The Storm". Maybe emphasise this by changing that "the dam broke" to a rain metaphor. Anyway, the image here is nice, but clumsily worded. Something like: "But then she looked at him with sudden clarity, calm after the storm"? For my part, this sudden clarity would be best without the "broken shell" comment or the longing for forgiveness; I can imagine the catharsis of finally saying all this and the temporary peace it might give more than wanting forgiveness from a stranger. Also, it implies she's still got more to work out; she's not becomes completely emotionally passive/open. But she's your character, and you understand her better than me.

"I already gave my word on that, even if I didn't speak it" would benefit from a different euphemism than giving her word, since the current wording doesn't make sense (speaking is integral to it!).

The ending was sweet :)

timing2 - 15 years ago

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Most of the stories I write, while having vore in them, do not make it their central focus. If it happens, it happens, as they say.

Draupnir7 - 2 years ago

Over a decade old and still holds up.

timing2 - 14 years ago

Thanks! I've had vague ideas about what will take place, but my plan is to one day write a sequel to this. I can't say for certain, but it will probably involve them going to visit Galya, rather than taking place in the homestead. She may come and get them, to make sure they have a safe trip.

Darkwarrior676 - 15 years ago

A great job with this one. Will they ever go visit Gayla or will she be visiting them again in a later story?

Done25 - 15 years ago

Cool! Thanks for the tip.

timing2 - 15 years ago

Well, you're in luck. That one is being done by Candra - the artist who did Serimela & Quincy.